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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

The child I gave up 16 years ago wants to meet me

97 replies

newname321 · 28/09/2008 20:31

I had a baby when I was 14. I never even considered keeping the baby and wanted him to go to a "proper" family rather than stay with a single teenage mum.

I was in the USA and my parents organised a private adoption. My mother knew the couple through work and assured me they were great. At the time I wrote the baby a letter about why I could not keep him and it was agreed I would get photos and updates once a year. It was also agreed my identity would not be revealed until he was 18.

The photos and updates have been lovely and have assured me that I made the right decision. I have never wanted more contact or regretted anything.

He is now 16 and I have just heard that he knows my identity and wants to get in contact. I am feeling very guilty because I don't want contact. I know his life is happy, I know my life is happy. I can only see heartache for both of us if we try and change how things are.

Am I terrible for feeling this way? Is it cruel to simply write to him and explain I have always wanted the best for him and wish him nothing but happiness but I know that happiness will not come through us meeting?

OP posts:

RTKangaMummy · 29/09/2008 20:45

When you are ready in the future:

If you don't want him to have any contact with his BF then please send him a photo of him and tell him his 1st name

It will mean sooooooooo much to him

I deffo agree to ask NORCAP for advice

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 20:46

I have to admit I have only read the OP but to send a letter saying you don't want to meet him will feel like a second rejection.

tigermoth · 29/09/2008 20:48

changedforthis, I think that was a brave and very pertinent message. From where I am (I know I am an outsider) it does put things into perspective.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 20:52

changedforthis I am so very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

newname321 · 29/09/2008 21:12

Changedforthis - thank you for sharing your story. I really am not sure what to say. I read it to DH and started crying. I am so sorry for what you went through.

Your story and Roisin's comment about dreaming of meeting her son do give me a lot of food for thought.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 29/09/2008 21:15

I'm glad you're working your way through this, newname, and wish you every peace.

We all make mistakes.

You were 14. That is very young. You did what you felt was right and you were very brave.

Even total strangers can see this, so certainly, so can your biological son.

Tclanger · 29/09/2008 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cammelia · 30/09/2008 18:13

Wishing you all the luck in the world with this newname xxx

Lenlen · 03/10/2008 09:19

i don't think there would ever be a problem if ever you'd be in contact with him. It would feel a little awkward at first i guess but you'd get used to it.

Original poster

newname321 · 22/10/2008 19:57

This is a quick update for the people who were kind enough to offer advice on this thread.

I have been in contact with my son. He e-mailed with a few simple questions that were all factual. The questions were not hard to answer so I replied with the facts and added that I had always wanted the best for him and would like to hear how he was doing straight from the horse's mouth.

He replied with a long e-mail that detailed how happy he is and how good his family are. I replied saying how good that was to hear and telling him a little about my other children and my life since he was born. His next e-mail was the hardest. It asked how he could contact his dad and I had to reply and say I did not know. I told him as many facts about his dad as I know and then I lost a night's sleep worrying he would say he was going to trace his dad. He has just replied saying he is not really interested in getting to know a man who could do what his dad did to a 14 year old girl! How mature is that? I was overwhelmed (and proud).

I think our correspondance will fizzle out now (but we will not loose touch). He knows what he needed to know and has a busy life to get on with. We have agreed that if he ever comes to Europe he should let me know and I will do the same if we go to America.

Thanks for your advice in getting me to take the leap.

OP posts:

BlueBumedFly · 22/10/2008 20:12

I have not read all of this but from your last post I think you have been very brave and wish you well, I hope that you can keep in touch with your son if only with Christmas and Birthday newsletters.

GColdtimer · 22/10/2008 20:13

I didn't see your original thread newname but i have just read it now and I am so pleased you have been in direct contact and that it worked out well for you all. He does indeed sound so mature - you must be very pleased that you gave him such a precious gift.

nooOOOoonki · 22/10/2008 20:14

Well done newname. Hope that it wasn't as hard for you as you thought it would be.

KristinaM · 23/10/2008 17:05

I'm so please to read this as I was thinking of you He does sounds a very mature young man and a credit to his parents. I'm glad it wasn't as difficult as you thought

please do consider going to counselling for yourself. This will have stirred up some feelings/memories for you and you don't want them all to hit you just after your baby is born ( those pesky hormones)

dilemma456 · 25/10/2008 16:09

Message withdrawn

dilemma456 · 25/10/2008 16:09

Message withdrawn

saffiw · 25/10/2008 16:37

gosh, what a mature young man.
I wonder, (and I am sorry if this sounds lecturing) if you have thought of counselling for you. Because you can't hold all that in, as well as having lost your own parents and not need some one professional to talk too, I mean you are so young (30?) to have lost both your parents.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/10/2008 23:07

get some counselling to address your feelings about the whole thing - then you may not feel so anxious. I think you are anxious about how meeting/communicating wityh him will make you feel. If you have some counselling first you will be better able to deal with it.

moominsmummy · 29/10/2008 08:52

Hi I am not moominsmummy but moominsdaddy.
I have just read your message about your child who you placed for adoption, and I fully respect your decision.
I am a Social Worker and work with children and their biological parents who are in the same situation.
The only advise that I can offer you is that in my experience, your child may be looking for closure, and I feel that your child does not see you as their parent and sees their adoptive parents as parents. I feel that your child only wishes to understands their roots and origins. As you have said you wrote the child a letter explaining your reasons, but this matter will not go away, and in most cases your child will continue to request this. I feel that you both will benifit from meeting, and both be able to put closure to the case, or you both may even decide to keep in touch.
I understand that this is a very hard decision for you, and I hope what I have written helps in some way.

countPINKCHICKula · 29/10/2008 09:05

i have only read your op and MMd's reply, but in slightly diff circs, my dp's father left them when he was 2 years old, he split with dps mum and soon after broke all contact.
Out of the blue, dp's father puts himself on genes reunited knowing dp is tracing his (older ancestors)..dp and his sis got very excited, exchanged some lovely emails with father, photo's...and then father started being lax emailing, now doesnt bother at all again..dp just wanted to met him, understand why he did what he did in hearing it from his father and not from a third party, say hi and then move on, maybe speak now and then but def DIDNT want him to be his 'DAD'..i think your child wants similar, he will be confused and TBH will(if you allow) see you more of a friend as he already has a mum and dad now..good luck

suwoo · 29/10/2008 09:10

Didn't see this thread originally, but have read it all now and I just wanted to pass comment on how difficult this was for you, but you were so considerate with your thought processes and seem to have made the right decision for all parties. Your birth son sounds like a wonderful young man, and you also sound like a wonderful woman and I wish you much happiness on this journey.

Kewcumber · 29/10/2008 10:40

Hinewname - just wanted to thank you for sharing the outcome. So glad it has been better than you expected and I wish you all luck in dealing with this as things move forward.

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