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Adoption

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Original poster

The child I gave up 16 years ago wants to meet me

97 replies

newname321 · 28/09/2008 20:31

I had a baby when I was 14. I never even considered keeping the baby and wanted him to go to a "proper" family rather than stay with a single teenage mum.

I was in the USA and my parents organised a private adoption. My mother knew the couple through work and assured me they were great. At the time I wrote the baby a letter about why I could not keep him and it was agreed I would get photos and updates once a year. It was also agreed my identity would not be revealed until he was 18.

The photos and updates have been lovely and have assured me that I made the right decision. I have never wanted more contact or regretted anything.

He is now 16 and I have just heard that he knows my identity and wants to get in contact. I am feeling very guilty because I don't want contact. I know his life is happy, I know my life is happy. I can only see heartache for both of us if we try and change how things are.

Am I terrible for feeling this way? Is it cruel to simply write to him and explain I have always wanted the best for him and wish him nothing but happiness but I know that happiness will not come through us meeting?

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 28/09/2008 21:19

Agree with Kew that you are making assumptions about what he might expect or need.

I think you need to approach this situation with a very open mind.

mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 21:20

newname-I think you are going to have to do it!
Don't see the point in putting it off.
He is just curious, wants to see your face, hear your voice.
I think it will be worth making the effort, for both of you

HonoriaGlossop · 28/09/2008 21:20

Kew your posts on this thread have been brilliant.

lisad123 · 28/09/2008 21:23

I think you need to consider him first and formost. Yes you had yearly updates, but all he has is one letter written 16 years ago. My DH is searching for his dad but looks like it will never happen for us. He doesnt want a relationship but just wants to know more about his roots, if he has brothers and sisters ect.
Your posts have upset me a little but only in the fact that they sound selfish and very much about you and your feelings, instead of your sons. I know that sounds harsh but think it needs to be said.
Hope it works out for you. How does your DH feel about this?

Cammelia · 28/09/2008 21:23

newname321, I really feel for you. This is very hard. You didn't really have a choice when you were 14 did you? It sounds as though you were not allowed any choice and decisions were made for you?

No wonder you have buried those feelings deep inside.

Like I say, I really feel for you.

I wish you luck in making a decision now.

youmaynotlikethis · 28/09/2008 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WendyWeber · 28/09/2008 21:26

Oh that's helpful

FairLadyRantALot · 28/09/2008 21:27

sorry nwname...I really am...but am thinking through this from the childs percepective...( working with youngters in thia aituatin)....and it really is not fair on the child...and I really think you have not worked through it, but by your posts you seem to have avoided to face up to it...which is a natural thing to do...I am not condemning you, I jsut still think you should give your child, our flesh and blood, the satisfaction , no matter how difficult it is, or at lleat not stum it at this time

Kewclotter · 28/09/2008 21:28

youmaynotlikethis - any more illerate ill-thought-through, half-baked pearls of wisdom you'd like to share?

NappiesGalore · 28/09/2008 21:29

newname, listen to kew. she is very wise and knowledgable about this subject.
i doubt the boy needs as much from you as you fear he does.
good luck .

Kewclotter · 28/09/2008 21:29

"illerate" must preview when cross...

NappiesGalore · 28/09/2008 21:30

lol

SoMuchToBits · 28/09/2008 21:31

This is an interesting situation.

Recently I have been doing a lot of research into the family tree. I came across a record of someone in the family that I was unable to match up. Then out of the blue recently she contacted me (having seen the family tree I posted on a genealogy website).

It turns out she was adopted as a baby, and has always known that to be the case. As an adult she has tried to contact her birth parents. She has successfully contacted her birth father, and still has regular contact with him. Her birth mother (who is related to me, but whom I don't actually know) has so far refused any contact.

This means I am the first person in her birth mother's family she has had any contact with (this is just e-mail contact). I think the way she feels is that she would very much like to have contact with her birth mother, even if it was just one meeting etc. But the refusal to have any contact at all feels quite like a rejection. She does understand that her birth mother may have "moved on", but I think in some ways she needs the contact in order to "move on" to the same extent herself. I don't know whether this makes sense.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 21:33

hmm.

it's too bad roisin isn't around just now.

she might be able to share some good views, as kew has also wisely done, as she, too, gave up a child for adoption years ago.

kew speaks sense, newname.

perhaps get in touch with the family and let them know you would like to meet a counsellor a couple of times or so before going forward?

elkiedee · 28/09/2008 21:34

Maybe you should discuss what to say/how to say it with his dad (adoptive dad) a bit further before you respond. I think writing to him when you're ready and maintaining contact but waiting a while before you commit to a face to face meeting sounds like a good plan. But whatever you decide, good luck, it sounds like a hard situation for you.

NorbertDentressangle · 28/09/2008 21:34

newname - do you think its because if you don't meet him you can pretend that its never happened? Are you worried that meeting him will suddenly make it all real? That seeing him will confirm and make real what you've maybe been trying to block out of your mind for 16yrs?

(I've just read that back to myself -I'm not having a go, I hope it doesn't come across as that -I'm just trying to imagine what might be going on in your mind)

mamadiva · 28/09/2008 21:34

Unless you have been in this situation no one is really in place to judge.

Yes we can all stand by and say ooh no you should definately see him because bla de bla.

But do we know anything about it really unless I've missed something we don't.

Perhaps OP is worried it could tear her family apart and could ultimately end in his life being affected too, those of you who are just being spiteful have you not thought that perhaps OP is looking out for her son and is scared that maybe she isnt what he expected or that maybe she doesnt feel the love she should towards him.

Im not saying thats how she feels but thats what I get from it and that why Im in no place to judge, Ive nbever been in this situation so dont know how Id react. Just think before you speak please I think this is probably as difficult as it is without an angry mob blasting her.

solidgoldbrass · 28/09/2008 21:34

WW gives good advice: ask for a little space and time rather than slamming the doors shut.
You did do what you thought was best for him and it sounds like it's worked out very well.

FWIW I was adopted as a baby and have never tried to trace my bioparents - partly because I have always thought the reaction might be a little like yours and I don't want to cause that much upheaval (though every now and again I resolve to try, then bail out...)

Cammelia · 28/09/2008 21:35

I don't think it is "moving on" more a kind of being in denial. I think it must be very hard.

[And to the poster hiding behind the name: youmaynotlikethis, I am totally at your really offensive post]

NorkyButNice · 28/09/2008 21:35

Speaking as an adopted person, I think the reaction to newname has been quite extreme in some cases - if she doesn't want to have any contact then that is her right, is it not?

Kewclotter · 28/09/2008 21:35

tbh - whatever newname syas i suspect newname knows that he deserves to meet her even if only once. She is just struggling to some to terms with the unexpectgedness f it. You sound like a decent but shocked woman who did her best the. there's no reason to beleive that you will do anything but your best now.

If they had waited until he was 18 he would most likely have been able tosearch on his own and could potentially have turned up on your doorstep one day with no warning. At this way you can have time to think and plan.

KristinaM · 28/09/2008 21:35

newlife - you are completely right. you do feel now exactly as you did when you were 14. because you have never really talked about it and worked things through you are stuck with how you felt all these years ago.

when you were 14 i suspect your parenst told you what to do and i woudl guess that now you feel all these strangers on munmsnet are telling you what to do !

of course you don't want to meet him. you must feel that the 14 yo who gave birth to him is another person . or like its a film you watched or book you read. how can you go back and be that person again?

please, take time & space to think about this befroe making any decisions. you really REALLY need to get some counselling. How you are feeling and thinking now is totally normal and understandable. you just need a bit of help to work things through befroe making any major decsions about this

how woudl you feel about sending a holding response, as soemone suggested?

Original poster

newname321 · 28/09/2008 21:36

OK. Thank you to all but one of you. I am now going to have a proper conversation about it all with DH and I will also consider counselling. I am pregnant at the moment and I think the hormones are making it hard to think straight.

Any meet-up would take a while anyway given there is the small matter of the Atlantic Ocean between us.

OP posts:

SoMuchToBits · 28/09/2008 21:37

Agree with expat that going through a counsellor would be wise. My relative did this (she used NORCAP who were very helpful) when she contacted her birth father.

I think one of the things she has found is that being adopted makes you in some ways more aware and curious about your roots than if you had always lived with your birth parents. When she got in touch with me, she had already done quite a lot of research herself about our family.

I would say, take it slowly, use counselling, but don't refuse contact out of hand.

mamadiva · 28/09/2008 21:37

Okay ahrdly an angry mob may have exaggerated but you know what I mean LOL.

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