The Bad Fairies’ Club

[ThePieceHall]

Okay, so very tongue in cheek, but I think it might be helpful to start a thread where prospectives and approved adopters can hear the unvarnished truth from those of us who have trodden the path many years, if not decades, before. But only if people want to hear our truths. Our truths may not be wholly palatable but this is not because we are poor adoptive parents. In the main, it’s because of a complicated mix of epigenetics, genetics, ‘trauma and attachment’, plus a comprehensive lack of meaningful support. And mainly undiagnosed neurodivergences. And undiagnosed FASD. In my early days, I was irritated by adopters I considered to be negative or who I thought must be poor parents because their children were violent or were being excluded from school. I wondered if it might help if for people to direct their questions here. If they don’t want the Bad Fairies to respond on their questions, then maybe don’t post them on this thread. I’m mindful that a good few of us with decades’ of experience between us are quite often ignored when we post responses that may not be what the poster wants to hear. Personally, I’m only motivated by a desire to help and I can read that other adopters are too. If you don’t want to read our truths, then you are welcome to opt out. To be fair, 20 years ago, I was convinced I would do adoptive parenting so much better than anyone else because I was going to give it my whole heart and mind. Two decades on, I still give it my whole heart and mind, but we still struggle as a family. Simply put, love just is not enough.

I agree - when I started out I thought I was well read and was “ready” for what adoption brought. But I also had a tendency to hope that the young age my kids came home, lower end of early movements (ie one main foster carer) etc would mean we would be luckier than some I read about. When the challenges started to unfold and amplify, we’ve been able to support & seek resources but it’s a continuous slog - and my children are like leaky buckets with our love - never enough, jealous of any perceived favouritism, never fully trusting of it. It’s hard and can be very difficult as other families simply don’t get it.

It has been 27 years this week since we became parents to our younger two sons and just over 34 years since our older sons joined us. Now ages 33 to 42 our journey has been eventful. We adopted before a lot was known about attachment theory ,before therapy was seen as essential ( our younger two were able to access it ) .
It has been challenging . 3/4 are attached to us ( even the one who miss uses drugs will talk about us with warmth ,tell people we gave him good times ( he was 8 when he joined us) and have supported him even when we have had to put in firm boundaries so he doesn't just ask for money) one is angry and blames us for everything _can be very abusive by email ( once sent 42 emails that went to spam in one day ).
One had a very difficult teenage years but is an amazing father to his non verbal autistic son and has a strong relationship with his partner . One has represented UK in sport ,had tea at no 10 Downing st,been on TV ,managed to buy a flat in London with his wife and works using sport to bring change
Things that have helped

1. having a network of friends who were prepared to listen and encourage us and give us an occasional break - when one got in trouble with the police three friends took one child /teenager each for a weekend to give us and them a break and time with the one who was in trouble.

2. getting them all into sport that enabled them to get rid of energy and feel some level of achievement even when not achieving at school ( 3 had EHCPs

3. recognising we have had to parent longer than out friends .by that I mean we were. Having to encourage 3 of them /fight for them to get help for their early trauma well into their 20s. One is having therapy now in his 40s because something happened in his partner's family that triggered childhood trauma .

4)accepting we might need to offer more support than our friends to adult children .and give encouragement re grandchildren and how to be the good parents they are .

5. strangely living in the inner city helped . Their schools may not have had many adopted children but had experience of providing support for children who were challenging . We sent all 4 to 4 different secondary schools so the schools didn't label them as part of the R family !

We are in touch with all of them most weeks . And the key worker for our oldest who misuses drugs every week.
We have learnt to protect ourselves from the abuse one gives us and to try to keep connected in a safe way through email .

Amazingly we have both had successful careers though I never worked more than 3 days a week. But we would spend many evenings taking them to sports or scouts or away in camper van .
We once took all 4 bas teenagers to NZ for a wedding and survived ! .

As we approach our late 60's we have children ' grandchildren and will soon be step great grandparents . Our lives still have many challenges - the addict has been in hospital 4 times this year. One still is very abusive to us .

What is success as an adoptive parent ? I don't know but I do know that our adult children who all joined us aged 6+ feel part of a family . Know they are loved. Have been who have fought for them ,who are still there for them and their kids and we have many memories of days when it was fun as well as days when we had to hold on by our fingertips

I'd also say that anyone going into adoption without biological kids is in for a double whammy shock. Everyone is the perfect parent until they have kids. Kids are hard. And ones with trauma and FASD and other hurdles even more so. But before you adopt... you think you are different.

I think perhaps it’s easier when you haven’t had kids before as you don’t compare it with your past experiences. A lot of my friends who really struggle had biological children and then adopted. I think all of them struggle with comparing how easy it was with their older child and how much harder life is with (and indeed for) the younger one. Of course there are exceptions and maybe this is just my friendship group!

Prospective adopter here. I think it's very human for those starting on this journey to seek some hope, even just a glimmer. Surely this characterises all prospective adopters at some point? I'm trying my hardest to manage my expectations and purposefully seek out the very difficult stories and do a lot of reading around those challenges to be informed. This approach leaves me with many mixed feelings but I am staying the course. There's little we can do to truly appreciate your experience until we've experienced it too. We also can't help but be a little optimistic (even if that is naive), I feel like we're hardwired that way? And ultimately if it isn't what was hoped or expected, it seems many adopters do endure the hardships, make it work and it is helpful when they share that despite it all they don't regret it because that is also human: to survive against the odds for the ones they love. I can't speak for the others but I don't personally feel that I don't want to hear the unvarnished truth - I am looking for it. I want to hear your story. The tale of perseverance, as is often shared here, can be just as compelling, it shows just how resilient both adopters and adoptees can be. That may be enough for people like me. And for those looking for potentially "happy" stories, they're also ultimately just doing their research otherwise they wouldn't have asked.

I will admit that even in some of the prospective adopter circles I do see a slight avoidance of the harder realities for adoptive families and it bothers me. But is accepting the harsh reality conceptually as I have the same as experiencing it? I'll probably be no better off than them when the challenges come despite my best efforts to be forewarned.

What I would like to know from the seasoned adopters as I feel there isn't much out there on this specifically, do you see in your networks any real impact of the updated literature, methods, training, resources and research of the last 10-15 years? Is earlier intervention in areas we now have better understanding of, like contact, making a difference for young adoptees and their new adoptive families? I appreciate for many families with young adult adoptees the landscape of information, support and methods was very different when those children first came home and this is definitely reflected in the annual barometer. And no, this isn't in search specifically for something positive, but again to be better informed about the efficacy of the current training and research I am doing.