Do we have a right to be angry?

[WannaBMum]

First post on here but I really needed to have some honest opinions on my situation. DH and I have just started the process of intercountry adoption and are very excited about becoming parents and having the chance to give a child a happy home. For medical reasons I cannot carry a child and we chose adoption over surrogacy because it felt right for us. I know this disappointed in-laws a little as no biological link to their son.

DH's auntie (his mum's sister) has two daughters, both adopted, who are aged 26 and 24. The family have always been open about the girls being adopted and so we thought DH's family would be extra supportive of the adoption. DH's family all live locally and have tons of family get togethers which we are always expected to attend if possible. A couple of times somebody asked us how adoption was going and we filled them in. I noticed that at these points the adopted girls got up and walked away. On fathers day the subject of adoption came up again but this time became heated. As we are adopting from Russia it will be almost impossible for our child to trace their roots and I am very sad about this as I would dearly like them to have the choice. I got laid into about how if you truly bond with a child you never want them to trace BP and AP that are ok about it haven't bonded. It was made clear that the girls have a lot of anger and resentment for the "awful people" that give up children. I said I disagreed and that adoption can be a form of love, giving a child up for a better life etc. They said I was living in fantasy land. Later that day DH and I were told by auntie that the subject of adoption in any form is too upsetting for the girls and that we must not mention it again at any point around them. This will be every family do as one of them is always there. We were gutted and felt like we had done something so wrong. Next day we spoke to DH mum who backed her sister and said we were selfish and inconsiderate to be upset. We should never mention adoption in public either because adopted people get very upset at any age. Is this true? She then told me DH might be upset because he couldn't have his bio child!! We have talked openly about this and I know he doesn't feel that at all.

One of the girls had a daughter 5 years ago and paraded pregnancy/baby in front of us knowing we wanted kids but that there were problems. I went home in tears sometimes but would never ever ask her to change because I'm happy for other people in that situation.

Are we right to be upset and feel so gutted and deflated about everything right now?

Oh my some serious hang ups in your DH's family. I take it you want an adoptee's perspective on it. Well here is mine. I was adopted at birth more or less and grew up in a very loving family with three other also adopted siblings. My parents always told us that our birth mothers gave us up because they wanted a better life for us. However, it was made very clear at the time (1960s) that a blank slate and a fresh start was best for adoptees and their adoptive parents, so my parents have always had a lot of difficulty with the issue of us tracing our biological parents, although they always tried to conceal it. I have now traced my biological mother and she is a lovely person, but I haven't stayed in contact because of the pain it causes my adoptive mother. I feel very unhappy and conflicted about the whole situation.
That's my reality.
Your nieces' reality is that they have they have absorbed some very, very negative attitudes from their adoptive parents. A lot of adoptees, like me, are people pleasers and they may be suppressing their real feelings because they don't want to upset their parents.
You have got the right approach not them. Just tune them out and carry on. One thing I have learned is there is no point expecting other people to be happy for you. If you are happy for yourself, and you know you are doing the right thing, sometimes that has to be enough.
And you sound like you will be great adoptive parents, you are aware of the issues and you are prepared to deal with them. Good luck.

i second Rosa's perspective on this as an adoptee too. tbh your dh family sound a very negative -it is odd how do you think they will make your dcs feel when thye arrive ? i would love to be an auntie to adopteess as i think i would feel very connected to them sharing the same sort of start in life ...hope you get this resolved and dont let it slow you down - in the end they will get used to it ..good luck!

I think RosaLuxembunting is right - there are lots of issues here which are being passed on to you.

DH was adopted as a baby - also in the era of the 'clean slate' - and feels very positively about it. As he sees it, adoption takes children out of a bad situation (one where, for whatever reason, the birth parents cannot care for them) and places them in a good situation (where they will be loved and cherished). Forgive the clumsy wording, but I hope you get my drift.

DH has shown very little curiosity about his birth parents but is certainly not distressed when adoption comes up in conversation - quite the opposite. The dynamics in your DH's family are obviously different from those in my DH's.

Try not to be discouraged - you're doing the right thing for you, DH and your children.

Don't lie to your kids. Tell them a diplomatic version or the truth but dont LIE to them.Because if you lie they wilf fine out a d never forgive you. Being adopted is ok but being lied tp is not.

I am adopted & know that my birth mother died giving birth to me. ( I have even obtained a copy of her death certificate) My birth parents were married & my children accept that I am adopted especially as they adore my adoptive parents (grandparents). There have been questions as to why my birth father didn't keep me, I have explained as that in the late 1950's (1959) it was very rare for fathers to bring up young children & there was more pressure on them to have babies adopted. They do ask if I want to trace my birth father, but have said that although I am interested to an extent I wouldn't do it as I feel that it would cause too much upset to my adoptive parents, (my father is 93 & senile & my mother is 87).
So yes I do feel that your dh's family are being far too narrow minded & you do have a reason to be upset.

WannaBmum - it is understandable that you are upset and deflated. Their approach to adoption is very old-fashioned and certainly would be unlikely to be tolerated by any assessing social worker today. It might be worth mentioning to his mum in passing that if you took that approach during your homestudy you would be unlikely to be approved!

Treat it as a learning experience - trust me, it won't be the last time some-one says or does something really insensitve to you on the subject of adoption. One of the things I learnt very early on in the adoption process was to glide serenely on like a swan in the face of some ridiculous comments ("how selfish" being one response to news of my impending adoption of DS). Often only other adoptive parents understand and in this case possibly adoptive parents of the same generation as you.

You need to be sensitive to their feelings about their adoption however barking mad you think it might be but you don't have to be sensitive when it comes to how you deal with your own child and the public, that is none of their business. You will raise your child in the best way you can and if that means your DH's family see less of you as a result that will be sad but necessary - your responsibility to your child will over-ride everything else.

I'm afraid you will need to toughen up a bit, though it is sad that your MIL seems to buy into such a ill-founded theory. As for the parading - ime most people parading their new babies aren't deliberately trying to hurt you - they have no experience of infertility and have no idea how painful it is and in any case they are so chuffed with their newborn they can't really think about anything else.

Birth parents place their children for adoption for any number of reasons - generally because they don;t have any other choice - they can't look after a child (either because someone else says they can't or because they think they can't) and babies can't wait to be parented. Adoption isn't any guarantee that your birth parents loved you and wanted a better life for you but it equally isn't any kind of guarantee that they were "awful people" either. They were fallible people doing the only thing they thought was possible at that point and I don't see how it improves any childs self esteem to beleive that their birth parents were "awful" as they have inherited those genes.

Do you have links with other adopters or Russain adopters there are plenty of resources avialble to you online and maybe locally depending opn where you live. Out of interest, which facilitator are you going to use in Russia and what stage are you at?

As a person who gave up a child for adoption 20 years ago I agree totally with what others have said. Am I really such an "awful person" to have given up a child because I was 15 and would by no means have given him (and me) the life I wanted for both of us? Wow some big 'ishoos' in that family. I don't know how you are going to resolve this but it needs to be sorted before you adopt one way or another IMHO.

Thank you so much for all your replies

DH and I are picking ourselves up and just looking forward to our future as a growing family. We were expecting some bad or hurtful reactions to adoption but just didn't see it coming from DH's own family. I am just so glad to know that they have the issues, not us, as they make us feel so abnormal.

Kewcumber we are just waiting to start our homestudy, having done our initial application, CRBs and medicals. We have joined Oasis and several Russian adopter mailing lists. However everyone seems so much further along than us right now. I came across this site by chance and everybody seems so warm, honest and caring that I felt I wanted to post our situation here. Nearer the time we are looking at using Oleg or TAF.

Good luck, wannaB, and don't let your dh's family get to you - they clearly have issues. Very sad that those girls have been taught to be bitter and resentful about their history - perhaps they were encouraged to be like this to make their adoptive parents feel more secure?

My perspective, as the daughter of an adoptee, is that it is far better to be honest about adoption (my mother was adopted as a baby in the 'clean slate' days and didn't even find out about it until she was 45, years after both her parents had died - you can imagine the shock). But being honest doesn't mean denigrating the birth parents. How cruel - both to them and to the children.

wannaB - both Oleg and TAF have good reputations but TAF are quite a bit chepaer than Oleg however he works in some of the more accessible regions like Moscow.

If you are accesible to London RUKA do have fairly regular meets and even if you aren;t very far along the process, socail worker do like you to have contact with other families and it can also encourage you to see families successfully home.

WannaB - having read your post - all the best, sometimes people forget the bigger picture don't they?
I am really interested in adopting from Russia. I have looked at Oasis, but don't really know where to go from here. Any suggestions?
Thanks

you need to contact your local council to be assessed - the first stage of any adoption is the the same - home study. So ring the adoption team up and talk to them.

I was wondering, are you going abroad because it's difficult to adopt in the UK? I'd like to adopt a child in this country and I'm happy to adopt an older one (they seem more difficult to place). I keep wondering if I should start fostering first just to see how it is. Also, in your experience, does age still count against you? I'm 41 and in stable relationship.

Does anyone know why DH's auntie's girls were adopted? Was it that they feel rejected?

Sorry if I'm asking something that has already been asked....

goldenpeach - 41 shouldn;t count against you unless you want a very young child. Beinf white and middleclass will count against you more (if you are) but most councils are so desparate for people to adopt school age children that they'll even turn a blind eye to that

An older child may well come with significant issues and you'd have to show that you could cope with thsoe, aslo if you have DC's already you would be unlikely to be placed with a child older than them.

ilovemydog - why anyone was adopted is unlikely to be discussed openly, it's generally considered to be private infomration between parents and children unless the children choose to share it. I have no doubt that the girls in question feel rejected, it isn't uncommon, and its the adoptive parents job (IMVHO) to mitigate that feeling of rejection and loss as best they can.

It would be very judgemental of me to say these parents made a poor job of that particular aspect of parenting so I won't...

Hello - sorry just checked in on the thread and seen the last few posts!!

ilovemydog - I don't think the girls know, just that they were adopted at a few weeks of age (they are not bio siblings). The thing is I don't think DH's auntie wants to see them as adopted. She is very very clingy with the girls and they are not independant at all. The parents even built a granny annex in their back garden to keep them at home and as close as possible. It would take too long to tell you all the history but we have always known that the girls were wrapped in tight cotton wool and I'm afraid I do blame the parents for the girls attitudes. DH and I just don't want the same unhealthyness to be passed onto our child.

GoldenPeach - there are various reasons why we decided on Russia. Firstly DH and I are both white and were told this ruled out most UK adoptions. On top of that I was told that as I am diabetic any white babies would go to a "healthy" couple as a priority. We were told that 8 years and over was the likely placement. I also have a cousin who works in social services and is horrified by things that go on. She wants to adopt but from her own work has decided NEVER to adopt in the UK and is also adopting from Russia. That is not to say that there aren't many happy and successful UK adoptions, it just wasn't going to be that way for us.

Having looked into adopting abroad Russia felt right. That's not to say the children wont have problems, but they will be ones we feel we can deal with. They will also look like us. I have no problem with it being obvious that our child is adopted but I feel for the child. Just a personal view, never a judgement.

Sarachok - I have joined the yahoo mailing groups UKAO and RussiaAdoptions as these are UK people. Also go to youtube and look at the videos of russian adoption, they make it feel more real. Finally contact your local Social Services and ask for an info pack on international adoption. HTH

Kewcumber, thanks. My step mother adopted all of her children and it was all quite open. Some of them even kept in touch with the birth mother. Everyone knew their roles! Birth mother was referred to as 'birth mother' and my step mom was 'mom.' All the kids were free to contact if they wanted.

It just seems a bit odd to me that OPs aunt would be so unsupportive as she adopted herself; as if adoption is something to be ashamed of? I don't know.