Adoption v fertility

[LooneyLunes]

Hello, I am trying to get an idea of if people have chosen adoption instead of trying fertility treatments. I have always had irregular cycles and no one seems to be able/ want to put me on the fertility plan. I had a gynaecological review and tbh it didn’t help as the advice I got was they can either treat the hormones and stop the bleeding or treat the fertility with no guarantee it will work. I feel a bit left in the lurch and not knowing what to do. My partner and I have been trying for a year with no luck and I don’t know if I want to go through the ordeal of trying everything and no result. We have discussed adoption and are both on board my only worry is what if I miss out and regret not experiencing pregnancy. I’m 30 and as much as I know that’s not old I don’t want there to be a setback of more years with various tests and disappointment with negative tests , if anyone’s been through this or similar I would love to know

I haven't been in your situation, but I know some women who have. My mum didn't get pregnant for a year and she went to the doctors with my dad, they just recommended for her to check her temp and track her ovulation and it didn't take long for her to get pregnant. She went on to have 3 children! Sometimes it's something super simple, for lots of couples it takes a a year or so of trying until they get pregnant. A friend had the same situation a while ago and now she has a beautiful 2 y.o.

Do you have irregular periods due to something like PCOS or endo? It might be worth checking what women in this situation do and what worked for them.

I'm a lesbian so never had these issues, and we knew we always wanted to adopt instead of going the sperm donor route so for us it was way more straightforward. The adoption route can also take a couple of years, it's quite invasive, and they will want to make sure you are comfortable being a mother to children who will biologically not be related to you. Not everyone is comfortable with that, and that's alright. I'd do some soul searching to see how comfortable you are with closing the door on having birth children, and you can also try some fertility options or tips that are less intrusive and aggressive than IVF.

If you have any questions about the adoption process I'll be happy to answer in DMs.

I had a miscarriage and then - nothing. After a year and some basic tests without proper answers, we decided to adopt, because we wanted to be certain that we would become parents and because we felt it was right for us.

I always wanted to experience pregnancy, but now I am glad I didn't give birth. I am lucky in that I was pregnant for some time though. However, for us, adoption was the right thing to do. Our family life is full of challenges, but my children are wonderful. I couldn't imagine life without them.

If you consider adoption, you have to be on board with the fact that it is different from having birth children. It is hard to understand for non-adopters, but it really is something different - and that's okay!

We chose adoption over fertility. I'd always wanted to adopt and felt squeamish at the thought of being pregnant and giving birth so for us it made perfect sense! We're 8 years in and completely happy with our decision. Recently (probably with menopause on the horizon!), I've occasionally wondered what it would be like to be pregnant if someone is talking about it or I read an article, but only in a very vague "I haven't experienced that. I wonder how it feels" kind of way. Sometimes I wonder if there's a "mum intuition" that is only there if you give birth but I will never know so don't get het up about it! I have no regrets and I'm incredibly proud of the way I became a mum. It has always felt like it was the right decision for me.

I think you need to do a bit more research (on both options) before taking next steps. "We have discussed adoption and are on board" - have you really looked into what it means to parent an adopted child/ren? Are there any information evenings or opportunities to speak to adoption agencies? Do you have friends who have adopted?

Equally, your comments on fertility treatment seem vague, if no one wants to treat you, and it is what you want then take control and find out what is available, if you do have issues beyond taking a bit longer to conceive.

If you try fertility treatment without any success, you will need to be able to process that (as much as possible) before adopting.
There are some good counsellors around, my counsellor became a mum via adoption.

You could read the following books, if you haven't already. They are good starters.

Sally Donovan: No Matter What
Dan Hughes: Building the Bonds of Attachment
Julia Davis: Preparing for Adoption

Pursue fertility treatment full on. You still have plenty of time. 15-20% of children adopted have to be returned to care. I have adopted twice and would not recommend it. I am really sorry to say that but it is too hard even if you are well off, educated Able to give up your career, finances, relationship, social life etc to be a full time carer to a disabled child etc. It is a parenting struggle that lasts for years. I will probably get flamed and shouted down by many on here but I don’t know any adopters who are doing well and not regretting it.

We chose adoption over fertility treatment, but I was ten years older than you, so felt that time wasn’t on my side.
I want to add for balance that we are three years in with my son, he’s almost completed his first year at school and so far we are a normal family and I know other adoptive families who are in the same boat. I know that’s not to say we won’t have problems in the future but as it stands at the moment all is good.
Saying that though given you are young I would persue fertility treatment first. It’s a long hard slog to adopt and I find myself often feeling heart broken that I not only never got the chance to experience pregnancy, but that I also never got to carry my son in that way. He told me the other day that he wished he grew in my tummy 😥
Only you know what’s right for you, neither paths are easy I’m sure x

Where on earth are you getting that figure from? Please cite your source as I think that's nonsense. The most recent figure I read for adoption placement breakdowns was low single figures.

A recent extensive 5 year study conducted by the bbc. Analysis can also be found on the family futures study on gov.uk. Adoption uk have also produced a study/ analysis based on the findings.
local authorities were always cagey about the breakdown figures. Now we know why. If people really look knot this then I wonder how many people would actually go through with the adoption process.

I'm sorry but you can't have done the calculations correctly to get that figure, the BBC article states:

"Results of the BBC's Freedom of Information requests show that, in the past five years, more than 700 children were returned to care before an adoption order was signed and more than 350 afterwards. About 3,500 children are adopted each year." - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0kdv1x83gko

That is not 15-20%, it's less than 6%.

I stand by 15% due to the following.
14500 children have been adopted in the last 5 years, according to the article 1000 are back in care. That is 7%, many more adoptions break down outside of the system as adopters are so traumatised by dealing with the system that they cannot deal with them anymore so the child simply goes back to live back with birth family or the adopters arrange accommodation for them. The bbc analysis only covered 1000 official returns to care what about the others who simply leave back to birth family or go elsewhere as the relationship totally breaks down. I don’t think the 7% figure can be viewed as a maximum. I know people whose adoptions have broken down and the child has not gone back into care.
if we then say that 15% are a breakdown then surely another 15% are in serious trouble.
compare this with 0.29 % of children in the general population who go into care annually and the figures for adoption in my view are terrible and shocking.
i wish it wasn’t like this but if I had known these figures then honestly me and my dh would have at least had more information about what the devastating consequences can be of adoption breakdown.

Sorry nope but your math isn't mathing. 5 years of 3500 adoptions per year is 17500 - so again its less than 6%. Yes there are very likely many more breakdowns, it's widely referenced that not everything is accounted for, but you have no ACTUAL data just your own random calculations. You also chose the BBC as your source and now are basically citing yourself with anecdotal evidence.

I appreciate you've had a difficult time, it's clear you've been through a lot - I'm truly sorry you've had a hard journey. As have the other 6% documented families with breakdowns. But you cannot just make up numbers like this. We all would like more accurate figures to help us navigate the realities of adoption, nobody wants to be mislead, but making up your own does nothing to improve this. Ultimately all prospective adopters should assume the numbers are greater and that they might well be that statistic, but as far as real data is concerned please leave this to those trying to conduct this research scientifically like the BBC.

I find the adoption barometer is very detailed about where the challenges lie, the numbers are indeed not all great, but at least this data is collected from the community. I suggest the OP explores this and reads widely.