Adoption in crisis

[MyLuckyPoet]

I am seeking advice for my sister who adopted two siblings 18 months ago, they are now 6 and 3, and I am very concerned about her and the possibility of adoption break down. The children have very challenging behaviour which is quite relentless. They were in foster care for a year and displayed no issues but things have been difficult for them from the start. She is well educated in therapeutic parenting, they have had a multidisciplinary report which has recommended theraplay for them as a family at a huge cost which they are awaiting approval for. She has weekly appointments with a psychologist to help them understand the childrens behaviour and their own feelings about it. It has got to the point she says she doesn't like the children, hates parenting and feels she has made a huge mistake. I desperately want to help but I don't know what to do or what other support she could reasonably expect.
I have two autistic children myself and do not live close but I give what practical help I can, she does get respite as both are in full time education and she works part time and she has a partner with flexible schedule.
Please could anyone offer any advice on what I could do or any hope on how things could get better?

Sorry to hear this. Does she have the adoption order? If do, it is hard to return children to the care system as she and her partner are the legal parents. This tends only to happen with older children, with the parents continuing to parent, albeit from a distance. With younger children it will be courses, therapy etc. Does she claim dla for them? That can help fund activities like horse riding, which can be very regulating.

If she doesn’t have the adoption order, she can just walk away, but life will never go back to how it was.

Does she know other adopters? They can be really helpful x

This sounds really tough. Have you looked at the concept of 'blocked care'? This seems to be where she is at at the moment, so reading around that area may give you some ideas of how you can support her.

Thanks both. She does have the adoption order. None of us want this to break down, I don't think anyone could live with that. I agree about the blocked care, I will look more into this. They were matched with other adopters to talk to initially but feels like they are all getting on really well and can't relate. Are there any recommendations for networks to meet other adopters?

Hi

I'm really sorry but she can't disrupt now. Social services will treat her like any parent and expect her to manage. There are other threads on mumsnet from birth parents who are really struggling with very challenging behaviour and are not able to get social services involved.

I know that isn't what she wants to hear but social services will only act if a child is in danger - struggling parents are way down their priority list.

I think there are online group for adopters which might help. Is she a member of Adoption UK?

Early adoption is very tough, and 18 months is still early in adoption terms. There are lots of things folk here can suggest if we know the bits she’s finding tough. I wonder too if part of her is missing her child free self - which can happen anyway with the “easiest” adoption but even more so when everything feels challenging. Counselling for her can help with that part.

Adoption UK is another good resource for support and there may be local organisations that can also help.

https://wearefamilyadoption.org.uk/ mainly for people in the South East

I’m sorry, but I 100 per cent disagree with this comment. Adoptions can and do breakdown (it’s disruption pre-order and breakdown post-order). There are a growing number of adoption disruptions and breakdowns. Adoption is not meant to be a form of martyrdom or purgatory. OP, does your sister have your permission to be posting here? The reason I ask, is that well meaning relatives who don’t live the reality 24/7 can try to get involved in a bid to ‘save’ the adoption or ‘save’ the children. Parenting society’s most vulnerable children is extreme parenting. Sadly, due to some children’s prenatal and early life experiences, they can find it difficult to live happily in loving, safe and ‘normal’ family homes. I really wish that we could de-stigmatise breakdowns and disruptions. Nobody goes through the hellish and intrusive process to become an adopter only to think, no, sorry, mate, this is all a bit hard so back into care you go. People are driven into insanity, lose their careers, their marriages, their homes and their health when they reach the point of no return. The truth is, there is no meaningful support for adoptive families any more. OP, if you are posting here in good faith, I would urge your sister to join PATCH (I think it’s ourpatch.co.uk) and there are also closed disruption and breakdown groups on FB. These are incredibly supportive groups for those of us who have been put through the absolute mill by adoption.

Birth parents don't tend to put their severed challenging children into care and adopters are legally in the same position. This is what adoption means.

Yes, some children, whether birth or adopted, will enter the care system at the request of the parents. I maintain that this usually happens with older children. And often it will involve one child, not a sibling group. And parents will normally still be involved.

Another option is to get high levels of residential care through an ehc plan.

This is not true. Yes they do. Your point is reductionist. We are parenting some of society’s most challenging and harmed children. It’s not a case of comparing like with like. Adoptions can and do break down pre and post-adoption order. There is much recent research. I would recommend all the most recent BBC coverage. When adoptions break down post-adoption order, it’s usually initially on the basis of a s20 which is meant to confer full decision-making to adoptive parents, the reality is often very different. I would recommend that the OP suggests to her sister to join the campaign group PATCH so she can find peer support there.