AD anxious about letterbox contact

[EnergyCreatesReality]

My AD7 has known that we write letters to birth family and sometimes receive replies but hasn't paid much interest until now.

We send photos as part of the agreement, although they only show AD from behind, but she is adamant that she doesn't want us to send photos any more and doesn't want us to share certain information, for example she doesn't want birth family to know what colour her hair is or that she wears glasses. I'm due to write a letter and she's getting very anxious about what I'm going to write. I've told her she can go through my phone and choose photos she's happy with and also tell me what she wants me to write but she's still getting upset over it.

She is becoming more aware that we don't share photos of her online and she can't have her photo taken at school events or clubs outside of school so I'm not sure if this is what is causing the anxiety. She has also recently become scared to go anywhere by herself, for example, would rather wet herself at home than go upstairs to the toilet by herself.

We were referred to CAMHS by the school for help with anxiety and all that happened was I had to go on a 6 week parenting course where the opening line by the therapist was "I've never dealt with an adopted child before so I think a lot of what I'm going to tell you probably won't work with a child who has experienced trauma" (and it didn't). We're now waiting on referrals for further help with anxiety.

I don't know whether just to write the letters and not tell her (and then also hide the replies), or abide by her wishes and not write.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

I guess the starting point is why she doesn't want them to know, and whether those reasons are valid or based on a misunderstanding.
Is she at risk?
Why do you send photos at all if they aren't good ones that show her?
Is it she doesn't want to share info with people who harmed her?

We send good quality photos that re in a non identifiable location, or from holidays.
If there was risk we wouldn't send them at all.

I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to say to letterbox that AD doesn't want to share photos at the moment. OTOH i think keeping letterbox meaningful is quite important, so working out what you can reasonably share and what you can't would be helpful.

Agree with Pp about digging into why she doesn’t want you to share info however, I think letterbox is supposed to be for the benefit of the child. I’d have no issues in saying you aren’t sending photos until/if DD is comfortable for you to do so (situation here is that Bf are pushing for photos and we are refusing as they aren’t that far away and pose a considerable risk).

Write a letter she’s happy for you to send, even if you have to include ‘we aren’t including photos this time as DD has asked us not to.’

Don’t lie about sending or receiving them, she needs you to be 100% reliable and honest. Maybe explain you have agreed to write each year and it’s important you do as you promised (as I’m sure you keep your promises to her) but ultimately, the letter is for her so she deserves to have it be something she’s comfortable with.

My child (similar age) also gets anxious about letterbox. They read my letter and approve it before I send it, they can’t face reading the responses so I just give reassurance that it’s a nice letter and refer to a particular bit they will like and keep them for the future. Personally I wouldn’t include anything your daughter doesn’t want you too. I’m sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with anxiety (same here). Good luck.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders birth parents are low risk but fairly local to us so we were told by the letterbox team to only send photos that are either from behind or where she is wearing a hat so her face isn't recognisable.

I've tried to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want them to see photos or know certain info but AD can't articulate it. I don't know if it's part of her wider anxiety issues or because she is understanding more about adoption now she is a bit older as she is mentioning it more.

As pp suggested I think I will explain that I promised to write the letters (and we have a firm agreement in our household that we do not break promises) but I will only write what she wants me to. I think I will also speak with the letterbox team about not sending photos even if it's just for this upcoming letter.

Agree with FinallyMummy in that you should not send letters behind her back. That's a massive breach of trust, chances are she will find out sooner or later and resent you for it. It's incredibly upsetting to know that someone you trust as a parent is sending updates behind your back to someone that you're scared of.

Depending on the age she was removed, there might be something she doesn't fully remember that makes her scared of them. It's hard to articulate when your body knows that there's something off but your brain can't tell exactly what.

I don't know her BPs personally, but make sure that she knows her feelings matter in all this.

I would never send any letter behind her back, we always read it to her first so she's happy with what's being sent. In the past she's wanted to draw pictures to send along with the letters so it's only this year that it's causing anxiety.

She was removed at 10 months old and with FC for a year and details of BP are sketchy so we think a lot more went on than SS were aware of to be honest.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she doesn’t want you sending photos of her to people she doesn’t have a relationship with. Given her age at removal she may only have a vague concept of what it means to have a birth family, not at all to say she won’t be impacted by removal but she won’t have a narrative memory of them which can be really difficult.

I’d send a letter that is sufficiently vague about your DDs day to day life, let her know the content and explain you aren’t going to be sending photos. Your DDs feelings may change over time but I’d respect her wishes about what you tell them and what you share.