I wish I'd Never Discovered My Bio Father's Identity

[BeyondTraumatised75]

I was step parent adopted at a very young age and only discovered my step father wasn't my biological Dad when I was 16. Mum wouldn't tell me anything about my bio Dad other than a name which turned out to be false. Obtaining my adoption records years later revealed very little. The social worker clearly wasn't very diligent as the entire adoption report was less than half a sheet of A4. I spent years painstakingly searching and finally took a DNA test hoping this would give me the answers I needed. My bio Dad was dead but I did meet a half sibling. I wish I hadn't. My bio Dad spent most of his life in and out of prison, and committed some really heinous crimes. He never had a job. I feel absolutely despairing, ashamed, and embarrassed knowing I carry the DNA of such an awful individual and am struggling to cope. I literally have none to discuss this with because it's so sickening. My very supportive husband spent months painstakingly researching through matches on Ancestry because he knew how I felt not knowing half my identity. I don't want to appear ungrateful by telling him how utterly depressed I feel. The contact I had with my half sibling ended fairly quickly as we had little in common. I don't have any children which is something of a relief that the bad genes end with me. How do I move forward from this? I've considered counselling but I worry that no one would understand or see me as deserving.

I think you need to try and find a counsellor specialising in adoptees.

We cannot control or take responsibility for what our forefathers did.
The very fact that you are distressed by the antics of your bio dad highlights that you have morals and standards.
You are not him and you need not be defined by him.

I'm so sorry. My younger daughter feels the same about her birth father - he too has been in prison and it's for schedule 1 offences.

Difference is we knew this when the girls were younger and were able to introduce the story to them along the way. They had what is called life story work with a social worker and later on my younger daughter had two years of 1 to 1 therapy for it.

We know that the girls have a genetic deletion inherited from him which could partly explain why his behaviour was erratic. He came from a family beset by problems for generations and it is likely that the genetic deletion played a big part.

My daughters are hopefully going to buck their genetic inheritance because they got out and got a different sort of parenting.

I would suggest you see a counsellor but make sure it is someone who understands adoption. I think you can contact your regional adoption Centre if you are in England and ask for contacts. Good luck.

Thank you for relying. Yes I’ve always worked hard and had extremely high standards and morals. Knowing that my bio father was such a complete and utter waste of space has had a massive impact. Although I agree I’m not defined by him I still carry 50% of his hideous genes.

Many thanks for replying @Arran2024 and I’m really sorry about your children’s experience. I’m glad your younger daughter has received help and therapy. I feel support for adoptees is grossly inadequate and often the fact someone is adopted is simply brushed over. Considering adopted people are over represented in mental health services this shouldn’t be the case.
I hope your daughters are able to overcome their background and I’m sure your good parenting will definitely help.

Genes are neither good nor bad, they’re just the biological material that makes up our physical bodies. Your bio dad didn’t behave the way he did out of some biological predetermination - he made choices along the way that took him there.

Him being the person he was doesn’t determine who you are, or your moral compass. I get that he’s not what you envisaged, or hoped he would be but that’s not a reflection on you - you don’t carry evil inside you because of him.

I don't think any counsellor would see it as strange to be very upset by this. There has been a lot written about the sons and daughters of prominent Nazis for instance, (the best known book on this subject is by Tania Crasnianski) and how hard it is to live with that legacy.

So don't be afraid to reach out.

I feel for you! My birth mother dumped me when I was six on Paddington Station (no laughing) I think it was arranged as my father picked me up.
Move on many years me married, a midwife, and children, I decided to find her. I tracked her down and wrote her a letter and told her about my life. Letter from her came back saying “I was the worst thing in her life, do not contact me again”
You cannot change your parents, they do not define you!
Take care of yourself and be proud of yourself!

This. It’s the combination of genes and environment that matter, and more environmental. What we’re taught and role modelled. Your dad was a product of his environment, as are you.

@BeyondTraumatised75 The ending part of your pp OP, ‘…they won’t think I’m deserving’ of therapy, is so far off the mark!

Your thinking is skewed, I suspect your self esteem was low already anyway.

Please get some therapy to work through this.

I can understand how heavy that feels. Aslo this won't change the feeling overnight, but you need to understand that it is just a starting point, not a verdict. The fact that this bothers you so much really does say a lot about who you are, in a good way.

I am an adopter. We have explained DNA to our children as inheriting potential. What you do with the potential is up to you, your experiences and your environment. So the potential of high social skills might be expressed by becoming a criminal defrauding people, or by becoming an excellent therapist or PR professional. You are not responsible for what your father has done. You carry his genes but they are expressed very differently in you.

Many perpetrators were victims themselves. That does not excuse their crimes, but it helps a bit with understanding their actions.

My great-great-grandfather did something awful, but my great-aunt did something wonderful. We all have horrible and wonderful ancestors and many in-between ones. You share genes with your father, but the main influence on you seems to have been your stepfather. Please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to minimise your experience, I am just trying to give you ideas for different ways of thinking about it.

You are definitely deserving of therapy! Tons of people go into therapy, usually not because of their greatest moments. I would also consider sharing your struggle with your partner. You didn't know you were opening Pandora's box and neither did he. He knows you well but is slightly removed. It might help to get his perspective.

Hello,
Others on here have more experience and can articulate much better than I and I could be wrong and happy to be corrected but I wondered if Life Story Work via the LA would be appropriate and help you ?
What is life story work and why does it matter?

I know the Life Story Practitioner for my son works with children, but she mentioned once that the team had a client in their 80's.

If you did decide to go for counselling could you contact your LA to provide specialist counsellors that they use who have experience of adoptees?

I wish you peace
xx