Adoption: Is it normal to feel detached and bond gradually?

[WorkingoutFeelings]

I wanted to ask does adoption feel like babysitting in the early days and weeks? Is it normal to feel detached and need time to form a bond and feel love ? Or are you expected to immediately feel love. Does it go against you to feel unsure then take time to allow the relationship to develop?

If you think about it, you’re introduced to little people who are a stranger to you. It would be pretty unusual to feel an immediate bond or love for anyone when you’ve just met.

I know with my two at first I felt more of a commitment to love than a feeling of love. I felt that they were mine, and wanted to be the best person for them but feelings of love took time. It didn’t feel like I was babysitting as such, I was very aware I needed to learn their likes and dislikes, and how to comfort them when they were terrified and were going through such a huge change (as was I).

I think expecting love right from the start is too high an expectation and can stop new adopters asking for help or acknowledging they’re finding it hard going. I remember clearly looking at my DD and knowing I’d take a bullet for her but that was a good while after placement. Bonding takes time.

I guess that some people fall in love at first sight, like some people do romantically, but that for most people it's a longer process. Of course, with adoption there can be all sorts of complicated feelings flying about too and some of the children are harder to fall in love with due to the effects of their early trauma.

You just need to give it time and make sure you have properly dealt with your own feelings and get the child help for eg attachment issues, sensory issues etc.

I’d say it took me two years to feel real heart wrenching love. I didn’t expect to feel it quickly but it did still feel a bit devastating when it took a long while to come. The early days are surreal times, or at least they were for me. If that’s where you are now be kind to yourself.

Yes very normal. I adopted an “older” child. I felt committed and protective straight away. Love took a while. The early days are hard. I think I was in shock for months. I now utterly love my child. Try focusing on their characteristics you admire. You are not failing because you don’t feel love straight away, your feelings are normal and ok.

I call it The kick in the guts moment. The biggest one for me was our fourth AC he was 5 when placed and quite complex and I will admit I had difficulty in bonding unlike the other 3.
When he was 6 he became poorly and required surgery, a few days later he required more surgery he laid in the bed looking so unwell and I suddenly burst into tears (I am not a crier, old nurse) That was it I realised how much I loved him!

I bonded very quickly with our LO, but DH took a couple of months. The first 2-3 months he said it felt like he was babysitting someone else's child and really struggled. The first few months are very tough, we were all in survival mode, including the LO. DH was open to SW and she said this was very normal. Reading online and listening to podcasts from adoptive parents, this is quite common. So we kept at it and fast forward we're now almost a year in. The two of them are like two peas in a pond. They have the same silly sense of humour, they do things together that they both enjoy, like playing music, dancing, rough play etc. LO loves daddy time, and daddy loves 1-2-1 time with the LO.

I think the biggest fear of most adoptive parents are that they won't bond/love their dc and while I'm sure there are cases of it not happening, it definitely grows in most cases.

Our LO bonded with DH straight away and I was terrified. For a few weeks it was so hard, I'd misjudged both how much patience I'd need and how much I had. It was pure survival for me (and LO I think) - and that's normal.
You're 2 strangers being thrown together, one (dc) has to depend on the other for everything and just trust that they'll provide and the other has to shoulder the responsibility of that while staying sane, learning how to parent and manage 1000 other things.

In my case, DH loved LO quickly and then it just grew and I survived then started to feel protective etc. My whole adoption group were similar (with variations in the timeline) and all SWs have said this is normal.

I think we were maybe 2 months in when LO hurt themselves while we were out and I felt it. I recognised his cry, I reacted instinctively and I just felt it. It's hard to explain.

I have 2 adopted children. With the first I bonded instantly. We had spent a couple of hours with him and there was a moment I just fell in love with him and that was it.
With my second it took probably about 2 years to fully bond . It came very gradually.
Interestingly my sister has had similar experiences with her birth children. It didn't take 2 years but certainly weeks before her second baby stopped feeling like a stranger to here.

I had a birth child and then adopted. It took me about 4 years to properly bond with my birth child - where I didnt feel I was a natural. And I was faking it til I made it. So 2 years later, I never worried with my adopted child when I didn't get the instant glowy bond people talk about. It sneaked up on me and I suddenly realised it was there in both cases.

We adopted our son when he wasn’t much over a year old, and I was really inexperienced. Basically for the first year I was knackered & firefighting, he’s a lovely little boy but very active & demanding. I don’t think I loved him for at least a year. A lot of that was just being exhausted and having no family support. After about a year to 18 months, I did start to feel love.

I remember one very laughable moment during our two week transition, when I said I needed a day off because it was really intense, and our social worker asked me yes but you do love him don’t you?
I remember thinking what a ridiculous remark , do I love him after seven days. I think I just said yes to shut her up, but still to this day I think what a ridiculous question.