Pre-school

[TwinklyNavyMaker]

Hi all, just looking for some advice. Our LO was placed in September and in January we started a very gentle introduction to pre-school. They are very high functioning and I wanted some time individually with their sibling hence why we decided to start.

Was all going very well until recently there was a break of a few weeks and going back today has been traumatic. Lots of crying to the point they were sick and toilet issues as well. They have since said they don’t like pre- school because I’m gone.

They’ve only been going for 3 hours a week previously. Just wondering whether to scale things back or push on or if there’s anything else I can do to help. They generally have become more attached to me recently which generally is a good thing but is obviously also causing some separation anxiety!

thanks for your help and wisdom.

If they're only doing three hours a week, it's surely worth giving it at least another week to see if today was just a blip. Given that they were upset, clingy and then sick and toilet issues, is it actually possible that they were in fact unwell rather than it being solely a separation anxiety thing? Were they sick before they went or while they were there?

I would be inclined to try again next week in a breezy matter-of-fact way, mentioning the things that they like doing there, but if you are getting the same result then, yes, I would dial it back, perhaps take a break and then consider a different setting to see if it makes a difference. They may be the 'big kid' in your family but a preschooler is still really tiny and they haven't been with you that long.

It isn't unusual even for well attached small children to be inconsolable at the thought of a few hours of preschool. They can go through phases of it and generally come out of it fine on the other side. Your little one does have more going on, and it's always worth considering that, due to their background, their emotional development is likely to be behind their peers by as much as a couple of years, even if they do come across as more advanced in other ways. Listen to their concerns and definitely give them the benefit of the doubt if they are asking for more time with you. While they are still learning to trust you as their safe person, this will stand you in better stead long term than insisting on powering through.

Are they starting school in September? If so, I'd be more inclined to work a bit harder on finding a setting that they feel happier in, after a bit of a fire break, so they have some positive childcare experiences ahead of starting school. In the meantime, I'd look at getting out to parent and toddler groups along with your other, presumably younger, child. Then they can get used to getting on with crafts and other activities with you on hand, but they can start to move away from you and back to you on their own terms, before it becomes a non-negotiable when they need to start school.

They were placed in September and you started them in nursery in January? This seems a small amount of time to bond before seperating. I imagine they may be finding it tough knowing you've still got sibling with you whilst they are at pre school.

Mine found it very difficult and we didn't start for almost a year after placement. He found it very difficult after any break in nursery and we had to continually build him back up to his full day after this. If you don't need LO to be at preschool id start with just hour blocks again when they are ready and build it up. Your social worker should be able to offer some advice here too, what are their thoughts?

Hope things are going well otherwise though!

How old is your little one and what was their routine before they were placed with you? Were they in pre-school or nursery in foster care?

It’s very quick to have them in pre-school after a few months, if that was their routine before placement it can make sense to return to that. I’d also say that sibling placements are very tough in the early months so I can totally understand you wanting time with the younger sibling alone. Don’t be fooled by the older one seeming to be “high functioning”. Think about what you mean by that - you’re talking about a small child whose world has completely changed, they’ll still be experiencing all the anxiety, fear, excitement that comes with that but may show that in ways you don’t expect, or be masking all of that because that’s how they survive.

I’d give it another chance, bright and breezy, lots of chat about what they’ll enjoy while they’re there, and lots of chat about what you’ll be doing while they’re gone (keep it low key and boring). When you pick them up talk about how you thought of them while doing x, y or z or how you planned to go to the park when you picked them up. Make the link between you very explicit while you’re separated so they know you still hold them in mind. Perhaps think of something to act as a transition object - my DS would give me a favourite stuffy to look after while he was in nursery, my DD looked after a thing of mine. If there’s still high levels of distress I’d pull them out for now and try again after Easter.

In reality 4 months isn’t long, you’ll be seeing new behaviours and capacities as the kids settle with you and begin to feel safe enough to let you see them. I’d just be very flexible for now.