DP showed DC a horrible picture of BM. Perspectives needed

[Rainallnight]

As the title says, really.

After therapy theother day, DD (9) asked DP to see a photo of her BM. Instead of waiting till they were home with the life story book, DP showed DD one from Facebook.

I’m not going to describe it in detail, but suffice to say BM looks awful; it’s quite an uncomfortable photo, even for an adult to see. It’s very different from the one in the life story book, which was taken in better days.

It all came out this evening when DD got very upset about it and told me. It’s really affected her and she already has complicated feelings about BM.

I’ve spoken to DP about it, who got very defensive and doesn’t see the issue.

I am aghast and can’t imagine what possessed her (though I’ll accept she’s had an extremely stressful week at work so maybe wasn’t thinking rationally).

But DP is so defensive I am wondering if I’m wrong.

I need perspectives from fellow adopters, please.

I'd be upset about this too. The way you've described it, I can see why it would be quite hard for DD to see the photo. I haven't seen the photo though or the way in which it was shown, but in general I think it's a good idea to plan and be considered about how and when to share new information about birth family, which would include photos that are different from ones they've already seen.

I'd also be feeling really funny about it coming from facebook, I've heard lots of adopters talk about looking up birth parents on facebook like it's nothing but it makes me uncomfortable. I can see it's useful to know what's out there for our children to find. But I wouldn't want mine to know I'd been scraping their birth parents social media for photos, nor would I want to lie about how I'd acquired any photos.

I’d want to really talk this through with your partner. Is it possible she was feeling threatened and wanted your DD to see her birth mum in a less good light? Was she caught on the hop and did the first thing that came to mind? Is this a photo your partner knew was accessible and didn’t think about the potential impact?

Id want to know how it happened and agree a plan going forward. There are going be times when our children want information that is tricky and you need a consistent approach to it.

@PurpleGreenO Yes, that’s one of my big concerns about it. It should be planned and agreed, and thought through in advance. I’ve always taken very seriously our role as custodians of DCs’ stories, helping them to navigate it in an age appropriate and thoughtful way. It feels as though this action has just driven a bulldozer through it.

And I am concerned about the social media element. She literally showed it to her on BD’s Facebook page, and I’m very concerned at the introduction of the idea that you can just whip out a phone to find birth family.

@Jellycatspyjamas, she was caught on the hop. She said she felt put on the spot and did the first thing that came to mind. Whereas I think it’s our job to hold boundaries and to say I know you want to see that now but we have to wait till we’re home to get the life story book.

And it is possible she was feeling threatened. She said she felt DD was romanticising BM and that it might not be bad for her to see her in a more realistic light. Again, I think that’s something that needs a very considered approach.

We do need to speak about it again and I really want her to reflect on it. She generally reacts badly to criticism and sees me as critcal so it’s not been possible to have a measured conversation about it.

As other posters said above, be careful with facebook.

I'd definitely talk to your partner, but has your daughter seen the life story pictures before? If she has, maybe she wanted to see a different one. If she has not, then that's an opportunity missed. Sometimes one has a stressful day, children are insistent and we have a lapse in judgement, but it sounds like she didn't anticipate it could have had these consequences and therefore is defensive because of that.

Either way, your daughter is still quite young. Obviously we don't know the nature of the picture, but eventually she will have to come to terms with all the actions from birth mother and with the fact that this is part of who BM is. DD may need reassurance that this doesn't reflect on herself or on who she is as a person.

I think the issue really is you not being able to have a measured conversation with her about it. I can see her being caught out and wanting to respond immediately. I also remember finding my DDs therapy sessions very hard going, both watching my DD pick her way through some tough stuff but also feeling quite raw myself, while also supporting my DD. So it may not have been the best time for your partner to try and respond in a measured way to your DDs request.

Can you move the conversation away from this particular incident, recognising your DD will be asking questions and agreeing together how you’ll respond?