Transition and birthday

[Mazzles01]

I would like to hear from other adoptive families who have had experience of going through the two week transition program which coincides with the young child’s birthday? There’s currently a discussion with social services as to whether the birthday should be celebrated at the Foster carers home with her family. I have strong reservations and worry that this would be emotionally too loud in the midst of a big life change that could impact the child long-term and jeopardise the transition.

You don't say how old.

My gut is to say celebrate at foster carers but with adoptive parents present.
You normally celebrate with those who know and love you best, in this case the FCs. (It could double as a moving on party too.) But having the APs there too it shows they are now important in the child's life.

Or delay transition until after the birthday.

Others no doubt will have different opinions.

My eldest had her 8th b-day less than 2 months after moving in and it was hard as we didn't know her properly then so were guessing somewhat on what she might like etc.

Hey, so we had a slightly different situation but I'm hoping our experience may still be useful to you.

DS's 6th birthday fell 4 weeks after he first moved in. So while there was never a question of the party being anywhere other than our house. Social services and his lovely foster Mum were very focused on it as part of our overall transition plan.

In the end the party went really well, and while it was at our house, all the guests were from the foster side of his family rather than ours. So foster Mum, her two grown up daughters (who DS knew very well) his social worker, foster Mum's friend from fostering (who again DS knew very well) and she brought her two foster children at the time (who DS again had played with a lot) DS's sisters who he had been with in foster care and their new adoptive parents. (Our actual nextdoor neighbours children should have been coming too but they caught norovirus). We agreed with social services that having anyone from our side of the family who DS hadn't met yet wouldn't be appropriate. And frankly given how I felt on the day meeting quite a few people and children I'd never met becore (while feeling the pressure of hosting) I know they were absolutely right about that.

In your situation I'd be thinking about what sort of party little one will enjoy the most, who is coming, and what will really be easiest for you on the day. (You want to be as relaxed as possible during transitions and that's not easy without an added birthday). Also what (if any) contact will there be with foster family post transition. DS had lots (and 3 years later we're still in occasional touch). In my mind what has to be avoided is turning little ones birthday party into a goodbye party.

Please feel free to ask me any questions if you think it would be useful. I remember it being very daunting organising DS's first party so soon after meeting him.

If the child is very young, they will have no concept of what is going on. The child knows the foster carers and will enjoy a new experience with them, which presumably will just be blowing out some candles and opening some cards and presents.

Our children had a leaving party at the fcs which doesn't sound that different to a birthday party. They were nearly 2 and 3 and neither remembers it.

What IS more likely to upset them imo is doing it with you, basically strangers.

My advice is to do nothing big with your child in the first few weeks in case it gets linked in their minds to sorrow or worry.

My younger daughter used to throw a complete tantrum on a particular stretch of road. It took me years to realise this was the way we had brought her home - we rarely went that way, but when we did it triggered her.

We also, on advice from post adoption therapy, painted our front door a different colour - when we came back from holidays, she would again be very angry and upset.

Our other daughter wasn't affected.

Imo you are safest to let this birthday go.

I would want it kept really small just a cake at foster carers for the photo books for young child,no one else involved that wasn't a part of transitions and very low key and celebrated towards start of transitions even if that's not where the actual birthday falls so the trauma of transitions doesn't get linked to her birthday for future,like how Christmas transitions are avoided I would have thought?

I think all 3 above have very valid points.

We had a similar situation in that Mother's day was two days before he was due to move. So I asked for intros to be delayed a week to avoid it. I didn't want him to be confused or have conflicted loyalties.
A lot depends on the age of the child. Are they school age and would be expecting a big party? Will they feel they have missed out if they don't have a party?
Personally I feel that birthday parties for vsmall children are often more for the adults anyway.
Its also likely that the foster family will have some sort of party or special tea. Please don't deny the foster carers that opportunity.
Party also doesn't have to mean a huge affair where everybody gets over emotional.
It could just be their favourite meal, cake and presents.

Unless your child is very young, I would try to move the transition and let this birthday go. I would not want them to associate the birthday with this huge transition and trauma. If they do, you will regret it in the years to come.

Like others have said, it depends on the age of the child and their personality. My daughter had her 6th birthday 5 weeks after moving in and 1 week after starting a new school. She loved her birthday and managed fine. She wanted to be adopted though and saw adoption as her ticket to happiness.

It depends on the age of the child and their usual experience of birthdays. If they’re very small (under 2) I’d do something small with the foster carers. If they’re older I’d postpone intros and jet them enjoy their birthday without the stress of introductions at the same time. You’ll have all their other birthdays to celebrate. Birthdays can be tricky with adopted children anyway so I’d not want to have another emotionally charged circumstance going on at the same time.

I agree with the others. As a foster carer and adoptive parent, I would recommend having a small celebration at the carer's home with the adoptive parents present and preferably somewhat involved. I might also try to keep the number of people present to a minimum and maybe skip a traditional birthday party with friends from school or people who won't be actively involved in the transition. It really depends on the age and how comfortable the child is with you/how adjusted they are after a couple of weeks.