Am I a bad mum for feeling uncertain about adoption?

[JesssIsCrazzzzzy]

I have been fostering three children for some time now, and all three have recently started the switch to foster to adopt. Their workers suggested I consider adopting, and something about it just makes me feel uneasy. Two of the children (siblings) have been with me for years and feel like part of the family. The other one is settled and doing well, but I just have had such a hard time bonding with him, and I've tried everything his worker suggested, but nothing's really caused the click. I wonder if that will improve if I were to pursue adoption, or not? I also feel that if I pursued adoption of the siblings and waited longer with the other, he would feel unwanted. Am I a bad carer for feeling this way?

If they were adopted by someone else they'd be split up anyway.

So i don't see why you shouldn't adopt the siblings but let the other one who has been with you less time and with whom you are less attached move on to their own new family.

Would the social workers listen to you if you said that:
. you want to adopt the siblings but not the single one
. you suggest they find parents for the single one and you transition him/her
. only then do you proceed with formally adopting the siblings

Check out the financial implications of adopting versus fostering. Usually sws don't want foster carers to adopt because they don't want to lose good foster carers.

@JesssIsCrazzzzzy

No I don't think you are a bad mum at all, just trying to do your best for everyone.

Im an adopter and gave been fostering for 2 years now and I'd say tread carefully and make sure the LA isn't just trying to cut costs.
On an emotional level Id say if you haven't bonded with the third child after a significant time then I'm not sure adoption would change that for you. But you are right to be concerned that if you adopted the other two, that he might feel rejected.
So if you wanted to adopt the other two, I would move him on first.
You also need to protect yourself financially - what are the LA offering you in terms of support, will you be able to continue fostering ?
No easy decision here for you

Btw if the plan is for all three to stay together, they are unlikely to let you take two. They would have to change the plan, and they don't do that lightly.

Do you want to adopt all three? I’d start there. Are they siblings where the assessment is that they are placed together? Has a formal siblings assessment been done? It often isn’t for foster care but needs to be done for adoption.

If you have two siblings and one singleton it’s less of a dilemma but you’re right to consider feelings of rejection and look at ways to avoid that. It may be the singleton needs a different placement before you move to adoption with the other two. You’ll certainly can’t have one child continuing with you in a foster placement while you adopt the other two and I’d think that adoption will mean not fostering for quite some time while the adoption works itself through, which will have financial implications for you in the short to medium term. Is permanent fostering an option for the older two?

Thanks so much for the imput! I've decided to pursue the other two, and his transition to foster to adopt has been paused temporarily as we recently found out his biological mums in prison and won't be out for some time. She has not really ever been very involved. But the workers (and I) feel it may cause some trauma or emotional instability. And as the transition to foster to adopt can be stressful on its own, it made the most sense in the moment. As of right now, it seems he is going to be staying with me for at least a few more months, so I do have more time to think about this.

If the long term plan for this little one is adoption research shows it’s better to secure adoption sooner rather than later because it gives permanence at a younger age. How old are the kids, foster to adopt usually refers to a specific early permanence route for infants, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

the biological siblings are 6, and 7yo, and the other is also 6yo.

That’s quite old for foster to adopt and I’d suggest the singleton 6 year old is unlikely to be adopted unless there’s concerted effort on the part of social work to find an adoptive placement. I’d be having very clear conversations about his future because there’s a danger he’ll be left in placement with you and things will drift, which isn’t fair to him. I’d really question any social worker pressing ahead with the adoption of the siblings while leaving the third child in your care indefinitely.

I quite agree now. But finding a definite answer on his future is out of my control, so I have just been doing my best to keep things going with the other two. He is likely to be with me for a few months at least, so I do have time to think it over and try other ways of bonding.