Adopting with birth children

[Autumnleaves30]

We are currently going through stage 1 at the moment and having lots of wobbles in regards to how adoption could potentially impact our biological children. Social worker has been clear that the needs of our biological children will be prioritised when it comes to the matching process and we have been clear about what we feel we can manage. Would love to hear from those with experience of this and how it turned out especially if you have been through the teenage years.

@Autumnleaves30

Hi, I don't have birth children so I can't give you a perspective on that but I didnt want to leave this unanswered.

I adopted an 8 year old. He is now 21, at uni and on the whole doing very well.
There have been many challenges, but not really on the scale of many people. Age 12 - 15 were undoubtedly the trickiest. We were very fortunate to get funded therapy and were supported by excellent schools.
Personally I think matching is more an art than a science. My son was the perfect match for me, but to be honest it was as much luck as judgement.
The thing is, if you adopt a very young child, no one can give you any guarantees about what will happen when they start school - school/nursery are often when issues first appear.

Another big trigger point is the move to secondary school. Many children just find it overwhelming.
The teenage years can be very tough, the natural teenage wish to establish their own identity can be exacerbated by curiosity about birth family.
With regard to the matching process I'd advise you to keep an open mind.

If a child has a diagnosis, try to look beyond the words, to how it impacts the individual child. ASD for example is such a wide spectrum. I was adament for example that I couldn't cope with a child with ASD. Yet here I am with exactly that and its turned out well.

Worries and concerns are perfectly natural, it shows you are thinking about things.

Good luck

I’m in the teenage years just now, with a 13 and 15 year old placed when they were 4 and 6. They are both great. My DD15 has had her challenges and needs a lot of support but honestly I think you just adjust your parenting for the child you have. There have been episodes of self harm and an eating disorder that rears its head every now and again, it’s sounds odd saying but I feel were able to deal with things well. I know where it comes from and we have a really good relationship so can talk things through. My DS is great, no issues so far.

I think it depends on the kind of person you are how well you cope. I’ve had a lot of experience supporting kids so understand my DDs difficulties and am not phased by her mental health and the way that sometimes manifests. Concerned, yes, put safeguards in place, absolutely but I’m not panicked by it.

I think the most important things are having knowledge about systems and supports (and how to argue your way in if need be) and being able to keep calm, connected and measured in the face of the unexpected.

Before my kids were placed a friend (who also adopted) told me to hold really clear boundaries and that has stood me in good stead. Some of the theory around parenting can lead to folk thinking they can’t say “no” or impose standards of behaviour but children feel safe when they know their limits. Your parenting will need to adjust to any adopted child but that doesn’t mean anything goes. Yes we need to actively build connection and consider the impact of early trauma - so the more reading you can do on trauma, attachment and different parenting strategies the better, there is no one size fits all or one answer to every difficulty so the more you have in your toolkit the better.

The reality is that adoption impacts children, so you need to be prepared for a child who has different needs but no one can predict what those needs might be despite assessment and matching. In my circle there’s one family who are experiencing significant issues, the rest are just living family life as you do.

I haven't adopted with birth children either, although hopefully someone will be along shortly who has. I also don't quite have a teenager yet so can't comment on that either. I just wanted to mention that the question of impact on birth children does come up a lot on this forum so, if you haven't already, do scroll down the list of posts and you'll see what has been said already.

@Autumnleaves30 welcome to the adoption rollercoaster. We adopted in 2024 a 3 year old and we had a birth child who was 8.

When we started the process he was 5 almost 6 so chatting to him about what was to come was age appropriate, then as we were approved for adoption and started family finding we did a lot more talking about what was to come and what we were looking for so he felt involved. Though he was never included in any choices of child.

Eventually we chose to adopt a girl as we felt the opposite sex would present less challenges with the practical things like toys being handed down and clothes etc.

When family finding we definitely had a few wobbles about the impact on our son, but we were clear with our SW about him being the priority and what we could manage in terms of needs for an adoptive child.

As it was after a lot of searching we found the perfect girl for us and so far we have been extremely lucky. She is a very smart, funny and beautiful girl who we love dearly and we now cannot imagine our family without her.

The transitions though definitely didn’t pass us by without challenges. We did 2 weeks at the foster carers during transitions (1 week just me and my husband) then 2nd week our son joined us. They had already met on play dates/bump into’s 3-4 times before transitions. Our birth son definitely had fun but did have moments where us sharing time was interesting. When she came to us for transitions it was different as our son was back at school for some normality so he wasn’t home with us all day.

The settling in and our son adapting definitely took longer than it took us to bond because he was only home from 3:45 every day and then our adoptive daughters bed time would start at 6:30 so they didn’t have as much time to bond except weekends.

We found it was half terms and Easter holidays when they got to spend time together and we had more family time that the bonding really started but we definitely went through some phases of how he would talk to her and sometimes we had to ask him to be kinder to her (he could be a bit snappy at times and grumpy with her). She dotes on him and would get frustrated when he didn’t want to play with her or wanted space. Over time this improved.

Now they are definitely like any other brother and sister who play together, argue, annoy each other. But you can tell they definitely love each other.

It is normal to be worrried and have wobbles. You need to be open and honest with yourselves about what you can handle from an adoptive child and be sure and not take any risks based on known information.

Also for context after transitions and 2 weeks of paternity for my husband. I took off 8 months leave and my husband took 3 months off so we were home with her for 11 months total. In the last 2 months of leave she started mornings at nursery which she loved for socialising.

Can I ask how old your birth child is and what age group you are thinking of for the adoptive child?

Feel free to ask me any other questions you might have or if I haven’t covered anything you really want to know.

@Jenhen1982 we have a boy aged 7. I have said a child between 0-2 but would be open to older if it was the right match, can I ask when you were matching what you considered in the profile of the child

my head is spinning, I have done so much research and joined every internet forum possible, my first hand experience of people I know who adopted all seems positive, the internet provides a terrifying view at times but with a lot of positive stories inbetween. I also work in childrens mental health so have an insight into adoption in that sense but again this is only when families are in crisis.

we have so much to offer a child but it seems to be such a risk. My head flits between it being the worst thing we could do and the very best we could do

I too don't have teenagers but adopted 3 years ago and now she's 5 and the older two are pre teens.they all get on exactly as any siblings fighting,playing,chaos and fun.the older two understand she has difficulties in some things but she's brilliant at some things.
Matching took along time but was perfect,it was obvious when I saw her profile.and that's kind of it you can do the whole process without having to decide yes or no,then you see the child and it's real and they matter suddenly,if you see what I mean.
Introductions were well done and the social worker team listened well to what would work for the older kids etc,they were very important whole way through.
We've had a lot of ups and downs and I think that's it really,and will continue to be,there's good times and hard times.we were not supported well at the beginning when asking for support but now we are really well supported.
I do imagine teenage years will be tricky but do think there's enough of a gap that the older two will be through it themselves before the youngest gets there.
It's definitely very challenging,alot of trauma for her and parenting a child with trauma is hard,but she's wonderful.
I think it's easier in some ways having had birth children before,you've done things before,you have a relationship with the school already etc.But then it is hard as you are always torn between children's attention,and they all need it all!
I'm sorry I can't be much help,I just honestly think it's ups and downs the whole way!

When we were matching we looked at children that didn’t have any major disabilities. We ruled out Down’s syndrome, deafness, blindness, cerebral palsy etc. We were open to children with some delay but as it was we were lucky enough to find a little girl who is doing amazing with her milestones and is super smart.

She has some emotional trauma from being with birth parents for 2 years before going into care and has experienced DV in utero. So we do know that as she grows we may see some challenges but so far she is amazing! Loves school, is super smart.

She definitely has some clingy tendencies but is very loving; she is still learning about stranger danger which I think is her biggest challenge (she can over familiar) but we think this could be due to her experiences in the first two years of her life!

She is amazing and seeing our two together now makes it all worthwhile. To be honest the internet is scary when you’re adopting. I tried to stay away from forums cos you tend to always hear the bad and never the good outcomes.

We are one of the good outcomes and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Sorry, I also don't have birth children.

Social workers only know so much about each child's history and birth parents aren't all diagnosed. Plus, no one has a crystal ball. However, I would look at the number of ACEs, alcohol and drug exposure (the effects of alcohol are worse, but the two often - though not always! - come together), family histories of schizophrenia, autism, ADHD, learning disabilities etc. Don't think you know better than the medical advisor. I know adopters who regretted that.

For matching, we went a lot by chemistry. For us, that was the right thing to do and we were an excellent match - we still have a ton of problems though. :-)

We had three birth children when we started our adoption journey they were 10,12 and 13. They were old enough to have an opinion and they were all very happy. Our first AS had Down Syndrome and they all were very involved. A long story but others followed!

@Autumnleaves30

Amongst many legendary adopters I have come across over the years @mumof2many1943 is really one of the most exceptional

Thankyou Ted27 I have shed a tear! Don’t do much on here nowadays I am getting on bit but still caring for my three on my own (my lovely DH has died) I still read yours and other lovely adopters’ posts you are all fantastic. Good luck to all of you and take care!