Need to decide whether to continue with process - shouldn't we be sure at this point?

[cluecu]

Hiya - I haven't really posted on this section of MN before but I have been an avid reader and I could really do with some perspectives please.

Background is that after years of TTC, including 5 rounds of IVF, DH (48) and me (45) started the adoption process in Summer 2023. I knew it would be fairly complex due to some elements of my childhood and wider family however we are still not at panel stage. Our SWs have described it as a perfect storm, the main reasons for the delay are:

Medical / NHS
My GP took a long, long time to get me an appointment for the medical and then get the report back to adoption agency. It then transpired months after that that the practice hadn't uploaded all my previous records when I'd registered, meaning that the GP commented they haven't seen my full record. We're now at the point where we need to have the medical done again, as over 2 years (my DH who is at a separate clinic had no issue and was sorted within weeks).

Social Worker job share
We have two social workers handling our application, who work different work days, this has meant two lots of diaries for in-person appointments. I think this was because we are "not in stage 2 but past stage 1" - they have admitted this approach hasn't helped.

Multiple conversations needed around my childhood
This was expected and I have been told I've really impressed them but aside from this adding to the length of time, they have felt that it's been so "big" for me that the other actions have sort of not been progressing so I don't feel overwhelmed (this is apparently why I wasn't told about the extent of the issue with medical).

Anyway, we're at the point where we're not sure if we should continue. From what the SWs say, we should get approved but this is still a while off. I think it's the limbo of it all as assuming we do get approved, it's obv an open-ended process and who knows how much longer things can then take.

It hasn't helped that we're in a lovely WhatsApp group with fellow adoptees from our training, all of whom were at similar stage to us at the time (2 years ago) and all of whom now have their children come home.

Our ages are on our minds and the lack of control and limbo is getting to us. I also think that if it was supposed to happen, I wouldn't be questioning it in the first place. We are thinking that we could make the sad decision to be child-free (which really upsets me but maybe that is just because it's final) and then approach a new life with the upsides of more financial / work freedom, travel, maybe early retirement, lots of fun.

I think the recent news articles about lack of support for families post-adoption hasn't helped. We are tired and I am not sure we have a potentially very stressful (albeit hopefully full of love but obviously likely to be at best difficult at times) route in us after everything we've been through. To be 2.5 years down the line and no end in sight feels cruel and I now am not sure I want to be in this 'system' for life.

If it helps, we're very happily married and a life of just the two of us would also be something to enjoy.

Has anyone got anything that might help me decide what to do next? I feel so confused. Thank you.

Our journey wasn’t as long as yours but we too were the last of our training group to get to panel and to get a match/get our child home and I remember wobbling like you and having the conversation with DH about how maybe this wasn’t the right path for us etc.

For me (not saying this is what you should do) what helped was seeing a counsellor and talking through what my life would be like with and without continuing. The counsellor didn’t actually do much but by talking it out my feelings became clear - I really felt the need to be a mother. So we continued.

If you choose to continue I would say it’s fine to push them to work in a way that helps you.
For example, with the job share, can you ask that all in person meetings are booked for a specific day so that you only deal with one of them? (We did this due to work schedules, every meeting we had was on the same weekday).
You can go to your GP, ask them to request your full records and book in your new medical.

I’m not sure what your family issue is but it’s not unreasonable to ask your social worker what they need to be comfortable that this issue isn’t going to stop you passing panel.

The other thing is that if you choose to continue, you won’t be dealing with this specific system forever.

Lastly, and I think this is really important - there is nothing wrong with making the decision to stop. Childfree is a decision made by a lot of people and if it’s what’s right for you, there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

@cluecu It's a shame this can't be cross-posted as I think there will be people who don't frequent this board who might be in your situation and have some insights.

Thank you for the posts, it's really appreciated. I'm going to create another post elsewhere too, after work, as that's a great point @OVienna do you think Chat would be ok?

@FinallyMummy thank you also for the detailed response, very helpful 🙂

It sounds as if the agency is letting you down.

Medical assessments are usually relatively quick and straightforward. Even where someone has a long-term health condition, medicals should not take years. The lack of timely information from the agency has caused you far more stress than if they had been open with you. At this point, their explanation feels more like a convenient justification for problems they created. Would it be possible for you to pay for a private GP assessment to help move things forward?

Many adopters need several conversations about their own childhood experiences. In most cases, a social worker can complete the assessment with a few additional sessions or they recommend some counselling. That should not take years either.

@FinallyMummy’s suggestion of counselling to help clarify your feelings and decision is sensible. I would also request a meeting with the social workers’ manager. Being 2.5 years into the process with no end in sight and without a clear explanation as to why is completely unacceptable.

@cluecu
Your experience resonates so much with mine. We have been in the process for over 3 years now for similar reasons. I do think that some people get lucky and the stars align with the process running as it should, but it's not been the case for us either through no fault of our own.
The recent press coverage has also seen down heartening to read, not that we expected everything to be sunshine and rainbows, but the way that the thread went on this board about it ("at least people are listening to the reality" type messages) made us really question our decision to keep going so we've hit pause whilst we think it through.

I really understand your worries about age. When we adopted a few years ago, I was nearly 50 and my partner a few years older. Our approval itself moved at a fairly average pace, just under a year from starting. Where things really slowed down for us was afterwards, during family finding.
While most of the others were matched relatively quickly (and no, WhatsApp groups don’t help with that bit!), the matching phase took a very long time for us. Because of our age, we were mainly considering "older" children (4+), and we were also very honest about the level of need we felt able to meet long-term. Of course, we fully understood that any older child who has been in care will have significant needs (developmental trauma and attachment issues are a given) and it’s vital to go into adoption with your eyes open about that. We also knew that meeting those needs would take all our emotional energy, so we didn’t feel able to consider children with additional, significant needs on top of that, nor sibling groups.
We were very honest about this but I do believe it’s far better to be honest at the matching stage than to risk an adoption breakdown later. Inevitably, though, it narrowed the pool, and we found there was quite a lot of “competition” for the children we were being considered for. At one point, we were down to the final two for a little boy I felt strongly about and then we were told they’d chosen the other couple. That was the moment we almost gave up. Time felt like it was running out, and I started to picture a life without children, but with more travel, more time for friends, a quieter pace, etc.
I can only speak for myself, but I am endlessly grateful that we didn’t give up. Life with an adopted child can be unbelievably hard (far harder than most people will ever tell you) but I simply cannot imagine my life without my daughter now. She means everything to me.
Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself. And if you can, hang in there.

Thank you so much, @onlytherain @PinkingScissors @Juna8 I am hoping we decide on our next step over the course of this weekend. It's gone from it being DH who was probably the keener one on adoption in the first place to me now being the one struggling to close it completely.

@Juna8 thank you for telling your story. Would you mind me asking what you have the most difficult parts of being a parent? I have read many books and articles like we probably all have but I'm finding any specific examples really helpful to help us really understand if we feel a) capable and b) if we want to go through with having to deal with them.

All I can think about now are the many positives which was not where I was a year ago and I'm trying to remain balanced and hope a path clears for me

I think I'm leaning towards at least getting to panel but with some stronger words towards the agency.

Our daughter is the most amazing little human: bright, funny, caring and often wise well beyond her years. But because of her early trauma, her brain is quite literally wired differently to keep her safe. She is almost constantly on high alert, with her threat system switched on, and that really affects everyday life.
It means that small triggers can lead to big, seemingly out-of-proportion reactions. When she was younger, this sometimes came out physically; these days it’s more verbal, but it’s still intense. Living with this at home can be exhausting, even though we understand where it comes from and have had training to help us respond in a therapeutic way.
The hardest part, though, is seeing her suffer socially. She has very fragile friendship skills, and relationships tend to break down again and again. Watching her feel rejected and unhappy is heartbreaking, probably the single hardest thing for me.
What I’ve found particularly difficult is how judgemental the outside world can be. I was genuinely shocked by how much misunderstanding there is, sometimes even from teachers or other parents. Over the years we’ve experienced quite a bit of social thinning. If other children don’t want to spend time with your child, you often end up losing the parents too.
All of this is, of course, my personal experience, and I know families with adopted kids who do not have these problems, or to a far lesser extent.

On support: we’ve actually felt quite well supported overall, both by our local authority and our adoption agency, and until recently we had therapy through the ASF.

My adoption assessment took 4 years, I’m a social worker and trauma specialist so on paper it should have been a walk in the park, but life repeatedly kept getting in the way. It is disheartening and we nearly stopped the process a few times.

On a very practical level, ask for one social worker to complete your remaining appointments and ask them when they intend submitting you to panel - they should have an idea of what is still outstanding and how long it will take. The medical is a pain, but there’s a safeguarding reason for the need to update it. Your DHs will also need updated at the 2 year mark.

I know the recent reporting around adoption has been very off putting for prospective adopters, and it does reflect the reality for some adopters. In my circle which includes a lot of adopters, there’s one who is experiencing significant difficulties, the rest are all living their lives with their kids. I adopted a sibling pair aged 4 and 6 when I was 46. They’ve both had their moments but life is good, they’re both teenagers now and doing well - I wouldn’t be without them. Early placement was very, very hard for me but really it was because of the level of adjustment I needed to make more that their needs as such.

Of course remaining child free is an option for you, in many ways it’s easier because you keep the status quo practically but have the grief to work through. I can’t pretend I don’t have days where I think life would have been much easier if we had stopped the process, but my kids are fantastic people and my life would be so much poorer without them. While the approval process took 4 years, we were matched and had our children placed within 9 months of approval - including a 2 month break following a bereavement.

We almost decided not to continue after being assessed for one little one but they went with another couple. We decided to carry on and literally a week later were approached about the LO who is the reason I’m up & on mumsnet at this time of night!

The process in itself is exhausting , we took just under 2 years to get to panel , there is so much emotion invested in it and so many potential futures. It’s really hard.

rightly so given the end game of course but you get all the emotionally brutal stuff with no guarantee of a child at the end of it.

totally understand why you feel as you do!!

we're having a tricky time at the moment as he’s finding life pretty tough right now and tonight that’s being expressed as a refusal to sleep

would life be easier and more comfortable & less demanding without him - Absolutely . I am furious with him right now but have to push that down as any hint of criticism will send his shield of shame up so fast I literally won’t know what’s hit me & then we’ll have an explosive hour or two…

so on I go giving him hugs, rubbing his back, telling sleepy jokes and stories to try & help him turn off!

Well tbh, right now my DW is doing that as we’ve learnt the art of tag teaming and I’m writing this sat on the loo just for a beak!!

would I have it any other way and miss his face lighting up when he sees me and the hugs that will follow and the sheer determination he show’s when trying to master a new trick with a football or the joy when he runs into the sea fully dressed 🤣 100% no, he’s the greatest strongest little person I’ve ever met and even at this time of night when I’m running on empty I love him

we fought for this life and it’s harder than I could ever have imagined but it’s 100% worth it ! And oh we are having great post adoption support so it does exsist!!

sorry it’s a bit rambly - you’ve had good advice above for practical tips & I hope it helps!