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Original poster

Wedding Drama

6 replies

booklovinglaura · 15/01/2026 08:13

Hi everyone, first time posting!

So, we started the adoption process in April 2024. In June 2024 SIL got engaged and her and her partner said there will be no children at the wedding taking place in June 2026 only her partner's nephew who was 1 at the time and our little one if we had a child by then. Fast forward Jan 2025 and I was rudely told by text from SIL that they no longer wanted any children at the wedding even immediate family. They told the other mother that it was because a childs place is £250 a head and they would rather have a friend attend the wedding than their nephew/niece. I was outraged. My husband was useless and would say anything, he hates confrontation and standing up for himself. I bought the subject up with the in laws and they won't have an opinion on it either. It's not been mentioned since. We now have our DS and he's been with us since Sept 2025. I am expecting the invitation to arrive soon and don't know what to do. I am not leaving him for the whole day and evening. My principles are saying not to go at all, he was invited and then uninvited without any explanation to us and I feel that if my son is not welcome then I don't go. My husband won't say anything at all. I obviously understand it's their wedding they can do as they please. But I feel family children is different there are only 2 of them and surely they would want them at their special day. Not sure what to do. Sorry for the long post x

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 15/01/2026 09:24

Do you have childcare for the day? My issue would have been that my children would not have had anyone prepared to look after them for that long. They were both very challenging behaviour wise and I just didn't have that kind of support. And they wouldn't have coped with me being away for the day so early in placement.

I do think the couple can have child free if they want. But it is much trickier with an adopted child to leave them. I personally would explain this and not go but have dh go.

LeoLeo2 · 15/01/2026 10:29

I wonder if this is making you feel that your child isn't being accepted into the family in some way? Whether it feels almost like a rejection of them or your new family unit?

I can understand that, particularly when your family is still so 'new'.

If that's the case, you need to separate those feelings from this situation because I think it is now pretty common to have a completely child free wedding. I don't understand that view personally, but it does seem to be growing in popularity and I think if a couple prefer not to have children there then it doesn't matter whether they are family or not.

So, you need to accept, it's not your wedding and therefore not your choice over whether your child attends.

Save your battles with in laws for things you may be able to change - maybe further down the line when you may need them to get their heads around why you need to parent differently (and they need to Aunt/Uncle/Grandparent differently).

My children, at any age, would have struggled with me leaving them for a whole day - but June is a long way off still and your situation may change.

My children also wouldn't have coped with the behaviour expectations, unknown people, number of people, photos, speeches etc at a wedding

Perhaps, right now, you could make the decision that your husband will definitely attend the entire event. That is a clear and safe (as in highly unlikely to have to change) decision to make and may settle your mind a bit and give clarity to the bride and groom for initial numbers.

Maybe you could also state that, by June, you may also be able to attend either just the ceremony or the evening celebration. By June, your child might be able to manage being looked after for a few hours by someone on your side of the family - and you may welcome a couple of child free hours out with your husband.

Whatever happens by June, I would really caution against adding extra stress and strain on wider family relationships for the sake of one day that in 2 years time you will barely remember (but they will forever hold a grudge over).

You will have many amazing family events over the years which you will be able to fully enjoy as a complete family unit, whether just the three of you or with extended family and friends.

Original poster
booklovinglaura · 15/01/2026 10:52

Arran2024 · 15/01/2026 09:24

Do you have childcare for the day? My issue would have been that my children would not have had anyone prepared to look after them for that long. They were both very challenging behaviour wise and I just didn't have that kind of support. And they wouldn't have coped with me being away for the day so early in placement.

I do think the couple can have child free if they want. But it is much trickier with an adopted child to leave them. I personally would explain this and not go but have dh go.

Thank you, my parents could have DS for a few hours. And he honestly doesn't mind being left. I think I having issue with the whole inviting and then uninviting thing and because they would rather friends than family be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
booklovinglaura · 15/01/2026 10:59

LeoLeo2 · 15/01/2026 10:29

I wonder if this is making you feel that your child isn't being accepted into the family in some way? Whether it feels almost like a rejection of them or your new family unit?

I can understand that, particularly when your family is still so 'new'.

If that's the case, you need to separate those feelings from this situation because I think it is now pretty common to have a completely child free wedding. I don't understand that view personally, but it does seem to be growing in popularity and I think if a couple prefer not to have children there then it doesn't matter whether they are family or not.

So, you need to accept, it's not your wedding and therefore not your choice over whether your child attends.

Save your battles with in laws for things you may be able to change - maybe further down the line when you may need them to get their heads around why you need to parent differently (and they need to Aunt/Uncle/Grandparent differently).

My children, at any age, would have struggled with me leaving them for a whole day - but June is a long way off still and your situation may change.

My children also wouldn't have coped with the behaviour expectations, unknown people, number of people, photos, speeches etc at a wedding

Perhaps, right now, you could make the decision that your husband will definitely attend the entire event. That is a clear and safe (as in highly unlikely to have to change) decision to make and may settle your mind a bit and give clarity to the bride and groom for initial numbers.

Maybe you could also state that, by June, you may also be able to attend either just the ceremony or the evening celebration. By June, your child might be able to manage being looked after for a few hours by someone on your side of the family - and you may welcome a couple of child free hours out with your husband.

Whatever happens by June, I would really caution against adding extra stress and strain on wider family relationships for the sake of one day that in 2 years time you will barely remember (but they will forever hold a grudge over).

You will have many amazing family events over the years which you will be able to fully enjoy as a complete family unit, whether just the three of you or with extended family and friends.

I think I'm struggling because the in laws and SIL have not been overly helpful or excited about our adoption up until the point DS came home.

I totally accept child free weddings and have been to them myself. But I don't understand the whole inviting and then uninviting them by text with no proper explanation. And if it is because they would rather have their friends there than I think it shocking.

I think partly that we wanted this for so long and this is the first family event and we would have loved to have been there as a family of 3. I totally accept it their wedding and I have no say. The amount of drama I had when organising my wedding because of my MIL.

I think your right and to pick my battles. For now my husband will be there for the whole day.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Lilali · 15/01/2026 16:07

Congratulations on your DS. I would just stay home with him and let your husband go. No drama, no recriminations just let them get on with it.

You can then keep the peace for the future and avoid getting sucked into the drama.

It’s probably not about wanting a friend instead of family, it’s more likely that that the bride/groom wants the focus to be on them. Just let them.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/01/2026 12:11

I think it’s so difficult when you’ve wanted to attend family events with your own child as a family, and that opportunity is denied you. It’s a very visceral response for adoptees who may have waited many years, and there’s also the sense of your child being fully accepted into the family.

I also can understand the practicality of not wanting to spend so much on a place for a child when they will have had to tailor their invites and exclude friends due to cost. The idea of a wedding as a family celebration sometimes gets lost.

I think you’re right to plan for DH to go, and you can decide nearer the time, but I get why you’re disappointed.

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