Explaining siblings

[EG88]

LO is 7. He has been with me since birth but had an extremely challenging EP experience which he remembers as he was still attending stressful contact sessions at 4. He is a deep thinker, quite a sensative chap and the absolute centre of my universe! He knows his story well, including the fact that he has 5 birth siblings all of whom were adopted by seperate families. He has never met his siblings & though I attempted to establish contact I have not been successful due to their individual complex stories. Tonight at bedtime we were having a chat & he said something about, "If I had a brother ..." and then his voice cracked and he said he had a lump in his throat and could he have a cuddle. Further chat established that he had been wishing for a big brother to do lego with.

My main question is, how do I guard drom/support with the "fantasty" of an older brother when he is to little for me to explain the reality which is that his brothers were not removed at birth as he was and so now have very complex & challenging lives as a result of their early years experiences.

I want to honour the fact that this is an absolutely valid feeling but I also want to protect him from yearning for a version of a sibling that doesn't really exist.

I hope this makes sense! Thanks x

Hi. I think all you can do is honestly explain the situation but without putting the siblings into a negative category - it sounds like you disapprove of the siblings but in my experience, our kids don't care about any of that, they just want to see them if that's how they feel.

I have two adopted children, both adults now. One has always been obsessed with birth family while the other couldnt care less. We got life story work for the more obsessed one, but nothing changed her yearning for these people (birth mum and two half sisters). At 18 we reunited with the half sisters. Both are nice, safe people with jobs, partners who have come through a lot. We did letterbox contact with the half sisters right from the beginning so there was no huge surprise when we met. It was all very exciting at first but now things have settled, they have little ongoing contact.

Imo you can't protect them longer term. They can easily reconnect at 18 if not before on social media, so might as well be honest and open.

I would discuss his story and siblings with him in more detail. He might have matured a bit and might have new questions or a better understanding. You say he can remember the challenging contact, so you could build on that and explain that things were even more difficult for his siblings.

@Arran2024 Im not sure what I said to make is sound like I disaprove.

I most definitely do not disaprove of his siblings or of a relationship with them. I have done everything I can to establish contact via their families including quarterly phone calls with their adoptive parents where we catch up. Currently the other parents are not looking to establish any sibling contact but are happy with patent phone calls.

My LO knows absolutely everything there is to know. What I seek to guard against is the invention of characters/personalities for siblings he has not met. I was hoping to find someone who had walked through a similar experience.

@onlytherain thank you, yes a link with something he understands has experienced is useful.

Hi @EG88 we’re in a similar position with ds 7. He really wants a sibling . He knows he has 3 biological siblings.

But this seems very separate to his desire for a sibling to play with here & now.

I don’t have much advice but offer solidarity it’s hard, we’re doing the best we can to acknowledge and be open about the realities.

But also accepting & empathising over his desire for another little person to spend time with.

Often after having a friend over to play he’ll list reasons why it’s good not to have a sibling!! These are easier conversations to navigate!! 🙈

I think whatever narrative we hope for them they will have their internal one regardless and my hope is by being open & accepting & supportive that in the future they can turn to us to get them through the tough times when life doesn’t match that internal narrative. It’s just hard to process that when they’re so small.

sorry for not having more wisdom to offer but hope it helps knowing you’re not alone!!

There are possibly two emotional needs here. He doesn't want to be an only child, and he might want to know and spend time with his birth siblings. I would tackle those separately.

Lots of only children wish for siblings. I would tell him that and acknowledge his sadness but also explain that the reality of siblings is different from the fantasy.

Does he know that you have tried to establish contact? You could explain that contact brings up big feelings and his siblings' parents want to protect their children and therefore don't want it. I would emphasise that this has nothing to do with him or anything he has done, it is a decision adults made who don't even know him. I would again acknowledge his sadness about it.

Thank you @Seahorsesplendour this was extremely helpful to read through. Particularly the observation that he is aching for a sibling to build Lego with in the here and now rather than that he is constantly wondering about and deeply missing biological siblings. Further conversation confirmed this. He was very exact in the qualities of this sibling and I think it is an age appropriate ache as an only child. Your reflection that this is a life verses internal narrative learning moment is really helpful & a good moment for me to remember I can't shield him from such things ... as much as I want to. I appreciate your input. Thank you.

@onlytherain Thank you for taking time to respond. Yes, he knows I speak with sibling parents and has seen pictures on them. On reflection and through further conversation this is a desire for an older sibling playmate rather than a feeling specific to biological siblings. I know this could change & as you say, validation of all emotions will be at the forefront of conversation.
Thanks.

@EG88 You’re more than welcome & I’m glad it was helpful 💐