Can you ever get over teenage behaviour?

[SURREYmum2025]

Morning all and Happy New Year for tomorrow!

Im posting this on behalf of a very good friend of mine. She and I have known each other for over 30 years. She is one of 4 children. The youngest is adopted and she very much views him as her real brother. However in his teenage years he really rebelled. He sought out his birth family against the advice of the social worker and police. Unfortunately there was a very good reason he was adopted (I am not gonna get into this now). But him seeking them out-resulted in him doing prison time and assaulting both his mum and his older sister (adopted ones). They stood by him
But I can see the trauma it caused and is still affecting them. They literally bristle when he slightly raises his voice and flinch if he goes near them. Its actually really sad to see. Anyway he sorted himself out with the help of the family and as a mature student went to university and despite his convictions he now has a good job. Think 6 figures. Lives with a nice girlfriend of over 10 years and has 2 children . Anyway his GF has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Its super aggressive and she's been told to basically sort out all her life admin ASAP. He has fallen apart. The GF has no family here to support.

My friend is trying best she can but she also works full time and has her own family as do I. But his parents who are now both retired have gone MIA. My friend thinks it because of what happened when he was a teen. So my question is for anyone who has been through a similar experience is the parents reaction normal?

My friend is beside herself. She basically spent all yesterday trying to sort out stuff legally for them but as theyre not married its super complicated.

Its awful.

Due to the urgency, get a solicitor involved to plot best course of action, ie quick marraige, will, POA etc

Thanks for responding. What is a POA?

Yes, totally normal. Sorry. There is only so much shit a human being can take before they withdraw for their own health and sanity. Voice of experience here. After 17 years, my AD1 turned 18 at Christmas. I’m not sure that I will keep any contact going. I simply don’t want to. She has broken my physical and mental health. I would never recommend 21 hours in a police cell after being arrested on a false allegation. I had a mental milestone of 18. I’ve reached that and now I’m done.

It can be, even with birth children who go astray. If you read the main boards here you’ll see lots of advice to cut off 16, 17, 18 year olds whose behaviour goes off track.

Violence from children to siblings and parents is no less traumatic than any other kids of violence and if he ended up in prison that suggests a very high level of violence.

While it’s great that he has turned things around, it doesn’t lessen the trauma his family experienced, as you can see in your friends flinching response. That takes some significant, skilled therapy to overcome and even though someone might recover from the impact of trauma, they’re entitled to end contact with someone who has caused them harm. You can have all the understanding in the world of how and why it happened and still not want to continue a relationship with the person who hurt you.

Yhe easiest way to sort the immediate legal stuff would be for them to get married and put a Power of Attorney in place. Your friend could help with that but I’d also be supporting her to only do as much as she wants to and can managed. Her sibling is an adult now and while he clearly needs support, she doesn’t need to be the one carrying it all.

Thank you that's really interesting. I will speak to her about the PoA and getting married. But its up to him
I totally see your perspectives.

Thanks for the responses.