Unyielding courage and unconditional love.

[fiskamelo]

The connection between both and in context of adoption is from where most/all conflict arises. Everyone wants to be seen as a whole person. And loved for who we are. Unconditional love is the very means to achieve that bond. Expectations of insecure adopters often leave adoptees unseen,unheard and conflicted. All the while w an unfortunate effect that can skew future relationships and the very definition of love. Why is there a general expectation that adoptees are expected to understand insecure adopters while insecure adopters lack the courage to see adoptees as a whole person? Thoughts...

Is there such a general expectation ?

Personally as an adopter Im very secure in my role and don't really recognise what you are saying

I'm struggling to understand too.

It reads as if you are perhaps making a generalisation out of one specific persons experience.

What is making you think what you wrote?

I don’t understand either, I love my children unconditionally they don’t owe me anything in return. I don’t expect them to see any struggles I might have and certainly don’t expect them to look after my feelings beyond the usual courtesy we all deserve.

My children absolutely are whole people, for better and worse. I don’t get what you’re saying, can you explain further?

Adoptees are the ones most likely to have an insecure attachment style due to the experience with birth mother, going into foster care, leaving foster care.

Adopters are heavily vetted and they look for securely attached people as part of the process.

No system is perfect of course. But I have one anxious and one avoidant adopted children, now both adults. I have been able to use my secure attachment to help them.

I also don’t recognise that and absolutely accept my ds as a whole person and love him unconditionally. It’s what gets me through the really challenging days, and as a family some days it takes unyielding courage from all of us just to get out of bed and face the day.

he is a child and is not responsible for my well being or security ( but we are responsible for his & for setting positive examples of self love, self care, respecting others, showing unconditional love in many ways etc)

we do that whilst trying to overlay the trauma & the “I’m not good enough” messages that some days feel like they are stamped in his very DNA , that along side a multitude of other issues make him feel some days like it’s him against the universe.

our biggest hope is that the knowledge that we will always love & accept him unconditionally & have his back is enough.

Everybody’s experience is unique and complex, mostly adopters are just doing their best, sometimes against enormous odds.

We won’t always get it right because no one can

I’m sorry if you’re struggling 💐

edited for spelling

All the adopters I know are THE most courageous people who offer their children unconditional love. All the adoptive children, young people and adults are among society’s bravest and most courageous people who, day in and day out, battle their ACEs. Some adopted children, due to reactive attachment disorder, for example, are unable to ‘love’ their new family in a traditionally understood way. I would classify my AD1(18 next week) among their numbers. In her head, she ‘loves’ me and her sister but this is not always (ever) reflected in her behaviours. AD1 feels safe with us, we are better the devil, and she can rely on me to provide three square meals on the table at set times and sort out her life messes. This is what love means to AD1. She can’t give any more than that. The longer I spend in the adoption game, the more I realise that ‘love’ is actually a pretty nebulous concept. Sometimes, it’s just okay to show up for that person, knowing that no one else will.

It sounds like you’re struggling OP; are you okay? This is such a tricky time of year for adoptive families.

Unyielding courage and unconditional love - The connection between both and in context of adoption is from where most/all conflict arises. -
Can you explain what you mean by this? In our house most conflict arises from a combination of ADHD, depression and trauma and the effects of those.

I struggle with the term "unconditional love". While many adopters would say they love their children unconditionally - eg. in the sense that they love them despite frequent aggression or even violence -, the adoptees in these high conflict relationships probably don't feel unconditionally loved.

I also struggle with "being loved for who you are". If someone is frequently aggressive and violent, is the expectation to also love this aspect of them? Wouldn't that be unhealthy and unsafe?

To me feeling "unseen, unheard and conflicted" often seems to be the result of maladaptive behaviours caused by trauma and the response these behaviours generate.

I struggle with this vocabulary. I think it creates expectations that don't work in the real world.