First letterbox contact

[WittyPearlSwan]

We have had our first letterbox reply, we have decided the letters from BF will be put in the memory box, but there are photos of siblings and a Christmas card from "all your birthday family". Im leaning towards giving DS the card and photos (saying the adoption agency sent them through) but am I opening up a can of worms? As DS often asks when can we see them and I've said I don't know where they live but at 18 we can find them.

Adoptee here.

So, there are letters, a Christmas card, and photos (just to be clear)?

How old is your DC and how long did he live with them, if at all? Where I am going with this is would he have active memories of that time or is it more that he simply knows he is adopted and the idea of seeing them is interesting on a more theoretical basis? (Maybe he's even old enough to feel like it's polite/somehow expected for him to ask this question.)

Are the people writing to him a danger in any way?

I'm not sure what to make of 'birthday family' but this might be a term people are encouraged to use today.

If the card just says lots of love from 'birthday family' I'd share that.

Not sure about the photos - have you agreed to send any to them?

Contact letters are tricky and emotional. We've just had our second and I'm trying to find the right moment to share it with DS9.

Age for me is a key factor here. DS is too old now not to share. And as PP said he has memories of them. How old is your DS?

My DS has been more vocal this Christmas about missing them and wanting to be with them. I have also told him that I will help him find them when he's old enough to be ready/manage it.

Can of worms - children are adopted for good reasons. You need to focus on building your relationship with your child.

Auto correct sorry, it should have read "from all your birth family".

DS is 5. He was with birth family until he was 8 months, so I'd say it's not active memory but more wanting to know about siblings because that's what all of his friends are talking about. He has a photo book of all birth family and foster family that he picks up now and again. Bit it's very much passing interest.

I haven't promised to share photos, to be honest I didn't expect birth mum to write back. The letters are lovely and it will be great to share when he's older. Unfortunately birth family do pose a significant risk.

It's all very tricky. And the time of year is tough.

Given everything you have said, and his age, in your shoes I would give the photos now. Then put both the letter and the card to one side/in the memory box for later.

The photos will be of more interest and meaning now than the letter and card. The photos are also a continuation of what he already has in his book. Hopefully they will prove less disruptive to share. It is also good for your relationship to establish that you share what is appropriate when things happen. Holding everything back to later can make them wonder if there are things we have never shared. (Of course they may think/wonder that anyway). I hope it goes well. It is extra tricky at Christmas.

Agree with Little Bear, just share the photos and maybe add them to the book.

Really weird situation when the child was with them for such a short period of time. I never quite grasp what the letterbox contact is meant to achieve when a child was removed as an infant. The birth famuly is not his "future" - it is part of knowing where he came from. But dont feel under pressure to frame it as these letters are nice for now until you can see them again.

There are two weeks until Christmas. He probably has lots of changes and surprises in school, which will be difficult for him to manage. I would not add to that by giving him anything from the birth family. I would tell him about the contents of the letter and show him the card and photos sometime in the New Year.

Letter box makes the birth parents feel better about things, for a child with no memories, all it can achieve is confusion and become a source for fantasies. Assuming your child was saved from a neglectful, abusive or dangerous environment (the vast majority of adopted children are), then what positives can there possibly be? You should focus on building an unbreakable bond between you and your child, not building up the status of a stranger.

It's beneficial for a child to have information and where safely possible contact with their family or orgin. Not all children are adopted because all family members unsafe. It's unfair to keep them from knowing siblings for example.

Thanks all. In the end we added the updated photos to his life story book which he has access to, he noticed, positive comment and that was that.

Sadly birth family do pose a risk, I wish we could have more contact, especially with siblings.

Not all children are taken because of bad parenting, some have been taken due to no support for an Autistic child!
Do your research, it's becoming a big problem with social services.

Birth Family are not your friends, and they do not have your childs best interests at heart - they will have a rose tinted view of their brief time with your child, and will want to make the case that whatever happened was not their fault. Dont feel sorry for them, they either abused or neglected your child, or posed an imminent threat through drug or alcohol use - but they will present as being perfectly reasonable because they are well rehearsed in 'working the system' - until that is they dont get what they want and then the gloves will come off.

They do and will pose a threat to your child and the unity of your family, and at some point in the future (thanks to social media will either initiate contact with your child or will respond to your childs curiosity in them). They will not behave reasonably (in any way that you will count as reasonable any way) - your family values will not be compatible in any way with theirs and they will expect to co-parent your child once you have finished baby-sitting for 16 years.

They will probably bide their time, making contact with your child at 16 or just before because they will already know that the authorities will only act to protect a minor. Police will not intervene, even though they will be effectively grooming your child, and social services are both powerless and ineffective.

When they do make contact, they will love-bomb your child using the combined force of their (probably very large family) from aunties, cousins, and siblings throughout the day and late at night (because they probably dont work / attend school) with a flood of sm messages at your childs lowest point (perhaps when you have fallen out, or they have fallen out with their friends, and when your child is seeking validation from somewhere else) this will confuse your child, reignite painful memories, or manufacture false memories that paint them in the best possible light as fellow victims of SWs and the police.

Adoption is not financially rewarded, and if your family will be considered an adoption success by social services, the adoption service where your child came from will not help or advise (because they are overworked and do not want to count yours as a family in crisis when they have already counted it as a success). Your local authority adoption service will not assist because they dont want to add your case as a failure when they didnt play a part in the original placement and spoil their stats either.

Just work on your bond with your child, dont let bf become some romanticised mystery, respond only when your child shows interest, and respond only with facts, constantly reinforce that they let your child down and that even though it's sad that it happened it means that you are all together. If you get SWs involved that will only devalue you as parents, if you promote bf, then you further dilute yourselves as parents. 'normal' children have no concept of any this - perhaps the closest analogy is where parents have split up and found new partners and each is seeking to undermine the other.

Adoption becomes more and more complicated, so build lots of memories while your child is young and give them experiences that make them completely incompatible with their bf, because they (bf) will present themselves in a very alluring light with sm posts on facebook, instagram etc that you (no doubt) have been advised to stay clear of for your childs safety.

Good luck

Gosh! Are you wearing a tin-foil hat? Or a MAGA cap? Either way, you sound really paranoid. Being so negative about a child’s origins is bound to have repercussions. Are you the vicar/c/Church person? If so, I’m slightly worried for the wellbeing of your congregation. Also, where is your compassion? It must be so difficult to live in a state of extreme paranoia where you believe that the birth family are out to get you. Or your adopted child. It’s well known that many adoptees will seek out their birth families in their teen years. This is their right. Your post just reads to be like Harry Potter’s uncle dealing up the letterbox and doorways at Number 4 Privet Drive in the hope of avoiding the letters from Hogwarts. If the children are going to be curious enough to seek out their birth families, then far better they do this in a supported way. We do not own our adopted children. What do you have to fear so much?

Such negative postings on this thread. I just wanted to offer a different perspective as an experienced adopter of two, whose second child has ongoing and very positive direct contact with a birth parent. I think some of the posts here are from historic adopters? Adoption has moved on apace. I really don’t know why people have axes to grind. I’d contact works for you, including letterbox and photos, then embrace it. If it doesn’t, then don’t. Very many parents who have their children removed are done of society’s most vulnerable people. Just to example, my AD2 was removed at birth because a previous sibling died at 10 weeks because of non-accidental injuries. After two fact- finding hearings, birth father was found responsible for the injuries. Birth mum’s ‘crime’ was - due to generations of dysfunction and neglect - to choose a poor partner. She was found to have no culpability. AD2 loves her and we have regular and direct contact, such as bowling or the cinema. I’m 17.5 years in now so I feel like I’ve been round the adoption block a bit. My AD2 has healthy self-esteem, she loves her birth mum but she recognises her vulnerabilities and shortcomings. I would far rather facilitate a pleasant, regular and enjoyable meet/up than my AD2 pine for her long-lost birth family and indulge in unsafe behaviours. Birth mum and I have a relationship based on friendliness, kindness and mutual respect. She refers to me as ‘mum’ at all times, never seeks to undermine me, backs me up constantly and is just respectful and appreciative of what I do for her birth daughter.

Thank you. It's so good to hear this perspective. There is such a lot of negativity out there about bf. Although I do not plan on progressing with any more contact than there is already I agree that id rather support what may come in the future than risk the unsafe behaviors. For now we are very neutral about BF, explaining the facts in an age appropriate way. We are ensuring our little man has a strong bonds with us and positive memories of his childhood with us. We are all in it for the right reason and I know it's a tricky road.

Well you made a bunch of assumptions there, no MAGA, no church. Just 2 adopted boys who have been through an awful lot, and a Birth Family that have denied any wrong doing on their part.

In actual fact we met Birth Mum just before we officially adopted our boys, and she seemed lovely. I spoke to the boys SW as I honestly thought this wasn't right. She shared me pictures of two little boys covered in bites and bruises that made my blood run cold. When abusive or and neglectful Birth Parents have done so for a long period of time, they know how to manipulate, and play the system.

Our Eldest son remembers everything (he had night terrors EVERY night for 6 years) but having contacted BM she and her sisters denied everything and made our eldest son doubt his memories and for a while causing a rift between us and his little brother.

We had to let him read his adoption case notes, and they confirmed his memories. Adoption isn't all lovely and Disney fairy stories.

Children go into adoption because of either severe neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or substance abuse and are at risk of imminent and severe harm. They initially spend a year (maybe longer) in foster care while the authorities try very hard to help Birth Parents (BPs) learn to parent - if there is any hope that BPs will mend their ways, then they will stay in Foster Care with regular provision for contact between the child, siblings and BPs with a view to reuniting them.
Adoption only happens if there is no hope, and the BPs pose a significant ongoing risk. Yes of course there are some cases where BPs are essentially nice, but just cant cope - but those kids will probably remain in Foster Care.

These things aren't covered when you attend your Adoption training, and things get complicated 10 or so years later, you will feel completely unprepared for it and bewildered at how quickly things can come apart.

If you are doing your first letterbox, please consider very carefully what you share, and be very careful with photographs.