Hacker by Malorie Blackman

[Hillsmakeyoustrong]

Hi all. So we have adopted twins (fostered to adopt at 15 months) now age 9 and in year 4.

For some context, we are in a smallish village school and rarely encounter any issues in our largely happy school community. Everyone knows the twins are adopted but obviously not their life story and barring one incident, involving another child, we are treated like any other family which of course we are. Recently, a new teacher to the twins, has started teaching PSHE and there was some clumsy communication around adoption which upset my usually resilient daughter. I obviously addressed it immediately and the school head was great, and proposed some changes which satisfied me, primarily, that we would be given the heads up if adoption was likely to be mentioned in class so we could prepare the kids. Great.

So today I get pulled aside by their main teacher to say they are studying a text where the main character is adopted and it's a bit insensitive/outdated so he is withholding some parts and not using some of the outdated terminology. Great, thank goodness he has some emotional intelligence and has let me know (even if it's after the event) and I can now order my own copy. However, the twins then say that the new teacher is also reading this book to them and that she is not withholding or amending any elements but reading it verbatim and that they have at times felt uncomfortable with the use of "real" to describe the biological parent.

I don't know what to do. Given the last incident was less than 3 weeks ago I cant quite fathom that I'm having to address the same issue with the same member of staff. I can't believe, in this day and age where political correctness is so vigilantly upheld, that such an offensive text remains on the syllabus even!

I'm open to all suggestions about how to proceed. I will be contacting our regional adoption service on Monday and maybe even our MP. I will let DH deal with the school this time as I will blow a gasket.

What would you do?.

Have you read the book?

The book is for young adults
very peculiar to be studied by 9 year olds

No as I only learned about it today. They have only just started reading it this week as their reading comprehension text.

At 9?! Very weird

anyway, maybe read it first before you go gung ho about it

I will read it this weekend. However, my kids have told me quite enough and the teacher was also honest about the fact that there are some inappropriate parts hence why he has modified those parts when reading it out loud. The kids are 8 and 9, it's year 4.

That’s very young for this book

but yes… read over the weekend and then make a call on next steps

OK good to know, thanks.

Read it first, see the context in which terms are being used. It may well be of its time - which is a good opportunity for you to think about how you help your kids understand that different people have different views of adoption. Getting her up about terminology won’t change the fact that some people still use words like “real”.

Id also say that I’m repeatedly talking to my DDs school - I feel like I’m doing their thinking for them. The best way to deal with things is factually, calmly and clearly - blowing a gasket helps no one and leaves you feeling out of sorts. Pick your battles and fight them well.,

I don’t know what to do

Definitely read the book first! I think you will be surprised that such young kids are studying this but also realise that it’s a great book and whilst there are refs to biological parents - it’s really does address adoption sensitively and in fact very positively

Thanks to everyone for their input. You are all absolutely right about not blowing a gasket. I was very factual and calm last time I approached them but have felt super fed up that we are having to think for them yet again and so soon. I'm thinking it may be a more regular event as the kids get older 🙄and yes reframing it as an opportunity to talk about others viewpoints with the kids is a challenge I need to accept. I think I worry their peer group will pick up this language and start repeating it to them, DD will just roll her eyes but DS will either cry or punch them in the face, cue, more drama.

I very very much doubt that once you have actually read the book, you will be remotely agitated enough to speak to the school.

and loads of children now have step parents, so the term “biological” parent really is
no biggie

I think for you it might help to get used to the idea that you’ll be “doing their thinking for them” for quite some time. It’s ridiculous but schools are so poorly informed about adoption and associated issues, and simply don’t think ahead - or try to think ahead and get it completely wrong - so you’ll spend a lot of time explaining again and again. I spent from August to December every year explaining stuff to the new class teacher - there never seemed to be a handover from one year to the next and I’d often have to frame it as “DD has X issue, which means Y and Z are really hard for her to cope with” and then back again, and again.

It’s a pain in the arse but if you mentally plan for it you’ll find ways of managing. The energy spent raging internally about it gets you nowhere.

But that seems less about adoption and more about your daughter having needs that the school simply aren’t meeting?

My daughter’s needs are directly relating to her adoption. She’s in specialist provision and they say they have a good understanding of adoption and developmental trauma, but that doesn’t translate into practice in many ways.

My issue is with the bio parents being described as the "real" parent. I have no issue with the use of birth or bio. I also don't like how the main character about bwing adopted and is told that her parents didn't want her. My kids don't want to hear that being said in front of their peer group. I also worry it might give some of the boys ammunition towards my son who already struggles with being adopted.

Yes I'm starting to slowly and reluctantly understand this. I did wonder if it would get more complicated as they got older. They both have additional needs which are supported through meds, physio input and private tutoring twice a week and this has been enough to be getting on with.

What makes me rage internally (and yes you're right it doesn't get me anywhere) is that they are clearly very ill informed around one of the most vulnerable cohorts in their care and seemingly don't grasp the emotional (or other) consequences of their complacent behaviour.

Have you read it yet? Or is this what you have heard about it?

I don’t understand why the entire class is so acutely aware that your children are adopted?

No I haven't read it yet, I only ordered it Friday night as I only found out on Friday night. I'm going on what the teacher and my kids have told me.

They are aware, they aren't "acutely" aware whatever that means but my son feels acutely aware of it when it's a topic of conversation in his class. Which is his right and it is my right to help him navigate that.

Thanks all. Over and out.

Why is the entire class aware that you children are adopted?
Yes read the book in question first , then decide on plan of action (may not even need one!)

did your children tell you that they wanted their entire class told they were adopted?

My children told their class they were adopted.

I’m surprised they were the only ones

added to which, a good few will likely have step parents, perhaps have no contact from an absent “biological” parent but regard their step father / step mother as their parent.

What I’m trying to say is… I very much doubt that this is the issue you think it is amongst this class of kids.

its a bloody good book though and I think that once you’ve read it - you’ll see that actually the depiction of adoption is really very positive and eye aside the rather clumsy terminology on occasion

"Im surprised they were the only ones"

It's a small village school so yes they are the only ones who are adopted. Other adopted children have attended the school over the years but they are the only ones at the moment.

We will see. Do you have adopted kids @Considerlentils ? Not a goady question, genuinely curious. It's just I believe words have tremendous power even if the terminology is occasional...

I'm not going to comment further till I've read the book in full.

My sister does, so my precious nieces.