Is adoption right for us?

[Undercovermole]

My husband and I have a biological daughter who is 5. We tried for a 2nd but it just didn’t work out for us. I have come to terms with this but we both still feel like we have something to give. We have discussed adoption and are debating at the moment whether it is the right step for our family. We are financially stable and know that we could provide a child with a good home.
I suppose my question is should we? Every time I look online it is full of horror stories of why you shouldn’t, people saying you need to do it for the right reasons (no one agrees what they are) or adoptees saying adoption is wrong.
So I am after any experienced good or bad from adoptive parents or children.
I want to make sure that we make the right decision for our family but also for any future child.

Most children available for adoption are very very broken children and the support just isn't there to help them settle into a family or normal life. I just wouldn't risk what you already have for such a risk to your sanity and peaceful life at home.

@MrsJamin
I really don't like the term 'broken'

My son was and is not broken. At 21 he is doing really well. I did not fix a broken child. We worked hard with what we had and caught some lucky breaks with schools and therapy.

@Undercovermole Adoption is a risk. You may have seen the news reports on the BBC and the thread here today. That is the extreme end of the adoption scale. That is not to minimise the experiences of those families which has been truly horrendous and utterly disgraceful.
I adopted my son age 8, he was at special school and has ASD. We have had our struggles but today he is in his final year at uni, has been accepted onto an MSc. He owns a car and has worked since he was 16. We are an adoption success story.
I know many families like us. I also know many families who have had varying degrees of difficulty.
The problem is you never know where you will end up on this scale.
Personally I would not adopt with a birth child so young.
But do your research, trauma, ASD, ADHD, FASD, developmental delay to start with.

My children aren’t, and never were broken. Yes they’ve been harmed by their experiences but they aren’t damaged or broken.

@Undercovermole adoption isn’t for everyone, it’s not giving a home to a wee soul, it’s committing to love and support that child through thick and thin - as far as possible. Yes there are absolutely heartbreaking stories, there are also real success stories and there are things you can do to help tip the balance, but there’s no certainty.

Id start by thinking about what’s bringing you to adoption and what your hopes are. Then do some reading on trauma in children and see what you think.

Honestly? I wouldn’t recommend adoption to anyone who already has a child, whether the child is a birth child or adopted.

I am an adoptive parent to a wonderful child but I was sold a lie. I was told that support would be available whenever we needed it but this just isn’t true, my child has had absolutely nothing and schools, children’s services and other agencies just don’t care once the adoption order is in place.

I was approached to adopt again (birth sibling) and said no because the risks to my child were far too great and I have to prioritise them. As an adult, you can research and make an informed decision, no sibling to a vulnerable adopted child has that choice.

It would also be wise to consider the potential ongoing face to face contact with the adopted child’s birth family and the impact of this on your birth child as well as your adopted child.

Thank you everyone for responding. This is just confirmed my fears and I certainly don’t want to do anything that will cause a risk to my daughter and that clearly can’t be guaranteed. I think if we had no children we would be equipped to give a child the dedicated support they need but I realise proceeding would mean a total change for my daughter without her having a say.
I hope your adoption journeys continue to be a success.

@UndercovermoleI’m glad in some ways we’ve been able to help inform your thinking. I’m someone who honestly believes adoption can be a wonderful way of having or completing a family when the time is right and people understand what they are embarking on. Adoptive parents need high levels of resilience, lots of flexibility in their parenting style and a good understanding of child development and trauma. It’s very tough particularly in the early days and teen years, but it’s also amazing in many ways - I wouldn’t swap my two for anything.

There’s no shame in saying “it’s not for us”, better to do that now than find yourself in a situation you really can’t or don’t know how to cope with. Do give yourself time to grieve the possibilities you had opened up in thinking about adoption. I wish you well for whatever comes next.

I have two adopted children, they are wonderful. We've had no major problems...yet. I think at the minute, we are just like any other family with ups and downs etc. However, they are getting closer to puberty now, so who knows what may lie ahead.

You won't hear about the positive experiences much, because many won't post on forums about the positive stuff. I'm glad some post on here though to add a little balance. And also, as with any other family, success comes in many different forms and means different things to different families.

I don't have a birth child, so this is just a personal opinion and not one of experience. I don't think I would adopt, knowing what I know now, if I did have a birth child...I think there is too much risk.

We adopted a three year old when our birth child was nine.

It has not been easy but I would do it again in a heart-beat.

I think it is very personal, and you need to really want to do it.

My personal opinion to what is a good reason to adopt, is because you want another child, you are aware of the potential problems or possible issues but you feel able to provide a stable, loving home to a child.

We adopted when our birth child was 7, it’s been the best thing we could’ve done and made our little family complete

So true, once you have adopted, they wash their hands if you. They have made a successful placement, and it is not in the interests of either social services authority (the child's or yours) to discover things have broken down years later. The box is ticked, they've moved on. Conversely fostering suffers equally but conversely by the high turn over of social workers, who upon taking over a new workload then undermine the placement by becoming a 3rd parent who puts the child's voice above sensible parenting.