Dysregulated at school, but not at home

[greenbeans12]

AD(4) started primary school in September and has been struggling to regulate herself recently. Unfortunately it feels like this goes hand in hand with some of her close friends struggling and multiple incidences where she has been hurt by them - a few weeks ago she was punched in the eye which left a mark on her eyelid, and yesterday she was hit in the head with a spoon which has made her scalp bleed.

From our perspective, we feel she’s dysregulated due to the lack of control and safety in the classroom - but it feels like instead she’s being labelled and not supported properly to overcome this.

She doesn’t show any of these behaviours (from hiding under tables, to running away, being disruptive, unable to sit still and complete an activity) at home or in other clubs, and this wasn’t an issue at nursery.

Other than badgering the school to improve communication and safeguard her by limiting her contact with certain children, I’m not sure what we can do.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice please? I know usually it’s mask at school, dysregulated at home - which makes us think it’s the school environment rather than any needs. Just don’t know what to do other than looking at moving schools? But don’t want to put her through additional change if possible!

Yes, we've been through this. For my child, it didn't come out until about Y1/Y2 but it it then escalated because it wasn't well managed. The bottom line was that school was simply too much with its constant demands to sit like this, read this, write on the line, talk only when appropriate, all while going through a complete sensory overload and generally feeling unsafe. Some teachers were better at helping him manage, others saw him as problem that they didn't have the time or energy to solve. They also struggled with setting the right kind of boundaries with some placing too many sanctions on him and others giving him a free reign which wasn't effective either. The solution for us was a move to a school that meets his needs, once it was clear that between the needs of the child and the limitations of the school, there simply wasn't scope for meeting halfway. This was a long road though, and took until Y4 to get there.

You're right that we hear so much about children masking at school and letting it out at home, that this pattern of only being dysregulated at school gets less airtime, but it isn't uncommon and I, at least, have noticed that it isn't uncommon in adopted children, but may or may not also point to a child having some level of neurodivergence, which is also common in adopted children, so there is a lot to unpick. Having said that, and before diagnosing your child that I haven't met, 4 is very young to be at school particularly when we typically consider our children to present as 'younger', and so dealing with a busy school environment is going to be challenging. Since there are a few of them in your daughter's class behaving in a similar way, and add to that that your child is already being 'labelled', it sounds like the school probably isn't managing this very well.

I could get very carried away at this point and tell you what you could expect over the coming years based on my experience, but you are only a few months in with your little one and a lot could change. So this is what I would go with for right now:

• meeting with the designated teacher for looked after and post-looked after children.
• meeting with the SENDCO
• self-refer to the virtual school and if possible have them attend meetings with you
• in all interactions with the school, remind them that the school environment is causing the behaviour since there is no evidence of this outside of school. Ask them to look out for her triggers and find out what they are doing to support her. E.g. does she need sensory breaks, or closer supervision on the playground? Is sitting still for too long challenging? Are the demands on her too great? Does she need a quieter room to have her lunch in? Are there children she would be better separated from for now?
• Given that your child has been hurt twice and she herself is struggling with regulation, you could reasonably ask for a risk reduction plan. Just make sure that this is written in a way that it actually seeks to avoid risk and isn't just a manual for teachers of how to fire-fight already dysregulated children.
• visit other schools locally and talk to them about how they support similar children. You may realise that a move isn't such a bad idea, or they may make you see that there is more that your current school could do, and so you can take school 2's suggestions back to school 1.
• Consider asking for a part-time timetable on temporary basis, even if it's just until Christmas. This could work if, for example, the problems tend to occur in the afternoon, or in the lunchbreak. You could just make the day shorter for her so she still gets to experience a success day at school, but the day would be much shorter.

I hope some of that helps. Do keep checking in. The primary school years can be very challenging to navigate if your child doesn't fit the mould.

Yes we have been through similar all through primary school and had lots of interventions from the Virtual School,education psychologist, EWEL etc and eventually got an EHCP based on emotional dysregulation. Unfortunately we’re starting all over again with the transition to secondary school.