I’m so confused and really stuggling

[mehname]

We have been in the adoption process for over 2 years now. We have been matched with 14 month old twins.
We started intros/transitions a couple of weeks ago. They have been doing so well - us not so much. Mid way through the 2nd week, we spoke to our sw to say we were struggling and weren’t feeling a connection. Our sw immediately told the LA who paused transitions the following day.

the FCs and the children were sent home and we’re all now in limbo.

Problem is, I don’t know if I even want to be a parent anymore. I worry about DH and I being too old (mid-late 40s). One of the children hit our dog on the head on day one so the dog was wary and unhappy the rest of the time they were here.
I don’t know if we’ve made a huge mistake progressing this far.

DH originally pushed for siblings over our planned 1 child - even when we were doing IVF he’d say “twins would be great”
Now he’s saying he’s not bothered either way and that I need to make the decision whether or not motherhood is something I want and he will support that decision either way. I don’t think that putting such a huge decision solely on me is fair but he won’t budge.

I just feel so lost. I can see that continuing would give us a family unit but I can also see what we’ll be losing - free time, holidays, weekends away, meals out etc. but would doing all of that be filling an empty gap? Have we missed the boat and we’re just too old for this now?
if we don’t proceed, will we regret it. Will one or the other of us feel so alone when we’re old and one of us has died?
I don’t know where my head is. I’ve spoken to friends, family, volunteers at our adoption agency, the support line at Adoption UK, and I’m no closer to sorting out my own mind. I think and think and I edge towards proceeding but then the doubts creep in and I talk myself out of it and vice versa.

I'm not sure what I want from this thread really, I just feel so lost. 😞

I think the panic is normal and it's not easy.i dont think a connection would come until much later?it is really really hard and very much ups and downs,sometimes you are so cross with them(dog hitting) and sometimes you look at them (sleeping peacefully at last) and adore their little face.
Sorry I'm no help but certainly a normal feeling to panic at this stage there's been lots of threads about it before might be worth finding for better advice?
You do still get meals out (pubs with soft play a win) and holidays in time but yes free time is a gonner til they are in nursery/school.

There are some really wise and wonderful posters on this board who I'm sure will be along soon!

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds awful. The panic for me didn't set in until after my children were home, then I realised what a grave error I'd made!! My feelings were all over the place for a couple of years to be honest which included very deep regret, although I do recognise that I wasn't helped by some very complex and frightening legal/birth family stuff and my youngest being diagnosed with a life limiting and debilitating condition.

I now know that it was 100% the right decision for me, and my children. I adore being a mother, and I adore being their mother. It's everything I dreamed of and more, and we are truly very happy. Obviously though, while that is the case for me it will not be the same for everyone. I think one of the benefits of adopting is that it forces you to confront complicated feelings like this, its harder to just go along with the flow.

I'm sorry if that was no use, I suppose just wanted to say something in response xx

First, I agree with the pp's - panic is 100% normal. We're over a year into having our LO home and we're in touch with the group we did training with (there are 4 couples).
Every single one of us had the panic.
I remember the realisation of the freedom we'd be losing hitting me like a train about 2 days before we brought him home and I spent a few hours convinced we were making a mistake.

Also, on bonding - again our group have all experienced our children bonding with one parent a lot more than the other during intros etc.
For us that parent was DH and I was very worried for a while that LO was never going to like me, and I'd never bond enough to love him.
3 weeks after he came home he caught some bug or other and all of a sudden, no one would do except me. He wouldn't take food or cuddles from anyone else and I realised the bond was coming.
A few weeks after that I realised that I loved him. It crept up on me and I don't think I recognised it initially but when I did, it was amazing.

No one here can tell you what to do - but I think you need to be very honest with yourself about the twins first. Without your DHs input, would you have wanted siblings? (My DH did and I went along for a while but in the end I had to say I don't think I'd cope well and it wasn't what I wanted).

Parenthood on the whole is a massive decision and definitely isn't one your DH can put solely on your shoulders, so I think you need to go back to the beginning.

Take your DHs thought out of the equation. What made you want to adopt? (For me it was a need to be a mother really).
That should help you decide if you want to be a parent, and from there you tell your DH and make a plan.

@mehname

I think this is a very difficult place to be in.
Panic, doubts, worries, all absolutely normal. Its a huge deal - no sensible person wouldn't experience some anxieties.

I think as adopters we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to feel the right thing at the right time. You've waited years for this, you got what you wanted, everyone is thrilled for you so why aren't you sailing off into the rosy sunset.
Except this is real life and two living breathing little humans who are going to be dependent on me. Bonds and connections take time and the building of a life together but Post adoption depression is also a real thing.
Only you can answer a lot of the questions you pose, but to address a couple of things.
The dog's nose has been pushed out of joint, in time they would adjust, you would get better at wrangling two babies and keeping them apart when you need to.
I had a cat when I adopted. I remember him sitting on the arm of the sofa glaring at me as if to say what have you done to me. He got over it in a week or so.
Having children is no guarantee against loneliness in old age.
You will still have holidays, meals out, etc, its just a different experience. The free time will come back.

Personally I don't think you are too old - whether you feel too old is another matter.
Your biggest issue here is your husband.
Whatever the decision, you both need to own it. If you go ahead is he going to leave every decision about the children to you, is he going to be fully involved.
I would worry that if I went ahead and my partner was only doing it for me, then will they stay the course when the going gets tough. Its far easier for men to walk away.
On the other hand if you give up the opportunity for motherhood, will you start to resent him? What would that mean for your marriage?
Whatever decision you make will have huge implications for your marriage.
Whatever you decide, your life has already been changed by these children.
I don't envy you the decision you need to make, but you do need to make it together.

Have the SWs given you any time frame?

I’m sorry you’re in this position. Sibling adoption is a whole new kind of hell in the early days. You e gone through a process where you’ve been talking about children in the abstract, and had ideas in your mind about how your family will be, and how you’ll shuffle into motherhood full of love for these children. You’ve heard lovely adoption stories and you want that.

Then you’re faced with two completely dependent children, you’re bloody terrified because at some point you’ll be wholly responsible for them. You’re faced with a living indication of just how much your life will change, all the things you take for granted now that will need careful planning in the future. The kids are living, mobile people with their own personalities that haven’t, yet, been shaped by you. Panic is actually a completely human response, I’m always more concerned by people who sail through and never have that “what the fuck am I thinking” moment.

I adopted two siblings, older than yours. I remember very clearly connecting with my DS almost immediately - he was younger, smaller, had a very easy personality and was so very vulnerable, and it was easy. My DD was slightly older, more vocal than her brother, she was very hard to care for initially and it just took longer to get a sense of her - it seemed like nothing bothered her but she was deeply harmed by her early experiences. I love the bones of her, she’s my mini me - not so mini now at 14. It has taken time and hard work but we’re a family and I’d be lost without them.

Id love to say I adjusted easily to motherhood but that would be a big, fat lie. I struggled with the sheer drudgery of caring for two kids, resented needing to plan even a trip to the doctors, lost my sense of who I was as a mum. I remember a good friend who is also an adopter saying “you’ll feel like you’ve lost your mind for at least the first few months”. She was right, every single thing in my life changed, and I needed to learn on the job.

Remember most parents have 9 months preparing for parenthood, pregnant women slowly but surely adjust their lives to accommodate pregnancy, they bond as they carry their baby and feel it grow. You’ve been handed two terrified toddlers, you can’t pop them in one place and know they’ll stay there while you pee, they already have favourite things and people some of whom they’ll loose. And if they’re anything like mine they need completely different approaches to being parented.

In saying all that, you need to speak to your husband. It’s not ok to leave the decision solely with you. Could he be trying to protect himself in case you say “no”? Not ok but it seems strange to be so keen on two only to then pull back. Now you’ve seen what’s involved, can you have an honest conversation about both of your fears and what you need from each other to go ahead, and how you’ll recover if you don’t.

Things like eating out, holidays etc still happen, they just look different. It’s really lovely now to plan girls weekends with my DD, and to do things I know they’ll love. It’s been hard in many ways - my DH and I separated for a while which I could never have predicted when we started out but we’re now clear about what happened and are reconciling. The years will pass and life will happen one way or another - what do you want for yourself?

Doubts and fears are a normal part of adoption introductions. It all feels so forced and false. As you settle in with each other, and get to know each other, this fades.

I would say however, that it is less common for introductions to be stopped and I think this does mean that either you or the Social workers have more than the average level of concern - and that needs addressing.

Is it because you and your husband want slightly different things? I have twins. In my opinion, they are far harder work in the first few years than general siblings - especially with trauma meaning their relationship with each other can be complex. What were your original reasons for wanting a single child? Do those reasons still make sense or feel right? Is it adoption itself that is scary, or more about twins or siblings?

Is your husband actually much more worried than you - but not able to show it? Does he usually express emotions well? Does he usually leave all decisions to you?

You have to make decisions about going forwards in your life together - whether that is staying childless, parenting one child, parenting siblings of separate ages or parenting twins. The resentment will eat you up otherwise and even without that, it will put you in different places/on different pages and you need to be an efficient and communicative team to be adoptive parents.

Take the time to be honest with yourselves, you will go forwards as a much stronger couple - whether parens or not.

Also, take care of you. I hated introductions; I was scared it was going to be too much for me, I felt like I didn't know them, didn't know how to be a parent and it was all quite overwhelming. That feeling stayed for at least the first few months - but I wouldn't change a thing now. I have the two most amazing children and we are just right for each other!

Trust your gut.
If it doesn’t feel right don’t force it because when it gets REALLY hard (& it will) you will always wonder if it’s because you adopted the ‘wrong’ children.
I suggest taking a pause, reconsider whether siblings is the right direction for you. I’d also recommend having some therapy if you haven’t already and use someone who specialises in adoption and fostering so they understand the nuance.. have them help you through your concerns, doubts and expectations. If you proceed this will help you be prepared and if you choose not to proceed it will help you feel at peace with the decision.
Continue when you feel more sure of what you want.

Do not adopt the children because you’d feel bad for them if you didn’t. That isn’t what they need and it’s not what you need. It’s the local authority’s responsibility to match these children, not yours. Sometimes what looks right on paper turns out to be not quite right; and that’s ok.

I think it does help to look back at your matching time and why you chose these two,think back to how you felt and re read their CPRs, may help.

Panis as others have said is absolutely normal. Whether you need to listen to that panic only you know.

It was nearly 20 years ago when I met DS and I'm not sure what I was expecting - maybe not the love at first sight I kept reading about on the blogs but something at least!

I felt absolutely nothing. I had to grit my teeth and thinkabout why I'd done this bizarre thing - becasue I wanted to nurture, to be a mother to have my own family. I held onto what I wanted my life to look like in 10 years time and I really had done plenty - I'd travelled, I'd had holidays, clubbing, owned my own house - you name it. But I hadn't had anyone's face light up when they saw me at the end of the school day (definitely at 5, not so much at 15). I was still what i wanted - I was just unrealistic about what bonding was going to be like. I'm not sure you really grasp what it's like to be trying to make a lifetime commitment to another human being based on some words on a page and a mere week or two's contact. People would think you were absolutely off your rocker if you did it with an adult.

I felt very responsible for DS as soon I'd made the decision to commit but the bonding took 3-6 months. I'm not sure when it happened but when I realised I couldn't go out without him without feeling like my arm had been cut off.

You aren't tied down by children forever - only when they're small and if you're lucky as they get older you realise that they're some of your favorite people on the planet and you love to go out with them!

But ultimately only you know if say 10 years of frequentling soft play and mini football matches is worth giving up the drinks at the bar and dropping everything for an unplanned weekend away.

I do agree though that your DH needs to be more thoughtful and take 50% of the input into this decision and not fanny around saying "whatever you want dear".