The sandwich generation

[SuperAunt08]

long Story short…we adopted a 5yo almost 6 years ago and it’s been really tough but particularly lately, paired with upcoming puberty, hormones and boundary pushing there’s a lot of trauma based behavioral issues and it’s just bloody hard!

During the adoption process we had to talk about our support network and our parents and friends were all interviewed and they all said they would be supportive etc but recently we’ve come to the realisation that actually when push comes to shove we’re alone in this and they’re not there like they promised and it’s difficult. We have no break and no time to ourselves and I was beginning to feel resentful but then I heard this term, The Sandwich Generation and it struck a chord. We’re at an age where we have a child to care for but also parents who need support.

My Father in law passed away a few years ago and although younger than my in laws my parents are dealing with caring for elderly grandparents and can’t be there for us. I hate that I resent it but I miss them being there for me and I feel horribly selfish for feeling this way but sometimes I just need my mum and it makes me sad.

I don’t feel like I can talk to them about it so just allowing myself a little pity party tonight. Anyone feel the same?

I don’t think you’re alone in finding the support network you planned for isn’t actually there when it comes down to it. I know the people I draw on for support aren’t the ones who said they’d be there.

In a way it’s to be expected, I’m 8 years in now and many of those relationships have changed, as you’d expect, over time. Lives change and people have different priorities.

I think it’s also the case that when people say they’ll support you in adoption they’re thinking of being able to babysit occasionally or be there for a phone call. They feel ill equipped and deskilled by the reality of adoption - ie that children need a huge amount of support over a long period of time. They don’t feel able to deal with a child who regresses, or with challenging behaviour, or how to address trauma and they slowly (or not so slowly) back away. It does leave you feeling isolated and that it’s all on you. And when your child is going through a sticky patch that can be very hard indeed.

Do you know what kind of support would help? Someone to babysit, to do a school run, pick up some milk when you can’t get out or someone you can talk to without judgement?

I found the best supports were other adoptive parents, because they do get it. Do you have any links to adopter groups or other adoptive parents? I’ve also found that as my two get older (14 and 12 now) they can be left for an hour while I go to the supermarket (have a coffee in peace) or walk the dog.

@SuperAunt08

We all need a good wallow sometimes.

My son is 2, at uni, doing well. Do because I'm a glutton for punishment I now foster.
I have a 12 year old who is a bit of a handful.
This year my mum has had a very sharp decline in health, mental and physical. My step dad isn't doing great either. Both 82. They live in the north West, Im in the West Midlands. From Easter to Sept I was going up once a week to shop, do cleaning etc.
I can't do this now I have a child in place. Although there are other relatives up there, my mum needs more than I can give and its a worry.
I agree with jellycats that the best support comes from other adoptive parents. Can you see if there is a local group.
Try and carve out some time for yourself, maybe you can both have one evening a week to go to the gym or cinema ? What about both booking a day's leave and go out for a nice lunch together?
And you can always come here for a moan

I'm jumping aboard this thread to ask how you find other adoptive families for support @Jellycatspyjamas @Ted27 . I could have written this post and it came at the right time as definatly feeling more than a little isolated by the evaporation of promised support network. xx

It’s funny, I didn’t go out looking for other adoptive parents but when people knew we were adopting it seemed like lots of people in my circle were either going through the process or had been placed. I also got involved with the adoption group in my local authority - not everyone was my cup of tea but a couple of folk were friendly, met for coffee etc. Just mind your own boundaries, you don’t need to be friends just because you have adoption in common. I found that people tended to go to groups when they were struggling and needing support but the resultant relationships were either very one sided or grounded in crisis. I do have a few good friends, some I keep up with on social media and lots of acquaintances that I bump into now and again.

Try to find common ground beyond adoption because that’s what makes things feel balanced.

Hi @Sunflower16
I seem to have collected friends from various places over the years.
My 2 best friends from before adoption are still my 2 best friends. For various reasons they aren't much help on a practical level but they are my biggest emotional and moral support.
A year after adoption I attended a course for parents of children with autism. A few of us met up for coffee afterwards- 13 years later we are a really tight group, Im the only adopter but we share a lot of similar problems. We can say anything to each other and know we wont be judged.
I do have a big group of on line friends- we were originally on the Adoption UK forum when it was a real community and we splintered off.
I met another adopter on adoption UK who lives near me, we adopted around the same time and have become close friends.
I used to work for the Dept of Education which is a large organisation and we had an adopters group there.
I have a couple of people at the gym I have a coffee with sometimes. My allotment neighbour is great.
So Id say it takes time, like any friendship, you have to try lots of things and like jellycats says find people that you have more in common with than just adoption because it's nice to talk about something different sometimes.
Adoption UK run groups - if you can get to one that could be a start. Or there are lots of groups on Facebook etc.
It can be hard, Im not naturally the most gregarious of people. I"m also happy to muddle along with life and focus more on moral and emotional support which is easier to develop on line

Thanks everyone. I was thinking more specifically about support from parents/family and them being there not just for me but for my child too and yes babysitting for a few hours or overnight like thy did at first but I was feeling like every time I asked (and it’s not often) they were ‘busy’ and I was feeling a little paranoid thinking ‘but you promised you would help’ and feeling very alone.

Now I’m feeling more rational I do understand that they have caring roles or struggling themselves and maybe it isn’t personal.

you’re totally right though that it is sometimes just useful to unburden to someone who gets it even if it’s not physical support so thank you.