Daughter having a hard time in Yr 1

[PinotGrigios]

Hi folks,
Would love some wisdom. Our glorious daughter is 5, she is in Year 1. She's clever and managing to keep up academically, but she's finding school hard. She was taken into care a few weeks after birth, lived with a lovely foster carer, and had very smooth transitions into our home at 22 months. No FAS or neurodivergence that we know of. But she has been quite poorly this term - multiple infections and hospital visits including one procedure that she found incredibly distressing. She has a potentially serious condition, so she's dealing with a lot.

She's become quite disruptive at school and lashes out at her friends - crunch points seem to be during playtime or transitions. She sometimes gets taken into another classroom as apparently that helps her calm down. She's stopped being invited to parties, poor little bean. Before half term she had several incidents of hitting and kicking. The rest of the time she's incredibly affectionate and sociable, though sometimes clings to her teacher's leg ....

School are lovely. She goes in five minutes early for special quiet time with her teacher each day. They have built her a little reading corner with cushions and books (she adores stories) and some spoons with faces on so she can describe her emotions. Her teacher is very caring but not massively experienced in adoption trauma.

At home she is funny, very loving, and mostly happy, but can be very controlling and has occasional rages. She will issue non-stop instructions when we play with her, and refuse to put shoes on or get dressed etc. Transitions are very tricky - it's like she's gone back to being a toddler. I can't work out what's normal 5yr old arse-hattery, what's her health, and what's trauma!

On Tuesday we have a meeting with the SENCO (who is fab), and the teacher. I was thinking of asking for more sessions with the ELSA (she had this in reception and seemed to enjoy it). Any more ideas on what I can ask for in school?

Meanwhile, we're also thinking of starting the process to access therapy for her, and would love your thoughts on what she needs.

She has such enormous potential and I'm worried that she isn't her happy self.

Thank you x

Hi @PinotGrigios we have an adopted son who is in Year 1 too! Similar background but he came to us at 10months. His behaviour is always very good and academically he is above his peers - but during the summer holidays he would get angry and frustrated a lot and shout at us. We are both very calm (I'm a teacher too so have a good understanding of child development) but it was becoming an issue. We didn't really have the terrible twos or threenager stages so I wondered if it was coming out now. Long story short, I think we were just all on top of each other in the summer holidays and he was crabby a lot more often! lol We would have some good talks about his feelings and frustrations to help him deal with them and now he's back at school we haven't really had the outbursts. My point is, it could just be a stage they're going through, nothing to do with whether they were adopted or not. I'm sure the school will be best placed to advise you, it sounds like they're being proactive which is good.

We found having a marble jar where he earns marbles when doing good listening and homework (sometimes it's a struggle to get him to read lol) has worked really well. He sets the prize for when the marble is full and then he has something to aim for. It usually takes about 3-4 weeks to fill the jar.

Hopefully, things will iron themselves out as she settles. Moving from Reception to Year 1 is a big move now that the work is becoming more formal. Good luck!

hey @MyTwoDads Thanks so much! Yes you're right, it could be nothing more than frustration at having to sit and do some work for once!! I hope it is something she'll get into the swing of, but I'm worried there's something a little more going on and want to stay on top of it. The hitting is what really worries me. I worry we're getting into the cycle of her thinking she's the 'naughty kid'.

I love the marble jar idea. We currently have a sticker chart going on for kind hands at school, but she's got a bit bored of it - she is incredibly reward focussed so a new reward system might work!

As PP has said it is a big leap from Reception EYFS curriculum to Y1. This can vary from school to school of course but she may still need access to more play based activities.

If she responds well to positive rewards ask if she can have an I am working for chart. She would choose something she’d like to do ( from a choice of favoured activities offered) and that photo/ symbol is velcroed onto the I am working for board
Below would be space for 4 tokens or stars to be given in quick succession for good sitting, safe hands and feet, listening for a set time etc. Tokens aren’t removed and the chosen reward should be given quickly then timed e.g. 5 minutes in her quiet area, a walk etc.

Expectations need to be clear and learning chunked into achievable amounts. Some element of choice will give her back some control e.g.shall we do your writing at the table or on the carpet?

They could look at supporting emotional regulation using colours linked to feelings.g.5 point scale. The spoons could be a weapon if she becomes dysregulated.

They and you could look at STAR analysis
setting trigger action result to unpick behaviour and look for any triggers and what the behaviour is achieving or trying to communicate.
Good luck.

Mines 5 too and yr 1,she has an individual learning plan with school which sets in things like a movement break every 15 mins,if you haven't got that I would get a learning plan in place with senco and put in anything that might help.mines very physical and needs a lot of movement,they have a wizzy dizzy in a school and we have one at home etc,all to help her regulate.she used to hit and bite at school and we have set her up with a sensory assessment through senco and is going to start play therapy soon through the ASF, everyone has been very supportive as keen to keep her in school.theres things that came from the learning plan that were useful for home too like playing stop go games for helping her develop control.

Thanks so much @tonyhawks23 and @24Dogcuddler these are really helpful ideas! I have been thinking about play therapy too.

My DD (birth child) really didn't like the transition from reception to Year One. In her case I suspect due to being an August birthday and really just being a bit too young for the workload.

We'd chosen the school because the Reception environment seemed very play based and nurturing which it was - however it probably gave us a false sense of complacency about her being a summer born. There weren't any behaviour issues but she told us often that she wanted to be back in reception and she really struggled with the work.

No useful advice to offer I'm afraid as we couldn't do much except wait for her to get older but I think it's a stage a lot of kids struggle with.

Hi everyone just a little update - thanks so much for the help. She's already much happier and seems for now back to her jolly little self. We're getting some ELSA sessions and lots of rewards for anything good. I think as you've all said, she just has found the leap into serious learning really hard, combined with not being very well. School is doing a STAR analysis but they haven't needed it for the last week or so. Fingers crossed x