Recommendations for adoption agencies please!

[BelleCrescent]

My husband and I attended Barnardo’s adoption information evening last night, and we both came away feeling a bit deflated. It sounded like in the vast majority of cases, adoption is extremely challenging and that we’d have to be prepared for some really tough scenarios. I expected this to an extent, but somehow it felt as if they were trying to put us off. I’m wondering if that’s a deliberate strategy to test how determined potential adopters are?

We also don’t have a big local support network, and Barnardo’s seemed to emphasise how important that is. I’m worried this might count against us - has anyone been in a similar position?
Do different agencies tend to have their own attitudes or approaches when it comes to approving adopters? If so, can you recommend an agency that you had a good experience with?

We’d really love to expand our family, but reading so many difficult stories has been daunting. Any honest insight would mean a lot - thank you!

Hi. Sounds like they aren't sugar coating things, which is good.

I adopted a very long time ago. But you still have to decide between a local authority/regional adoption agency or a voluntary agency. The first type means you are going with the local authorities near you. They have the children and like to place their children with people they have approved.

Voluntary agencies act as a kind of clearing house for children who can't be placed by the local authorities. This is often because of specific characteristics like race or because it isn't deemed safe for the child to be placed nearby.

You might want to look at your local regional adoption agency to compare.

But tbh it can be difficult to find children who haven't suffered some degree of trauma and that could be hard if you have a birth child.

Support networks change. But you do need to show you can make connections because you will need to be able to ask advice, call on people etc.

Think outside the box a bit.

You have people on the end of a phone for moral support.
Experts like SWs, the GP surgery, teachers.
Online such as Adoption UK forum or this board on MN.
But you do also need someone who can pop to pick up a prescription for you, or keep an eye whilst you have a dentist or whatever.

(I am always amazed/sad/shocked how some on MN say have no one they could possibly ask a favour of. you need these people as a parent, and you need to be able to ask.)

You do need to think what you could / could not cope with. All children will have been impacted by needing to be adopted, and you need to be aware there are no guarantees. Some things only appear when in education or as late teens.

I also find I am forever second guessing.
Is X to do with adoption, genetics, or just because.
Could we have done more, earlier with hindsight.
Should we have rocked the boat when things were going smoothly to have headed off emotional issues later.
Should I have pushed more with teachers (the experts) when they said all fine and I thought not.
And so on.

Thanks for your advice, both. We're going to an open event at our local adoption agency next month and see what they say. We're new to all this, and obviously, a few things they mentioned took us by surprise, but we're trying to keep our expectations realistic. Good point about the support network, too. I guess I imagined they were looking for big families and lots of friends. Thanks again!

We have no family nearby, they were welcoming but no help from a practical point of view.
We did have friends from work and a few others.

Most of my actual support was built once our DC were placed, gained through toddlers or at the school gate. But by showing we could build and maintain relationships before, the SWs could be confident we could continue to do it.

I can remember feeling REALLY depressed by all the information evenings and prep stuff we went to. It was heavy and bleak. They were trying to walk the line of recruiting people whilst actively trying to disabuse us of the historic idea that there are easier options in adoption like adopting a baby from a nice young girl giving them up because the timing isn't right in her life. All adoption is separation and all that carries for a child. Adoption is often a last resort for birth parents in very complex and sad situations. However in trying to educate about modern adoption, get people to be realistic and most importantly avoid adoption failure, they erred on the side of total gloom! Couple that with our sadness and grief from TTC and baby loss, I remebervfeeling so down and angry. So the contrast when we went to the adoption playgroup run by our agency when our daughter was placed was stark - I remember saying to my husband that this was the first time I associated going to their buildings with joy! Hang in there!

To add r.e. support networks. They are looking for practical thinking - if we were both ill with Covid, who would we call on? Who would you call if you were going stir crazy and needed to chat and vent? Who do we know with kids who could give advice if we needed it on the practical stuff? So in my experience you dont need wads of family and friends locally, but you do need to show you have given this stuff thought. At some point in the process you will do some kind of exercise to map this out and discuss it. I was paranoid I didn't have enough friends or a close enough family but this process helped me drill down on exactly who I would call from a&e at 2am, etc.

That's a good point! You never really know who will be there for you when you need support.

Thanks for sharing this, it’s so reassuring to hear that the process can feel different once you're matched. We both felt really down last week, but a bit more optimistic now. We've been through baby loss, too, and IVF, so going through another difficult process feels a bit daunting!

They’ll be trying to weed out people who think adoption is an Annie style fairy tale, and to
make sure people who do go forward understand the potential challenges. You need to be personally resilient to adopt, you need a good understanding of developmental trauma and what kids need from you. Even then you can’t know what that will mean to you personally because adopters and children are all different.

As you go through the process you’ll find some really informed people who can present a balanced view, or be overly positive/negative depending on that experience. You’ll also come across very poorly informed people who have extremes of view for or against, usually based on “I knew a second cousins sisters friend…”. It’s important you understand the risks and challenges, as well as the positives. It’s also important you start thinking about what you can manage, for example I knew I wouldn’t cope with a child with physical disabilities because of my own limitations.

For what it’s worth I know folk who adopted through Barnardos and had a really good experience in that assessment was thorough and they had a lot of support. Barnardos are hugely experienced in adoption and fostering with a lot of knowledge to draw on. Yes they’re honest about where things can go wrong, but that’s better than going in to it wide eyed and with unrealistic expectations. Adoption can be tough, but so can any form of parenting - it’s still the best thing I’ve ever done.

We had a rule during the process that either one of us was allowed to announce our doubts about continuing. We'd go for a long walk and hash it out. Each time we felt better for voicing our fears. You can also take a pause. We went to an information evening with our local council that was so depressing we went to the pub afterwards and did not reopen the topic for another five years!

It's good to go in prepared - you'll enjoy it a lot more when it happens. Adoption is complicated, but I wouldn't change a thing, our daughter is the absolute bees knees. Loving someone so much when they've had a terrible start in life does feel like I'm peeling my own skin off sometimes, but I expect your heart gets broken with a birth child too in different ways.

Support network - my sister and brother in law are both teachers and they're incredibly useful to have on the end of the phone. They don't live nearby. But they're brilliant when I need advice.

Sorry about your losses; I lost many pregnancies. The moment I met my daughter the grief vanished. I know that's not the case for everyone, but for me it was total and immediate, and never came back. I would not change a thing, except I would make life better for my daughter from the start, rather than her having to go through what she had to experience.

We were with PACT and they were fabulous from start to finish.