Constant pointless lies

[SuperAunt08]

my son is 11, been with us since 5 has emotional development delays due to trauma and struggles to regulate. Currently going through the pre-teen attitude/answering back phase but what’s currently frustrating us is the complete lack of responsibility and constant stupid lies. Here’s one example but there’s multiple a day…

we’re away in a caravan and I dropped an empty plastic cup which I’d been using to drink from and it rolled towards him, asked him to pass me it and he put his foot in the cup to kind of kick it back to me, I said (not shouted or aggressive) oh don’t put your foot in my cup and he replies ‘I didn’t’ whilst I’m watching him do it.

Not a big deal in itself but it’s one of many times a day he’ll say he’s not doing something whilst doing it or don’t say something he’s just said.

Sometimes he’ll spend ages repeating ‘ I wasn’t (putting my foot in the cup.. or whatever it was) I’ve explained loads of times that he’s not in trouble for the act itself but there no need for the denial. He doesn’t get ‘told off’ for minor things like this so no need to lie.

sorry this is long but it becomes exhausting all day and I don’t want him getting to teen years feeling the need to lie when it might be bigger transgressions. How do you nip this in the bud?

Both my girls tell lies constantly and they are in their mid/late 30s.

Nothing stops them. It is sad but all I can do is try and stay alert.

I basically don't believe anything they say about anything unless I have had it verified in some way.

Sometimes it isn't lying but a lack of understanding. Or it is just trying to find something interesting to talk about.

Really difficult.

We have always had exactly this as well, doing something in front of me and then denying it, drives me crazy!
Mine are now young adults and I know the lying continues. It seems so pointless to me when it is over something which has no importance and very frustrating when we have to get to the truth of the important things!
As you can tell I don't have the answer but know you are not alone!

This is interesting. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice but we have this with our daughter and have noticed it becoming more prominent in the last few months, she's now 10. She is diagnosed aspergers type autism so I've thought it was this but more recently with the boundary pushing its become more obvious and frequent.
I wonder if it is more adoption related in that it's more about control and not losing face, trying to deal with shame?
I have found that when I reflect on when it seems constant it seems to reflect a disconnect between me and her that needs reset with a focus on me doing things along side her and often helping her with things like dressing that she can often do independently. In fact today she asked for help with her clothes which is signalling she just wants me there. She is currently not combative so we'll see how the rest of the day goes.
I wonder if the disconnect thing could be relevant to you and your son perhaps?

It's a common developmental stage, lying. We give it a lot of moral weight, as adults but children/teens are flexing their imaginations and their sense of control by lying
It can also be a defense mechanism - you might not see the need for it but like other automatic defense mechanisms it has a root beyond what you perceived as a "negative" act. Like being untidy, strewing stuff everywhere, procrastinating, refusing to do homework etc, hitting.
It isn't as simple as the "thing" itself being pointless or unnecessary or inappropriate.

This is from my experience of teenagers unadopted but with developmental challenges

It can be an automatic defense to not wanting to be criticised or blamed - getting in there first by lying or blaming something or someone else.
The only solution is re direction, I've found, Rather than focusing on the lie or the thing /action they are lying about you focus on what they can do well, want to do etc

Thank you. It is definitely more about avoiding blame/shame most of the time but is sometimes just about being argumentative ie ‘it’s raining outside’… no it’s not.
He is usually fairly honest about incidents that happen at school/with friends etc although like most people the story always skews towards painting himself in a better light.
It’s the denying stuff that is happening right in front of me or that I’ve just heard him say that’s driving me mad and he’s so adamant at times that his version is the true one. It’s almost always silly things like ‘don’t roll about on the floor while eating…I’m not’ ‘don’t tell me to shush it’s rude…I didn’t’ and repeat…

It could be a need to control the situation. DD1 very much needed to control the adults around her to feel safe, and would argue every little thing because that meant she was in charge of our interaction.

In the end I just stopped arguing, I would say calmly 'this is what I saw, and I am.not going to discuss it any more', then change the subject. She would try to switch back, and every time I said calmly 'I am.not discussing that any more' and move onto the next topic. After a while it reduced the behaviour (she found others of course 😂).

Her arguments were usually based on splitting the tiniest of hairs - e.g. I had told her not to do xyz, but actually what she had done was xzy...!