Brutally honest opinion needed- adopting when you already have a birth child

[enjoyingtheleaves]

As the title says- I have a wonderful child (6yo) with my DH, we are incredibly happy and have a lovely life.
I am desperate for another child and after years of trying for a second I don't think this will happen, and I can't and don't want to do IVF. We've been thinking about adopting a child but we are terrified we might risk our lovely home life- we already looked into adoption when we had issues conceiving first time round, and would probably have gone ahead, but it feels very risky now somehow (as we already have one child) and of course I don't want my DC to suffer! Please could I have your honest opinions?

I maybe shouldn't comment as I haven't done this, as mine were adopted as a pair.
However I think you have to be brave to adopt, but 10x as brave to adopt with a birth child.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it.

To elaborate.
You can mitigate for risk by careful matching. Having a larger age gap, being careful what known 'issues' you will accept.
But what you can't prevent is unknown issues, or things developing when the child is older but which have their roots in their early life or the mere fact they have moved families probably twice at a minimum.
Both mine did well until they hit 15/16 but we have had a lot of struggles since then.

But lots of people do adopt successfully with BC.

I did. I'd fight you if you tried to take away my adopted daughter. But i would not recommend it. My birth child has been affected.

Can I ask how they were effected ? If you don’t mind sharing

Sending a hug. It must have been hard!

Hello,

You need a large age gap so from the start as their needs are different e.g baby playing with different toys to a 6yo against a 4yo playing with similar toys to a 6yo

You need to assume the worse and hope for the best.

In my humble opinion, the child is likely to have FASD along with other trauma's. Have you had the time to research FASD yet ?

As PicK my birth child has been affected BUT if we had had a disabled child as a birth child they still would of been affected.

I was chatting to someone the other day and her youngest is undiagnosed but she feels he is neurodivergent. She commented how difficult it is for her eldest for meals and noise and having to leave using a certain routine to accommodate her youngest. Birth children but she can see her eldest is affected (he is 7yo).

Are you working ? I never went back full time and my part time job was not a career so it wasn't all consuming. I had to give up work when my adoptive son reached his teens. He refused school due to anxiety. Many children who are not adopted also school refuse. Obvs my sons needs are more complicated but hopefully you get my point.

We had and still do have a HUGE amount of support within our families and friends. This is as needed now as it was at placement.

The extended birth parent(s) and birth siblings are likely to be on the scene or in contact way before the child reaches 18yo. You either support/guide your child or they contact them unsupervised and they maybe rejected or get involved with them. How would feel your child referring to their birth mum as birth mum or even mum ?? I know it is not all about you but I feel from the start you need to except this may happen.

x

I didn't see underthenameofsanders reply - sorry I've basically said the same thing

No harm in it being said twice.
I was worried I was being unduly negative so good to see someone else with similar concerns.

The younger the child the easier it may be to bond and influence development.
But the older the child the more obvious any physical/developmental issues will be.

Adoption has been the best but also the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't regret doing it, but I do regret some of the outcomes.

Thank you all so much for your replies. The thing is I think I know in reality that I am not resilient enough for the adoption rollercoaster and the uncertainty it brings.

What you could do, is see your child into his teens then if you still have the urge you could consider fostering or respite fostering. That will come with a whole heap of challenges itself but isn't permanent. Or mentoring a child in care.

Or not, and move forward with your happy single child family.

don't beat yourself up enjoyingtheleaves.

Funny but not funny but on Monday morning I was musing to myself that if I hadn't have had failed IVF would I have adopted? I thought I would but now I am not so sure. I could never say this to my husband as he would disagree.

underthenameofsanders - great idea

Thank you for your kind reply. That's a good idea!

Sorry, I think I am being thick- you mean that you might not adopt again? Sending a hug either way- it's such a brave thing to do.

Sorry but unless you could adopt a tiny baby (highly unlikely) I think it’s risky. The adopted child might be absolutely fine, or they might have or develop some difficult behaviour issues arising from their early experiences. If they hadn’t had some traumatic events and several changes of carer in their lives, they wouldn't be up for adoption.

Children are sometimes mean to each other. How would you react if the adopted child was mean, e,g, name-calling or hitting your DC? What if your DC said "Mummy, I don’t like X, I liked it better without him/her, can we send him/her back?"

What you describe is exactly my concern. Also to be honest, even with a tiny baby, you don't really know what you could be in for as there might have been alcohol in pregnancy etc so even that is very risky I think. I would just love my boy to have a sibling but I think it's just overall too much risk!

My DD has attachment issues and fasd. She needs to "feel our gaze" on her (or trusted school staff) every waking moment. I cannot talk on the phone to someone else as it distressed her, I can't do anything interesting as ditto. If I sit really still and watch TV she'll feel confident enough to play in her room whilst chatting to a friend. I can't go garden. I can't work. It's exhausting.
Her moods spin on a sixpence - she can scream and scream and scream and Grrrr in rage.
She adores her brother but can't cope with my attention on him or on anyone else. It destroyed my marriage. We'd divorced within 4 years. She can't cope if her dad and I try to chat to sort out coparenting diaries.
When she was tiny she couldn't cope with moments of joy and she'd lash out and scratch us on the face and arms. (Do not tell me I could have gut her nails - she tore into our skin with a maddened fury).
She attacked my son to get his attention. We had to put locks on his door and keep them separate and funnel - but my ex would spend most time with my son and I lost connection before I realised what had happened.
I love her. She's funny, gregarious and embraces life. But if the clock went back and I didn't know her I would not have adopted.
I'd have thrown money on clubs, had a house full of treats for my son's friends, paid for friends to come with us on holidays. Etc etc.
You won't lose out by not adopting.

Thank you so much for your honest reply. My heart goes out to you. Your daughter is so very lucky to have you!

My (adopted) son (6) is the actual centre of our world. He genuinely is the best thing that ever happened to us and I would go through the process a million times over for him.

So far, he is totally on track for his age and has a lovely group of friends. We have no school issues. Family life is calm and happy. I have friends with similar aged adopted children and they have many more difficulties in general family life than I do. I’m also not saying we never will face problems but, as of right now, life is pretty much perfect.

For that reason, as much as I would love to give him a sibling, I wouldn’t adopt again. The risk is too high for his quality of life and I figure being an only child is better than suddenly having a high needs sibling and all that attention going away.

If I had a birth child, I would feel exactly the same I think. No one can predict the future for any child but, as much as I dreamt of a big family, accepting and loving the one I have right now has been the right step for us.

We did it with a 2 year old BS. There is a year between them. AS son has significant needs but both boys are very happy (now 12 and 13). We were going to do it again until Covid hit and by the time things opened up we were too old, too knackered and too unfit 😂😂. So yes, I know we were lucky and things worked out for us. Yes, I know they don’t work out for everyone. But personally we’ve never regretted anything for a moment.

Im so happy for you it worked out that well. It's lovely to hear. Wishing you and your family all the best!

I just want to add a different perspective. Like you we had our birth son. He was IVF, we then struggled to conceive a second time with IVF and had always had adoption as an option as my husband is adopted. We adopted our AD when she was 3 and our BS was 8 so a 5 year age gap. Don’t get me wrong there was an adjustment but for me it didn’t feel any different than if I had had a baby he was adjusting to us having to split our time and attention between two children. We are now almost 2 years in and they are 5 and 10 and honestly just like any other brother and sister. I know it’s still early days but we were very specific about what additional needs we would take on because we had a birth child. We are very lucky that so far our AD has not displayed any concerns, she definitely has some emotional trauma but thrives on love, reassurance and support and absolutely dotes on her older brother! I wouldn’t have our family any other way and love them both with the whole of my heart. Good luck whatever you decide to do. X

Like @Jenhen1982 we have also had a positive experience. Adopted third child after two birth children. Adopted at age 2. Siblings were 4 & 6. We are 4 years in and it’s been really positive. Obviously having birth or adoptive children is hard work but my family is better with our adoptive child in it.

This article might be of interest
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0kdv1x83gko

I’m an adoptive mum of two. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t go near it with a birth child. Not a chance.