Adopting with 10 year old birth child

[Mandala211]

Hi, would love some advise and guidance as very new to this. Have been having a good read through the forum already.

Trying to cut a long story short, I have a birth child who is 10 with my ex husband, we separated when he was 2. Difficult relationship and then thankfully met my wonderful now husband 6 years ago. We are happily married and a very good relationship. Unfortunately we tried a number of rounds of IVF with no success ( last round 18 months ago). I feel I have grieved having no more birth children but still feel a longing for a bigger family and feel I have a lot of love to give. My husband is also on board with the idea of adoption as is my son.

I have a fair amount of insight into how difficult the process can be. I work as a psychotherapist with adults, the majority of who have experienced numerous ACES and significant early trauma. I also have a closed friend who adopted and later discovered her son has fetal alcohol syndrome and has been challenging to say the least as he has become a teenager.

Although I feel I have the patience and some degree of skills to cope with a more complex needs child, my son needs to be my priorty. We're therefore considering applying to adopt a child between 4-7 years old, on the basis that once they start in school more is known about them and we would have more information to understand there needs....

So my question is... is this realistic? What are the costs/ pros of adopting a slightly older vs a much younger child?

My biggest fear is adopting a child we later discover has FASD as I am very aware how difficult that can be. I don't mean to sound selfish but I really do need to put my sons needs first. I am aware even without FASD some children's needs are going to be very complex and I'm just trying to explore ways to try and have as much information as possible about any child we may adopt.

Many thanks for any help offered and any experiences, positive or negative :)

My two were 4 and 6 when
placed with me. There’s a huge difference in need between my older and younger child. My DD who is the elder has much more complex needs than my DS. The impact of being with her birth family for longer has definitely been more significant. She is about to go through neurodevelopmental assessments (age 14) and FASD is suspected as well as other issues. In saying that, while she has needed a lot of support for physical health concerns, and is in specialist school provision she is not difficult to parent. She’s a really lovely girl, kind, empathic and good fun, she just needs more support. All of these things (FASD, ASD, ADHD, developmental trauma) have a huge range of presentations some more impactful day to day than others.

While I understand your son being your priority, the reality is any adopted child will need a huge amount of your time and care, and that will take you away from your son at times. Yes in your decision making you need to consider the impact on your existing child, but your priorities will need to shift and at times your adopted child’s needs will conflict with those of your birth child, and you need to be able to manage that. In all honesty I think it’s just part of parenting two or more children.

While with older children their needs may be more known, there will be things that won’t have come to light yet, and there may be assumptions made about particular needs that don’t actually pan out. There’s no real certainty but if I had my time again I’d still adopt older children.

We adopted our three year old son when our birth child was nine.

This means there is a six year gap, which feels big but of course grows smaller with time.

It ha snot been plain sailing but I would not change it.

My best advice, if you go ahead is, not to pass on clothes or toys etc or equipment from your older child to the younger one. We did and it caused issues. I know it is very normal with birth children to do this but we found it caused some issues.

Your birth child is currently your priority, once you adopt (if you do) both the children will be your priority, like all parents to more than one child, it's a juggling act.

Good luck.

My birth son was 7 when I adopted my younger son, who was nearly 2. His needs are more complex than we expected, and 5 years on life is very hard, but I wouldn’t change it, and neither would my older son.

I wrote a much longer post but it deleted, and actually, this is the only important bit.

I feel if you have plenty of love to give and you know the possible challenges you are taking on then you are perfect for adoption.
I adopted my child when they were 2 and my birth children were 4 and 6 so I can't answer your specific question.
However, once you start the adoption process and talk with the social work team you ideas regarding ages might change or they might not.
It sounds like you are ready to start the process.

I’m a single adopter. My first adopted daughter came home as an ‘easy’ baby with no known health needs. She is, at the age of very nearly 18, blind, autistic, ADHD, and has diagnoses of neonatal abstinence syndrome and a very rare autoimmune disease that requires weekly chemotherapy. She probably also has FASD if only we could get a referral to one of the two UK clinics that diagnoses it. My second adopted daughter ‘only’ has autism and ADHD. She has three-hour long meltdowns, to the extent that neighbours dial 999.

None of it is easy. Would I recommend it? (No).

@ThePieceHall

I am sorry things have been so difficult. Have you had post adoption support?

It sounds like an awful lot to deal with.

Xxxxxx

Can you hear the sound of hollow laughter from where you live?! We have been in crisis for years (violence, false allegations, my arrest, S47 Child Protection investigation etc etc). We were on a waiting list to be allocated a PASW for nearly a year.

I am so sorry. It sounds so incredibly hard. I just did not want your post to go unanswered.

Were the social works honest with you or was this unforeseen?

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness. Yes, it is very hard, impossibly so. I think I was having a bit of an existential crisis yesterday, hence my very negative post! I have been in the adoption game for 20 years now and the lack of support, practical, emotional and financial, is getting worse.

@ThePieceHall

I am so sorry. It is very tough.

We adopted about 12 years ago. and we have been very lucky that we did have support. Our son does not have the terrible issues you are dealing with, but he does have some issues.

We have been able to access the adoption fund money to get some help.

On the whole needs are more obvious at school age. However, remember that children will do what they need to do.in order to survive. So they can mask at school.

Having said that, the fellow adoptive parents I know who have adopted school aged children have had fewer surprises.

But all have had challenges that would have affected a sibling, for some of the time. The bigger the age gap the better.

The reality is there will be unknowns if you adopt. You can do everything to minimise the unknowns ( and a school.aged child is one way). If you go ahead your new child may have challenges but also be an overall positive for your family and DS. On the other hand, no matter what you put in place, they may be hugely disruptive, without the progress that make challenges worth it.

Also worth considering, a birth child might have been be born with various long term conditions that make life challenging. There She Goes on bbc iplayer is all too close to.home for a good friend of mine. My adopted DD has been easier to parent than her biological daughter. And DD is increasingly independent, which her DD will never be. You would have coped if you had had a birth child with significant needs.