18 yr old total never tidies up after herself

[Altonbeck]

Adopted teenager, diagnosed ADHD with ASD traits. Been difficult from the start but absolutely awful to live with the last few years, dropped out of school, can’t hold down part time work etc. Her room is an awful mess and I just can’t keep on top of it and why should I? Last Thursday she coloured her hair in her en-suite bathroom. The mess is all over the sink, up the wall and on clothes. She is refusing to clean it up. From past experience threats do not work. Plus if we do something like take her car keys away she will skip college because she can’t drive (she could walk but is too lazy).
Does anyone have any advice?
Is this behaviour part of being an adopted, is it ADHD and therefore a disability that she just can’t help? Or is she just terribly selfish and spoilt?
Feeling so low, we love her but it’s such hard work.

Impossible to really know for sure but has she tried ADHD meds? If the issues disappear or greatly improve with meds that would give you a very neat answer. If they don't it's obviously a lot less clear cut.

I have two adult adopted daughters. Neither could keep their rooms tidy. I still have to help my 27 year old who still lives at home.

It is common in adopted children. Some want to recreate the chaos of their early years, or it reflects how they feel about themselves.

We were all told about the ongoing effects of early trauma and imo thisvis just one of the manifestations of it and we need to come at it from a place of love and support.

I think there comes a point where you can't punish a young adult by removing their things. Like you said it doesn't work.

Tbh I think you need to focus on what she needs rather on what she should be doing. She may need more scaffolding than other young women of her age.

I know lots of young adults who have ADHD and ASD and they all have problems with personal hygiene and keeping their environments clean. It is to do with executive functioning problems and sensory issues. They find establishing routines and sticking to it really difficult. They also don't see the need/reason why they need to keep themselves or rooms clean and tidy. My daughter who is adopted and has ADHD and ASD is exactly the same. Read up on AuDHD - this is combined ADHD and ASD but theses two conditions conflict with each other and so are more difficult to deal with than either condition on it's own. Medication can help with the ADHD symptoms, so something to consider if she isn't already on it. Occupational therapy can help with self care, organisation, keeping environment clean and tidy - so this may be something else to look at. It can also look at whether she has any sensory issues which may make it more difficult for her to keep herself/environment clean. The therapist will also be able to help with putting together visual timetables. Does she get PIP? If so then maybe make her pay for a cleaner - this will probably be something she will have to invest in once she lives on her own.

Obviously as mentioned above, the fact that she is adopted adds an extra dimension to her behaviour -so consider some adoption/trauma related therapy if you think she is struggling with her birth history/identity.

I am currently reading a book called 'AuDHD - blooming differently " , by Leanne Maskell. It's really good and very eye opening as to how these two conditions interact. It's about the author's own life and gives tips on how to manage various aspects of these conditions.

Xx

Im someone who can't keep a room tidy,it's soo hard.Only thing that works is a routine checklist,a list I can tick works well for me.everyones different and something might work for her.or can you do something like help her do it really fast so you can go for brunch together type thing.

Adoptee here. I think it’d be worth considering what the parent child relationship is like in general. Could these defiant and irresponsible behaviours speak to a deeper issue, does the child feel safe to have open healthy discussion with parents if there was ever something bothering them about anything including parents. Could there be a struggle with sense of identity causing lack of self esteem, motivation, self determination. Any potential resentment or sense of disconnection. Do they have a sense of autonomy as an individual vs potential expectations of who they should be from their adoptive parents. I’m not accusing you of any of this, I’m just trying to provide general perspective from the other side in case any of it may apply. I hope this isn’t too blunt!

Parent of extremely messy (and creative) non adopted ADHD daughter 23 here and (presumed) ADHD myself. I think there is more than one thing going on here, to state the obvious.
My daughter has completed an art degree at university with a high 2.1. She completed A levels with As and Bs. She now has a very well paid job doing something in the field she trained for.
As a teen and even now she has always been oppositional moody rude and extremely untidy. She only has to enter a room to untidy it even whilst she is trying to "sort" things think multiple little classifications and storage boxes thousands of pictures on the walls. She strews her stuff all over the house without noticing. She is also delightful affectionate motivated energetic creative sociable and once she gets going hyperfocused. She is good at walking climbing swimming although not through organised sports just "doing it" with companions.
When she was little (4?) she used to draw on the walls I was furious - a tradesman once pointed out to me I should be glad that she had a desire to express herself and it wasn't wanton destruction.

The brain at 18 is still developing and I think for some teens they genuinely are not seeing or noticing the mess or knowing how it came about.

It's very positive she can drive - that's a fantastic skill my three grownup children do not yet have although they are learning - so she has organised herself enough to do that. Ditto the self beautification - it's a developmental stage to be very interested in improving your appearance to the outside world and try things out take risks

If you arent like this yourself you may struggle to identify with this stage but I certainly remember my mother shouting at me to tidy my room and yet not knowing just how to do it - feeling in despair that everything in my life was "wrong" and very much needing that glimmer of independent action which did not mean tidying my room FOR my parents benefit.

So scaffolding and help is not spoiling - it may just give her the support she needs to do other important independent things. Just like parents giving their children lifts or buying some groceries for them if they go to uni.

Sarah vine once wrote at piece about her extremely untidy daughter.

The other thing that helped my daughter was learning to cook and seeing the stages of cooking a meal and clearing it up...it was a way of seeing practical steps in action every day. Also multiple bins in bedroom vathroom and focusing on emptying them as a baby step.

My daughter also alternates between active energetic states and "lazy" states. She always has. It's conservation of her mental strength. When we impose a different rhythm on someone like this" do this do that it won't take you five minutes" - you miss out that for them it feels like a searing intrusion on that vital effort they are making to galvanise themselves into doing ANYTHING at all !!! Getting to college and staying there and interacting with others requires almost s superhuman effort sometimes so the sound of someone asking but why haven't you done this and this and that compounds the sense of failure.
We used to watch lots of telly with our teenage daughter - non judgemental bonding and go to Tesco with her on little grocery shops on foot.

To add, my daughter has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) and any request to do anything was always met with what appeared to be a tantrum ( it's actually a panic attack).

She can keep her flat she shares with her boyfriend tidy now because it is on her terms. She couldn't do it at home because she liked living in chaos here and her adhd didn't help but I could not encourage her to fix it because she would see that as a Demand.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your responses. She was prescribed adhd meds but only took the pill for one day and now absolutely refuses to talk about taking meds unfortunately.
I guess I just plough on and accept it’s how it will be. I’ve just started a full time role after years of being mainly at home and that’s one reason I’m finding the mess more stressful because I just won’t have time to clear up after her.
I have often wondered about PDA over the years.