Family references

[amb8619]

Several years ago, my husband and I started the adoption process, but it became quickly apparent the timing wasn't right, and we put things on hold. We're now thinking about starting the process again, but are somewhat concerned about one of our stumbling blocks from last time around - the family reference.
My husband comes from a very small family, and there's basically only his mum left. She's ageing, wary of technology, doesn't live in the UK, and doesn't speak English as a first language (and writes it even less, even though she's lived in an English speaking country for the past 40 years). But since she was really our only family reference, and she seemed happy to, we put her down (explaining to the SW team the situation). They sent her the reference questions by email, which flummoxed her, and it seems that she answered them all with one word ('yes', 'don't know', etc.). When we tried to find a solution, all the agency would suggest was using a translator (which would have been massively culturally inappropriate for several reasons), so we reached a bit of a deadlock.
Does anyone have any experience of going through the process with difficulties on the family reference? I'm aware of why it's necessary, but it also seems a very frustrating thing to get in the way of the process, if that's what it comes down to.

For what it's worth, I do think you just have to find a way to jump through their hoops, sorry.

Do you have any other family who know you both well? You don’t need someone from both sides so I’d start by thinking if there’s someone else you could use on your side.

If not, does she have someone who could talk her through the questions and help her answer them with more information? Failing that I’d speak to the assessing agency. People adopt without having any immediate family, so it’s not a dealbreaker - I assume she will be limited in her involvement in family life given she lives at a distance. What’s the rest of your support network like? Any longstanding “family-like” friends who could act as referees? There will be a way through it.

I do think you’ll struggle to argue using an interpreter is culturally inappropriate - could she write her answers in her first language and you provide a certified translation?

I'm not originally from the UK; English wasn't taught in my country until recently so I was in the same situation. One of my family members does speak a decent level of English though, so she did the interview with social services.

Why would a translator be culturally inappropriate? It sounds like a very reasonable solution. Social workers need to make sure you and your husband are suited to adopt, and they need to understand his history, background and motivations to make sure he is prepared for adoption.

Not knowing English can pose an important communication barrier between her and the child you and your husband adopt, too. My family made an effort to learn more English, and I would encourage your MIL to learn English too. If she lives in an English speaking country, it only makes sense. As an immigrant, I find it shocking that she's been living in an English speaking country for 40 years and can't speak English or write it very well.

How close is she to you and your husband? In terms of your relationship rather than geographically... can you speak her language, how much do you envisage her having to do with your family in the future? It might not really be so relevant to have her as a referee and I think you could explain that.

My mother in law lives in another country and doesn't speak English, SW seemed completely flummoxed about the idea of someone not speaking any English! We asked for an interpreter but in the end we just didn't have a reference from my partner's family. I can't understand why an interpreter would be culturally inappropriate; they would usually be trained to be culturally sensitive and have a reasonable understanding of the culture(s) of the languages they are interpreting.

They want to check if there are any red flags behaviour wise which a parent would likely know about - they will not be influenced by the fact she won't be involved going forward.

They are much stricter about family and ex partner references because in the early 2000s there was a case where an adopted child was killed by the adoptive father andvit turned out ex partners and family came forward to say he had been violent. So they want to check.

Yes that makes total sense!
In our case (recently) they just weren't bothered about following up on references from family and exes in another country- sounds like they should have been.