Friend adopting little one - how to help!

[Flooloop]

I’ve read a few threads, but I’m looking for some specific advice about my friend who is adopting a 1 year old, when she has a 5yo son at home already.

It’s not quite the same as being thrust into parenthood as she’s already experienced in that. Our older kids are friends and her new adoptive little one will be same age as one of mine, so hoping it will be easy for us to get together at the same things.

What is some practical help I can offer? I’ve obviously been talking to her throughout the process, have offered useful clothes and toys etc

I’ve also offered to look after her older one if she needs. I guess I see her as very capable so I don’t want to overstep, but I don’t want to underestimate and not be supportive enough!

any tips?

Congratulations to her!one thing I thought of reading your kind post is that she will need to be the one doing all the care for the little one,so be mindful of things around that-if little one comes to you for help or anything else just direct them back to mummy,eg little one falls over,just be oh let's get your mummy,don't step in.if little one comes and hugs you gently say ah here's your mummy for a hug and kindly direct them to her.doing all you can to help little one understand there is a difference between you and their mummy.even like they show you a stone say oh your mummy loves stones like that doesn't she,let's show her! Strengthen that their mummy is the one to feed them etc.i always found it hard when kind friends stepped in thinking they were helping by doing things for little one but actually that was just more confusing for little one,if you see what I mean.its a lot for a little one to learn a new mummy so just supporting that mummyness is key.
Giving attention/fun to the older child is helpful,I think,as the mum guilt on being torn between two is high is if the older one if comfortable with you doing some fun and attention may help yes.for her listening is probably really helpful too,so with same age children a soft play visit with coffee or something may be useful when they've settled,which may take a long long time so just being there when she needs you.
You are kind to think ahead and it will be tough at the start but it's good she has your support.

@tonyhawks23 thanks so much for this. So with the mummy mummyness thing- I’m so happy to be on board with this, and I get that I might think I’m being helpful by trying to help but it’s not. Thing is, she’s been so brilliant when I’ve had my hands full with my three boys that I’d feel bad not helping out if I could, but I can see it’s much more complex than that.
the older is a birth child and we already have a great relationship so perhaps jm
best to really focus on him (whilst being welcoming etc to the newbie) but trying to help that way?

Hi, adoptive grandmother here. It is lovely that you are thinking in advance how to support your friend. Before my grandchild was placed, I talked with my daughter about things I could do to help. As well as taking care not to overstep the mark in getting involved with LO, I did things like making meals for their freezer when they were going through introductions and in the early days of placement. I took their cat to the vet when she was ill, got bits of shopping in, all those little practical things that seem like nothing but made a huge difference when my daughter and son in law were on their knees with tiredness. Also, that thing of being there for chats and cups of tea! I hope all goes well for your friend xx

Yep mrsmatty is completely right,I'd let her know you are absolutely there to support her and ask her in advance to ask anytime she needs help, if she knows she can be honest in what she needs as she goes through it it will be a help.it sounds like your friendship is close anyway so will be like that naturally.practical help like Mrs Matty says.it's like having a newborn,you can't leave them alone at all,so you'll know what's that like and imagine it as as having a newborn,but one you can't have anyone else do any care for (as building the attachment is key).card and gift is nice too!

@MrsMatty @tonyhawks23 thank you both, that’s really helpful.
im going to have a chat next time i see her anyway and be upfront and ask her to be - she usually is!
will definitely be sensitive to not overstepping

A friend of mine came round one evening a week, after my children were in bed.

She brought food with her and cooked me a meal, then washed up and tidied away - all while chatting and making me feel like a normal human being.

It was heaven. By helping me relax, eat well and have company she hugely supported my parenting in an indirect way.

You sound like a really great friend, Flooloop.

Even though your friend is an experienced parent, adopting is a whole other ball game. She’ll be parenting a new child, who is terrified and has lost everything they know, without the capacity to process that or the language skills to tell her what they’re feeling. The early days, weeks, months can be very hard going and very deskilling.

Be there for her, to listen without judgement. Try not to compare or talk about “all kids go through X stage”, remind her how well she’s doing in a very unusual situation. Offer very practical help - laundry, cleaning, providing meals, taking her older one to the park etc. Be guided by her in terms of the little one - yes ideally she should go all the care but equally if she’s worn out, at the end of her tether and just needing a break it’s better to take little one out in the pram so she can get a shower or a nap that have her overwhelmed. She may have clear ideas about what she “should” be doing, so support her in that even if you think it makes no sense to you. She’ll have lots of information about settling and parenting an adopted child, some of which is great, some not so good so just be there while she picks her way through what works for her.

Seconding what
@Jellycatspyjamas said. Reading a bit about therapeutic parenting helps to understand their struggles better as well. I know that at first I felt like my friends didn't know what I was talking about when we chatted about our lives as parents! First steps in parenting the child who hurts (by Caroline Archer) is a good and short book, imo.

You sound like a great friend, and I am sure your friend will appreciate you being there for the new addition to the family.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you - that’s a good way of looking at it. Hadn’t thought about the situation being like a newborn but I can see that there are similarities, although harder because newborns sleep so much! I hadn’t really thought about her not being able to let them out of her sight, but that makes sense.

@QuercusIlex I will read up. I’ve seen her model a lot of this already, seems like a parenting appt that everyone can learn from, so I will have a read

That sounds like an amazing friend. Maybe I’ll be able to start a similar tradition!

There’s a recent thread on here by someone who adopted a toddler age child - I think they were just a year old. She was having a very tough time getting her little one to settle at all.

While it may not be the same for your friend, children do regress when they have a move so they need care that matches their developmental age, which can be much younger than their chronological age. It’s not so much that she can’t take her eyes off her, more that the little one absolutely needs her to be very close by. In their minds if they can’t see her or touch her, she completely disappears, which is very scary for a baby. My two were older when placed, 4 and 6, and they were literally velcroed to me for a good 6 months. Even though they could cognitively understand I was in the kitchen, where they could see me, emotionally they couldn’t tolerate me not being in touching distance.

We naturally try to foster some independence in even small children, but for newly placed kids they need to be very dependent. I think if you understand that and support her in keeping the wee one very close you’ll not go far wrong.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for sharing that, it’s really helpful