adopting after biological children to balance the family...

[mummydoc]

Hi , I have 2 dd aged 8 and 3 , i had to have an emergency hysterectomy during delivery of dd2 , this hasn't bothered me much as was happy with 2 but lately have started thinking if i had the chance would i have gone for number 3? and so i raised the possibility of adoption with dh, he said he didn't think he would have wanted 3 children but given the chance to try for a boy may have gone ahead, so he thought adoption would be a good idea as we could get a boy ( sorry that came out all wrong) on paper it sounds so awful ..." oh we will adopt a boy to even out the family" i object to embryonic selection on sex terms , and surely this is just the same, but i still cannot get it out of my head or heart ....please tell me it is nonsense and we would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.

only you can decide that, but i dont think its wrong to want a boy if you have to girls if you could adopt and are willing to i dont see why you cant say i would like a boy

Is your worry that you don't think you should have a sex preference, or you don't think wanting a boy is a good enough reason to adopt?

I don't think there's anything wrong with either per se - I am applying to adopt, in order to complete my family, and have expressed a preference for a girl. The social worker didn't turn a hair, though warned me that expressing a preference would obviously narrow my options (though girls are more in demand than boys).

But you need to be clear about what you are taking on when you apply to adopt. Social services will want to be reassured that you understand the differences between adoption and having a birth child, and that you are prepared for the complex needs of adopted children. They will probably want your younger daughter to be 2 or 3 years older than any child you adopt. I feel sure they will want to explore why you want a boy and what that means to you, just to be sure that your expectations are realistic e.g. if your dh assumes that a son will want to play football with him, that may need to be gently challenged.

I wouldn't judge you but I don't know how the authorities would view it. In a parallel universe I would have loved to have adopted a baby girl from china.

there are so many things you have no control over in adoption. So many issues a child might have when coming to you. It's such a demanding process.

Your DH feeling he woul like a boy isn;t the worst thing in the world.

This child will already exist, it already is a boy, fewer people want to adopt boys. Provided that your DH doesn't have urealistic expectations of what having a son is goingto be like or what potential problems a child might come with then I don;t see a big problem personally.

mummydoc - there are MANY boys in the care system in teh Uk awaiting adoption. They are mostly school aged and many have special needs of diffenet types.Some are in sibling groups and need placed together, many are of mixed heritage and need a family who can reflect that. All will have attachment issues and most will have suffered abuse and neglect.

if you think you coudl offer a home to one or more of these boys i would urge you to find out more. You would need a spare bedroom and one parent at home full time, at least for teh first few years. Any child placed woudl be at least two years younger than your youngest so you have plenty time to find out more about this.

good luck

oops sorry wrong link

adoption uk here

thankyou for your very understanding replies, since reading them i have really thought about all the issues and needs an adopted child might have . I htink in my head i had thought a little boy would just slot in nicely to give us the complete family , very unrealisitic i know, now i feel more settled with the 2 girls . thanks again though.