Starting the adoption process

[KarenJane12]

Hello,

We are just looking for some advise. Myself and wife (same-sex couple) have a meeting with an adoption agency yesterday we got asked the usual questions. One question that popped up was about mental health and I suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I have explain to the lovely lady that i did suffer bad as a child/teenager with Sef Har. After we spoke she said she would need to go back and have a meeting which is normal and bring in a health professional which i have heard can also be normal. But what i really what to know is will this stop us adopting? Has anyone else had this? I'm in a great place now and haven't done it in 7 years. I just don't want to get my hopes up if this wont happen for us.

Thank you for reading :)

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered, though I don't think any of us can tell you for sure what the outcome will be.

On the one hand, Social Work can value that people have been through challenges, sought help and come out the other side. However, adoption is stressful, both the process and the life post-placement, so they may have concerns about that triggering renewed episodes.

It's really hard to just wait and see. Good luck.

I think that the key thing is have you learned what triggers you and how to control that impulse. I am sure you have, and that shows you can move away from self destructive actions. That shows you have an awareness which is really helpful as a parent. The thing that can happen with parenting is it can be very stressful, at times, as well as rewarding. So, good to think how you will cope with any stressful situations, challenges etc, and go into the whole thing well prepared. Good luck. XX

Were in stage 1. It's not the same as bpd but I had a traumatic childhood and my wife is autistic and has anxiety and depression. What we did is go to 5 open days and question what the agency approach would be to this. Noone said an absolute no but you could totally tell it was more of an issue for some agencies than others. So we picked the one that seemed open minded. With bpd I would say because it's childhood trauma related then the process and adopted children could a trigger because you have to really dig deep about your past. So you need a really clear plan of how you manage and evidence of how you'd cope with a trigger. For example my wife also has physical disabilities and she's more gentle and maternal than me. I'm more energetic and jump around with the kids type (were both women) so we started off thinking she'd take maternity leave but when we really thought it through and particularly because we're aiming at adopting siblings we decided I would. She could do it but she'd be physically and emotionally spent by the end of the day which isn't great for a marriage. I think our agency liked we had really thought it through. We had quite a bit of knowledge going in as we're also social workers but we are really trying to educate ourselves from a personal point of view as social workers get to go home at the end of the day but adoption is 24/7 forever

It depends on how you are managing your bpd and how you frame it to the SW; if you manage it well, know your triggers and how to deal with them, it could become a key strength, especially if you end up matched with a child whose birth parents have a history of bpd, self harm or depression.

My wife and I (also same sex couple!) have no personality disorders, but I grew up with a sister who has one and I have to say, it was pretty tough. The adoption process made me remember some of her most severe episodes. If you had trauma in childhood, prepare for it to resurface, perhaps in ways you have not expected. Have a rough plan for when that happens and for how you will deal with it.

Have you cared for children before? If you can care for children of relatives or friends a couple of times a week, it might help you get a better picture of how you react to the stress of parenting - volunteering doesn't provide the same experience imo, since you've mostly following orders and rarely find yourself in a scenario in which you have to actually make choices, solve disagreements, discipline, provide some degree of emotional support, etc. Providing examples of how you deal with these situations will be really helpful with the assessments, best of luck!

It depends on how you are managing your bpd and how you frame it to the SW; if you manage it well, know your triggers and how to deal with them, it could become a key strength, especially if you end up matched with a child whose birth parents have a history of bpd, self harm or depression.

My wife and I (also same sex couple!) have no personality disorders, but I grew up with a sister who has one and I have to say, it was pretty tough. The adoption process made me remember some of her most severe episodes. If you had trauma in childhood, prepare for it to resurface, perhaps in ways you have not expected. Have a rough plan for when that happens and for how you will deal with it.

Have you cared for children before? If you can care for children of relatives or friends a couple of times a week, it might help you get a better picture of how you react to the stress of parenting - volunteering doesn't provide the same experience imo, since you've mostly following orders and rarely find yourself in a scenario in which you have to actually make choices, solve disagreements, discipline, provide some degree of emotional support, etc. Providing examples of how you deal with these situations will be really helpful with the assessments, best of luck!