Adoption advice/experience

[Riverbedlily]

I’m 42 and have been with DH since we were both 18. I’m very lucky that we have a strong and stable marriage. When we were younger, I never had a burning desire to be a mother. I’m a teacher and felt like my maternal side was fulfilled with the kids I taught. We always thought that children would happen though. Fast forward to age 37 and we started trying for a baby and were lucky to get pregnant within about 6 months. Unfortunately, I had a missed miscarriage and had to have a D&C due to how far along I was in the pregnancy. We had already had a scan and everything was fine then so were hopeful. There were issues with the surgery and my uterus was ruptured which has cause some ongoing issues. I also suffer from adenomyosis. Since then, we’ve had one chemical pregnancy (naturally) and three failed rounds of ivf. I am keen to delve further down the adoption route and have participated in an initial online information meeting. However, DH has his reservations which I totally understand. His main issue is with the ongoing contact that is encouraged with birth parents and how that may impact our experience. His other worry is the high number of adoptees with traumatic backgrounds and I guess the whole nature/nurture debate. I think because of my job, I’m just more used to dealing with kids from all different backgrounds and those that have these issues and can see beyond it. I would really appreciate any feedback from you guys if you’ve adopted and what your experience has been - the good, the bad and the ugly. Thank you ❤️

Adopted my little boy when he was 2. He is now 6.

The adoption process was very hard. Many hoops, all the questions, lots of emotions. Now I know the ending, I would do it a million times over and more for our boy.

He is just wonderful! He is our whole world. We love a holiday together, he’s in year 2 and all on track across the board, has a lovely little friendship group. Life is very, very ‘normal’ (including the battles of ‘yes, you do have to clean your teeth tonight’ and ‘just at least try the broccoli please’.) He does have a history and we have been very (age appropriately) honest with him since he came home. People who don’t know him would describe him as shy because he does take a bit to warm up and relax in front of people. He loves a cuddle, to build Lego and magnatile cities that take over his whole bedroom floor and to negotiate one more biscuit.

When he first came home, we had letterbox for a few times a year. Birth parents only engaged once with this and now we just write once a year. In my adoption friend group, this is also the same. One yearly letterbox contact. My friends do still see their children’s foster carers but unfortunately that wasn’t possible for us.

Direct contact is extremely rare and you can say this isn’t something you’d be comfortable with and therefore wouldn’t be matched with children where that was the plan.

@Riverbedlily
Sorry for your losses and struggles.
Its quite natural and normal to have concerns and reservations.
Adoption is so complex and multi faceted.
I adopted 14 years ago. We did have direct contact but it fizzled out after a couple of years because birth dad failed to show up so I stopped trying.
I know very few families with direct contact when the children were young. However one of the fundamental things you have to accept about adoption is that there is another birth family that your child has the right to know about. Its much more common for children to get to their teens and want to have some kind of contact. So I do know many families where older teens/ young adults have reconnected on some level. But many don't my own son is 21 and has no interest at the moment. Maybe that will change in the future, if it does I will support him. I am secure in my relationship as his mum. His birth mum is no threat to that and I never forget that without her, I wouldn't have him. You are more likely to maintain your relationship with your child if you accept they exist and support.
Its very hard when you are at this stage and thinking about children and birth families in an abstract way. But another thing you will come to understand is that birth families are not always horrendous monsters. Of course some have committed serious crimes against their children, but many are very troubled people, with poor mental health, learning difficulties etc etc. At times I have felt very negatively about my sons birth parents but when I look at their histories I can see that mum in particular never really stood a chance of caring for her children. Now I just see a very sad woman who has lost 4 sons to adoption and care.
All children who are adopted have a background with trauma, how that manifests in the individual child varies enormously. Some children are very complex, others not so much.
You probably should research ASD, ADHD, developmental trauma, FASD as a start.

That can sound frightening. My son has ASD and developmental trauma, we have had some very tough times but have weathered our storms and he is a third year student at uni, with a job and a car. He has come a long way from the frightened 8 year old I brought home.
Many many adoptive families live pretty ordinary lives, we go to work, kids go to school, we go on holiday. Yes we often have to do things differently, parent differently but you find your way.
Ultimately adoption is a bit of a gamble, but for most of us it turns out OK.

Hi. Adoption is very much about parenting a child with a trauma background. That can be daunting for many people. It is true that it can be extremely challenging - about one third of adopted children have relatively few problems, another third have significant problems but the family gets by, and a third are exceptionally challenging, often with the children returning to care.

I can't sugar coat it for you. But equally it is an amazing thing to do if you think you can.

I don't have enough adjectives to tell you how gentle, brave and extraordinarily my LOs are. They came through EP which was incredibly difficult but the best decision I ever made. We attempted to maintain face to face contact but birth mum wasn't managing so now we do letters. As @Ted27 says moving towards a place of compassion about birth families is important. For me, always making it clear to LOs that I will be there to support contact has been positive. Also through EP, knowing birth family was important and really helped me feel very secure in maintaining contact as appropriate to LOs age. I too came to adoption following loss. I can not imagine my family any other way. My son's are the light of my life.

Some aspects of Adoption are said to be simple if one follows the roadmap, but that is not the case, even with an (Expensive) solicitor on board. I am now seriously thinking of using SGO (one step back from adoption) and going to my local family court and representing myself. Anybody used that route? What are the legalities if one has cared for the child for over one year in this instance?