It's early, sorry, but Christmas dilemma

[Nel81]

Hi, I apologise for a Christmas thread in September but I'm unsure what to do. My son,7, has been home just over 3 years and over the last few Christmases we have gone out for dinner on Christmas day with my mother, my sister and her family (8 of us altogether). My son has mentioned not going this year, he loves the family but struggles with eating out with them. It was my mother's 80th birthday last week and, although he spent time colouring and my nephew took him outside, he was loud and unhappy when the food came out hot. This led to a meltdown which my brother in law had an opinion on and made him worse. I'm worried about that happening again in a crowded place but I also don't want to miss out on family time as I don't know how many more Christmases we'll have all together. I've explained and my sister has explained to my brother in law that I will deal with F but it never seems to go in. Any advice welcome x

If he has mentioned it to you now then it seems like he is already getting stressed about it.
Personally I wouldn't go, you risk rising anxiety levels as it approaches and ruining your whole Christmas.
Can you compromise by just going for dessert or inviting the family to your home at some point.
If your family aren't getting it after 3 years, it is time to make a stand.
I do sympathise with the thoughts that time is limited. We haven't had a Christmas with family since 2019. After Covid my mum was in too poor health to have us stay. This year her mental health has fallen off a cliff so its unlikely that we will even go.

Could you go out for a meal with family before or after Christmas instead? Maybe even in someone’s house for a low key meal or buffet?
I think it’s good that DS has asked not to go on Christmas Day. Doesn’t sound like fun for him.
I understand your worry about a family Christmas but Christmas while a child is young is special too. You won’t get that time back.
I’d be telling family you want a quiet family Christmas at home on the day. Maybe you could visit your DM with her gift.

It would be a no from me as well, unless there's a part of the day that's more accessible for your DS so you could join for that bit. Stay at home and start building Christmas traditions that work for you and your family, including fish fingers, or whatever your son's favourite is, if that would make the day better for him. Christmas doesn't need to conform to other people's expectations of what it should look like. Personally, I'd suggest something outdoorsy, like a walk in the woods, to connect with family on boxing day.

Thank you. I'm more decided now that we will stay at home and spend the day our way. I can't really afford it anyway so I'd rather have the money to spend on something he'd enjoy x

Wonderful. Make your own traditions.

We have a buffet evening meal at home with family coming over to us after the 'main events' of the day.

It means the stress levels have reduced, I can put a Christmassy film on and people just help themselves to a plate whenever they are ready - which further reduces stress around food expectations.

It allows us to have the morning, and an inevitable late lunch, by ourselves. My sister and her children usually come over for a walk with us in the afternoon - which serves as a regulator before more family join us and allows a stepped approach to socialising.

We still have the time with family, who often stay after my children are in bed, but it is far less stressful than when we used to meet up for the main meal.

(We did try Christmas breakfast one year but that was a disaster!)

I think you’re doing the right thing especially given that he was self aware enough and brave enough to verbalise this to you, that’s special ❤️

My 7 year old has started being able to express his own needs more this year and we’re encouraging this , making sure we listen & let him know how important it is that he has a voice in the family decisions.

We can’t always do what he wants but we make sure we discuss the reasons why and try & reach a compromise if there is a suitable one!

feels like they have so little control over so much it’s nice to be able to give them some when it’s possible!!

Lots of adopters become isolated as their child's needs mean they can't socialise for whatever reason. It is so hard, as either you retreat in anticipation of problems or family/friends force it, maybe after a particular incident.

There are no easy answers. But do think about keeping relationships going - other people don't understand and won't be able to hear about early trauma etc.

I’m a ‘Christmas is for the kids’ believer so agree with everyone else that you follow your son’s lead! Make your own Christmas traditions that will allow all of you to enjoy a lovely day together!

I tend to see Christmas as ‘Christmas week’ to be honest so Christmas Day we may just have my parents over, see my brother Boxing Day, chilled day, then aunty day etc etc! It helps!

We nearly always to some sort of big family do, and last year, we stayed at home just the four of us and honestly, it was probably the most relaxed lovely Christmas's our family have had in 9 years!

I agree with PP, if your son has asked to stay home, listen to him and make your own Christmas traditions. You can always ask others to join you, but the great thing is, in your home, it's all your rules.