I hope you don't mind me posting on this group

[topcat2014]

We were approved adopters, and a little boy of 6 was placed with us. We disrupted after 7 weeks. It was my wife's choice. This was about 6 years ago now. I still think about this person most days. He will be 13 now. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, so this is the only window I have.

HI @topcat2014

Goodness, I can't believe it was 6 years ago.
I don't suppose you are allowed news of him.
I think its only natural to think about what might have been at times, particularly if you see friends children reaching milestones like becoming a teenager.
Adoption can be brutal
Are you not able to talk to your wife about it.

You are always welcome here

Hi Ted, our DD is 18 and off to uni, so empty nest is round the corner. I had a few therapy sessions. A former work colleague told me not to waste the life you have thinking about the life you wanted, which i thought was good advice. On the whole i think moving forwards is best, but also in my heart i think i would have been a good father to 'AS'.

@topcat2014

I'm sure you would have been a great dad to him, but that's great advice from your work colleague.
My son is off for his final year next week. The first week without him was dreadful but I suppose I'm used to the absence now.
And of course I've had my fosterlings to keep me busy.
Fostering has been a difficult journey for me. The first child was with me for 11 months, it broke my heart to end it, his leaving was very traumatic and like you I think about him a lot, but also worry a lot too because I think he will end up back in the family orbit.

It sounds like good advice, but you have to be able to follow it. Is there someone you can talk to about this boy? Would getting some information help you? Could you contact his former social worker or agency for a (general) update? Have you tried doing something symbolic to find better closure?

Some people can put things in the back of their minds and move forward, others need to dig as deep as they can before being able to move forward. It has been six years and you are thinking about him most days. It might be time to go about this differently.

I remember reading your story at the time, your pain was so evident. I hope you can find a way through it. Best wishes.

Thanks all. I'm feeling a bit better this week.. just helps to have things like this MN board to offload sometimes.

topcat, I remember your posts very well and felt so sad for you all. It must have been so, so hard. I do hope you manage to find some peace of mind. Take care.

@topcat2014
Hi there. I remember your story so well.and have often wondered how you.are doing. And your wife. Can't believe it was 6 yrs ago.
I think.some things cut so deep that there is no complete healing for them. Not that you dont find a way to get on with life and thrive again but the wound can be re opened, even partly, by all sorts of things and I guess the empty nest is a massive reminder of what could have been for your family.
You were in a position where you had to make an impossible choice really and one that would impact other people in one way or another. You made the decision to save your wife and existing family which must have been incredibly hard and involved so much heartbreak for yourself.Comfort yourself by knowing that you made the best decision you could at the time with the circumstances you faced and you dont know how things would have gone if you had made a different choice.

And yes I am sure you would have made a great adoptive dad. Take care x

There are a few really supportive groups on FB. There’s an Adoption Disruption & Breakdown group plus PATCH (our patch.co.uk).

@flapjackfairy thank you for that, that means a lot.