Would you ever meet your biological mother if you knew how awful they were?

[Amby99]

When I left home at 23 just over 3 yrs ago and comfortably settled down with my then boyfriend (now soon-to be husband) I began expediting the process of receiving adoption files. When I finally read them, I was horrifically shocked, but also unsurprised. Said birth ‘mother’ was addicted to crack cocaine, inhaling butane gas (I didn’t even know that was a thing), drinking, and possibly engaging in prostitution. I also read my neonatal notes and learnt she would leave the hospital for a couple days and randomly come back - just utterly horrific. Oh! And I was also born addicted to crack cocaine :(

My parents told me I was adopted from a young age and I wasn’t under any illusion she was anything but incapable but reading the file was still shocking in the sense my parents never told me all the details (probs too protect me - imagine learning about that as a teenager) - they 100% did the right thing.

Birth woman (I can’t call her a mother) had 5 other children besides me who were all eventually adopted. The first one had cerebral palsy very likely as a result of her drug use. It made me so angry.

I also felt some slight sympathy towards her as to how someone could get to that point.where were her parents? But from the file, social services really did try to help her (they tried to house her), but also they entrusted her too much for my liking. The sibling born before me, they actually let her take him home (after the cerebral palsy children) and she would leave the baby unattended so he was eventually adopted by his biological grandmother.

I’m 26 and I did get in touch with the sibling that was adopted by the grandmother. We’ve seen each other a couple of times but we don’t talk about our adoption, rather we just talk about current things going on in our lives (we keep it cheery).

He has previously told me that he does have means to get in touch with the birth woman and she’s been in touch with him but he has nothing to say to her. Most of the time, I feel like I wouldn’t gain anything from meeting her. I have no reason to. I’ve had a great life etc. But the other part of me worries I’ll regret it. Not because I want to form a bond but maybe just so I can say I met her. The file stated the mother didn’t know what ethnicity I was (she is white British ) but I look half Middle Eastern / Hispanic / North African and told the social worker she was raped and so doesn’t know the father. The ethnicity question I can always answer from an ancestry DNA test (god knows why I haven’t done one yet) and so I wouldn’t need to meet her to find out the answer to that because she won’t know it.

Luckily, I’ve never possessed any of the traits she has so there’s no ‘closure’ to be had. Sometimes I think it might make me more grateful for the life I’ve had. Or maybe I even want her to apologise, not that she should. She should be glad I ended up having a great life. I’d hate to think what I could’ve become if I was left with her

Anyway - would you meet your birth mother if you knew she acted like that whilst pregnant?

PS I’m in fact pregnant and so I think the meeting her ship has in fact sailed (I defo wouldn’t want her to meet my children) and not sure how it could affect me emotionally if I saw her whilst I was pregnant.

but I’ve been wondering in the background for ~ 3 years whether I should just meet her once?? What would you do?

@Amby99

I'm an adoptive mum so I can only give that perspective. Over the last 14 years I've been through every emotion possible with regard to my son's birth family.
His birth mother has lost 4 children to adoption and the care system. My son has one full sibling and two half siblings born 15 years after the first two.
I feel very sad for her that she has lost those children and she will never really see what they have made of their lives.
I feel sad for her pretty much wasted life and that she has been taken advantage of by dangerous men. I feel sad that she actually had a much worse life than my son did before he was taken into care, that she lost her mum at an early age and was kicked around family and foster care herself.
At times I have also felt a lot of anger towards her becsuse of the impact her life 'style' has had on my son.
I have also had similar thoughts and feelings towards his dad.
No one can tell you how to feel or how you should feel. Your have every reason to be angry and not give any part of your life to her by seeing her.
What I would say to you is that words on a page can be very stark. No one wants to be a drug addict, no woman really wants to be a prostitute. No woman wants to lose a baby to adoption.
I wonder what led her down that path. Many people use drugs and alcohol to self medicate. Maybe she was pimped out by men.
I've not said all of that to try and make you feel sorry for her or to encourage you to see her. That decision can only be for you. I do think you are right not to contact her while you are pregnant or even when you have your new born. Too many hormones and heightened emotions. But seeing her does not mean seeing your children.
I understand where your strong feelings are coming from but I wonder whether it would be more healthy for you if you could come to terms a bit more with her. That doesn't necessarily mean seeing her. I do think not talking about her with your sibling and your grandmother is the elephant in the room though. Do they know what her life is like now.
If I were you right now I would put this decision to one side for now. Enjoy your new baby. I'd get some counselling and open a conversation with your sibling.
Come back to it in a few years.

Thank you so much, and that’s exactly how I felt and my view when I read the file. People don’t choose to become those things, often it’s very poor life circumstances / events that lead to it. I wonder about the grandmother’s upbringing of my birth mother. I’ve never met her, she passed away but wld be incredibly offensive to ask my sibling whether he believes his grandmother had any influence on how our birth mother ended up like that - probably not if she was able to adopt him.

You seem really understanding - my parents are amazing and have brought me up very well, but when I told them I reached out to my siblings they were really really hurt, they both cried (I’ve never seen my dad cry) - mum cried saying she’s always felt inferior as a mother because she ‘didn’t give birth to me’ (I think because of her miscarriages) but I know it’s not something I can talk about with them because I it’s an incredibly sensitive topic. I guess it’s different for all adoptive parents and I think mine genuinely don’t see the ‘curiosity’ side of it and rather they think it’s an attack on them if I ever met the mother (they wouldn’t need to know)… to them they probably just think ‘ why on earth would I want to meet someone that treated her children like that’

@Amby99
I think its a shame your parents reacted the way they did. Personally Im very secure in my relationship with my son and see it as my job to support him in whatever he chooses to do. He's 21, so not much younger than you, and at the moment has no interest in meeting his birth mum. He is too busy getting on with his life.

When my son was 12 he had what is called therapeutic life story work. This doesn't just look at the bald facts, but delves into the why, because if my mum loved me enough she would have stopped taking the drugs wouldn't she? But life isn't as simple as that.
Both my sons birth parents have complex histories. Dad comes from what could be described as a 'good ' family. He is intelligent, educated, his sisters all have good careers. But he has mental health issues and fell into the wrong crowd. He is much more stable now and has another child who he lives with.
So families are complex and people change.
As your sibling was adopted in the family they will know other relatives who could give you some insight into what happened with your birth mother.
I really think there is much to be gained for you in exploring some of this with your sibling. I understand it would be difficult to broach it with them but it could be something that could happen over time. So for me it would be counselling first.
I will suggest this to you, you asked for your files, you contacted your sibling, you have posted here.
So you do have curiosity about your birth story. Deep down do you want that Why question answered?

My mother abandoned me when I was 6/7 on Paddington Station (no jokes) My father did pick me up a few minutes later but it seemed ages at that age! I did not see her again. I wrote to her having scrapped round for her address when I was 50 telling her about my job (midwife etc) and her grandchildren birth and adopted. I received a letter from her saying please do not contact me again you remind me of the worst time in my life!
I would never advise anyone to contact birth mother/father the second rejection hurt more than the first.

You've not said anything that makes her sound awful. Addiction is an illness and she most likely had horrendous things happening to her for her to turn to drugs in such a drastic way. This woman lost multiple children.

Having worked with people who were raped as babies, sold and passed around multiple men, fed dog food and drank drinks laced with semen, its not a competition but I really think you need to look at the bigger picture.

I get it, you had to be adopted, no need to look down on her as if she's a monster.

I'd also second the recommendation for therapeutic life story exploration - our family bond as adopters and teen was deeper after going through that careful and supported look at the detail of birth family life. Some of it made it easier to understand the possible "why" of some actions...some of it also helped the teen process hurt and rejection, by recognising that what happened was not OK, not their own fault, and some of it was not really defensible. I think one day they might want to try and talk to birth parents, but I feel it would now be from a much more secure and less raw position.

I think Hippocalipo is being very unfair. You can feel however you like about this woman, her actions have had long lasting impacts on your life and you’re entitled to let that direct your feelings on her.

What I would say is that very few people are just one thing. She’s clearly made some awful choices and done things that were very bad (both for you and the children she birthed). Most likely the reasons for those choices are complex - but it’s up to you how much you’re interested in that. You’re as much within your rights to say you don’t care about why as you are to want to understand the reasons as best you can.

If it were me personally (and I’m an adoptive mother so I’m not in your shoes), I would maybe write down any questions you have for her and discuss it with a therapist who deals with adoption.

I think you probably already know that there is no right way to do this. Plenty of adopted people meet their birth family - for some it’s the start of a relationship, for others it’s a one off that they’re glad they did and for others still, it doesn’t go well.
There are also plenty of people who choose not to have any contact.

You need to make the choice that’s right for you but as pp’s have said, I would definitely make sure you have all the support you need before you do it.

I received the adoption files and pretty much read all there was to know, with support from CORAM. As far as I know, it didn’t affect me emotionally (apart from being shocking quite literally at the time of reading knowing she engaged in such awful behaviour (drugs etc) during pregnancy. I suppose because I’m lucky enough to have such a loving and supportive family (adoptive) and have a very comfortable life… I suppose for my sibling who was brought up by the maternal grandmother might not feel the same way. The family looks like they’ve had a tough life.

The more I think about it the more I just feel sorry for her. I recently saw that she was on a homeless charity page of someone who they helped (she also lived life homeless) and she’s now ~60. She probably feels helpless

I guess if I did ever meet her / reach out , it would probably be to give her some closure because I’m sure not a day goes by where she feels guilty etc. I want her to know I turned out well. And then also maybe closure from my side so I don’t ever feel bad I never reached out if I were to learn of her passing.

I think meeting can bring some closure for both parties. Knowing what led to you being adopted and the struggles she had can engender sympathy. Knowing her behaviours that impacted your life so significantly can bring anger and even disgust. We feel what we feel and emotions are very complex - I have great empathy for my DC birth parents, I also feel anger at the impact her choices had on my DC long term, while also understanding how she got to that place. Multiple things can be true at the same time.

My younger daughter is 26 now and has never wavered in her hatred for her birth mother - the more information she was given, the angrier she got.

Her birth mother sounds quite similar to yours tbh. She too left the children. She has a pretty significant learning disability and in a perfect world probably shouldn't have been having children - her parents helped her a lot with her older kids but then she met our girls' birth father and he moved her away from the support (and he is an even bigger issue for my younger daughter as he has a criminal record).

So the learning disability explains a lot. My elder daughter also has a learning disability and she is more intrigued, but birth mother doesn't want any contact (long story).

How deeply distressing for you.

We were supposed to have letterbox contact three times a year with birth mother. She gave up after a few years, didnt want to know. But the letters she did send made her scapegoating of our elder daughter very clear. She clearly felt very negatively towards her. It meant we had to hide this from the girls and hope she would change, but she never did.

My beautiful boy’s birth mother was a drug addict, her 2 previous children were removed. Whilst pregnant with my boy she stayed clean and was allowed to take him home. When he was 8 months old she was found off the planet on crack cocaine and the baby nearly dead with meningococcal meningitis! He was left deafblind and cerebral palsy! The anger I still feel is so great and I will never forgive her! Some people never change, surely she should have put her baby first.
Fortunately my son hadn’t the capacity to decide to meet her.
Apologies to all you lovely people who have read this before!
Crikey this has been cathartic