Your experience of adoption

[AllyRose10]

My DH and I have two young (biological) DCs. We are tentatively discussing adopting a child. We feel we are materially able to do this and that it is something we would want to do. We have discussed it over the years but feel now is the time to start considering it more seriously. However we are conscious that it is a big undertaking and I have read a lot about difficulties linked with adoption. We find it difficult to assess what the emotional and psychological process of it is like. We wonder if anyone can share their experience - good, bad, regret, hope etc. We also wonder what age were the children anyone adopted and whether there are specific difficulties when adopting a child who is older than 2- we are aware of the desire for 0-2 year olds but we are not necessarily drawn to that; except that we wonder if adopting an older child isn’t simply more challenging for the child and the adoptive family.

basically for now we wonder if anyone has pearls of wisdom about adoption, that we can read and digest whilst we make a decision as to whether we are fully ready.

thank you all.

Hi Ally,

The process itself is very tough to go through. Your whole life will be put under the microscope and it is very intrusive - which obviously it needs to be but it's difficult to go through. After approval the waiting to be matched time is also very stressful and an important motionally rollercoaster ( we waited over a year to be matched and some of the decisions as to why we were not matched with various children were laughable). So it's definitely not for the faint hearted!

As you have biological children I would advise a big age gap between the adopted child and your youngest biological child. We had a five year age gap which I feel was right - our biological child was more independent and was able to understand why his younger adoptive sibling had to have the majority of our attention.

I think adopting a child over the age of 2 has definite advantages - any sen needs are likely to be apparent and so you will know exactly what you are dealing with and therefore an older child is likely to come with a support package in place. Needs will have been identified and the therapy needed to address those needs. When adopting a younger child (ours was 13 months at placement and turned out to have complex needs ) it's unclear what those needs will be.

Also older children can also be more positive towards adoption - they understand what has happened with their birth family and can actually want a forever family. This doesn't mean that they haven't been traumatised by their experience but they are able to articulate their feelings better.

There are lots of books out that you can read - such as The primal wound, 20 things I wish my adoptive family knew about me, parenting the child who hurts, therapeutic parenting, etc all very good ( sorry the names of the authors escape me!).
Look at Beacon House website which has loads of information about trauma and attachment difficulties and how to deal with it.
Also read up on conditions such as ADHD, ASD, specific learning difficulties etc. these conditions tend to have a strong genetic element. There are reasons why birth parents are unable to put their children's needs first and lead such chaotic lives and that's because a lot of them also have undiagnosed conditions. So always remember that adopted children could very well have developmental conditions as well as attachment/developmental trauma problems.

Good luck with it all xxx

Hi, adoptee here and I of course think it’s the best thing to have ever happened to me. From what I know about my parents story back in the 90s - matching was incredibly hard and they really did have a battle for me. So I’d imagine the process is even stricter now. My father is 13 years older than my mum and so the panel questioned whether he was ‘too old’ to be a father at 50. Well, I’m 26 and he is 76 and he’s fit as a fiddle! So I’m glad they made the right decision.

I believe my parents got their hopes up regarding previous suggested matches before me, from what I gather it is an emotional rollercoaster but probably more so for my parents because my mum had about 8 miscarriages. Given you have children already, hopefully the process won’t be as emotionally draining and you seem like you’re in a great position to adopt!

I was placed with my parents at ~ 6 months and for me, I’m so grateful because I don’t remember anything from my horrific beginnings in life. I for sure remember stuff from when I was 3, and so personally I would want to adopt a baby rather than a toddler that night remember things if they’ve had a rocky past but that’s just my perspective as an adoptee!

Hi @AllyRose10 how old are your children if you don’t mind me asking?

there are lots of threads on here about adopting with biological children so worth having a search & a read. Some good book & website suggestions above.

I don’t have biological children so can’t comment on that aspect.

what I can say is that adoption is the bravest and the most difficult thing I have ever done and I haven’t had a challenge free life!!

We live with the consequences of our lo’s early life every day and have to be ok with that because it’s just the way it is, will your other children be able to understand this?

We’ve been incredibly blessed in some ways & have great support from professionals & family, some days we feel like we’re winning and others it feels like we’ll never make it through!

but we do and we wouldn’t change our crazy chaotic world.

it isn’t for the faint of heart but the cuddles are out of this world!

I wish you well with whatever you decide

@Amby99 lovely to hear your view too thank you for sharing, our lo is 7 now and was placed at 4/12. At the moment he is so angry that he can’t remember his biological dad, we have pictures and letters but it’s tough helping him through it as it isn’t fair in his world!

It’s comforting to know one day his perspective may change and I’m glad you have happy memories 💞

@AllyRose10

I adopted 13 years ago and been around adoption forums for about 16 years. The debate about whether its better to adopt a younger or older child has always been a hot topic.
So my pearl of wisdom is too look at the individual child first and foremost.
To my surprise I found myself adopting an 8 year old mixed race boy with ASD. The idea of ASD worried me, until I did some proper research. What I discovered was that I could meet the needs of this particular boy with his specific level of need.

We have had a lot of ups and downs but today he is a happy, healthy, car driving third year university student. His cup is always half full not half empty. He has a smile which lights up the room, everyone he meets adores him, particularly women of a certain age who just want to give him a hug. And he laps it up. He is the best decision I ever made in my 60 years on this planet.
My other pearl of wisdom is the often quoted adopters phrase, adoption is a marathon not a sprint.
You can have months, even years when everything is fine, then you can run into problems. The teenage years are the prime years for this. Most of us are able to ride the storms. Sadly some adoptions don't work out, not without great pain and anguish and certainly not because the adopters weren't up to the job. Sometimes the level of need is just too much for a family environment.

You don't say how old your children are but be aware that you can't adopt a child older than the existing children and most agencies ask that the adopted child is a minimum of two years younger than your youngest child

Don't do this to your birth children. The first thing you mention is being materiallyin a place to offer space etc. This is not what adopted children most need - undivided 24/7 attention is what the need.

I think what you are suggesting is lovely, but high risk for you and your children.

Most children adopted in the UK come from backgrounds that mean they face considerable challenges in many areas of their lives. It can be very rewarding to parentvthese children, but it can be a job in its own right. It is one thing to do this as a stand-alone parent, but to do it with existing children is difficult. For one thing, you may find that the parenting strategies that worked well with your birth children don't work with a traumatised child. Then there is the time you have to devote to sorting things out for them - meetings with services for example. They often have quirky needs - going on holiday can be a challenge for example. They can be extremjely ealous of siblings.

Social workers may not be entirely honest with you about the difficulties as they will be so keen to place a child.

Imo you should proceed with extreme caution.

We adopted getting on for 20 years ago, siblings aged 2 and 8.
Both were fine until they weren't both hitting issues around age 16.
I wouldn't adopt with birth children without a big age gap.

As adoptive parents I would advise you to think extremely carefully. Ours were both fabulous children but as they got older their issues caused by early years trauma became very apparent. It has been massively challenging and stressful despite help from social services over the years. Please take time to read about the abuse suffered by adoptive parents and the lack of support. We have met with several other families over the years who have had problems like ours and some much worse.