@JLO1911 this sounds very difficult.
I would agree of all of the above (apart from the one about medication and foster care, @Muffinmam wtaf lol)
It does sound like her brother causes her to be in a bit of fight or flight. Have you tried the name it to tame it? It might help her to work out what she is feeling. You could wonder a bit about the difference in how she feels when she is there or her brother is. She might be jealous, but she might also be a bit scared you will prefer him over her and be acting out to get attention.
I wonder if she is scared of the animals.my youngest is still a bit scared of our cat, and when he is riled up goes after her because he knows if will get a instant reaction. He loves her, but he can't read her body language (same for humans lol) and so her behaviour confuses him. She also moves quickly and startles him, and he doesn't like her in his bedroom at night.
She sounds very sensory seeking.and impulsive. Have you tried chewellery, sensory swings, weighted blankets etc? Mine are currently obsessed with a vibrating guineapig and it's worked wonders to in help them regulate and sit still.
I wouldn't worry too much about the lying. It's very typical, yes for their age, but especially for adopted kids who have been through trauma and might have delayed understanding of their impact on the world. It's shocking for lots of people but she is testing whether you do know the truth, what will happen when you find out the truth, how shockable you are etc. we just say "oops, I shouldn't have asked you that as a question. Mama knows you did xyz, how do you want to fix it? A cloth or a sponge?" Same for the throwing and hitting- it's probably not normal for most kids at that level, but it isn't unusual for kids with early trauma. My little one (same age as yours) does exactly the same. We just removed the toys that caused chaos if they were thrown and keep the precious ones out of reach. If your son wants to do Lego, can he do it in his bedroom and put it up high or after she does to bed? Our youngest loves stuff that is dramatic to throw when he is cross, so we redirect to what he can throw or do to get the feelings out. So we say he should shout or stamp his feet or something physical, rather than throwing or hitting.
Unfortunately yeah, childcare options for us become limited because their behaviour can be extreme or shocking to people who don't know their history. It isn't shocking to most adopters, so I'm glad you found this board!
It sounds a bit like you have quite a mixture of strategies though, and you might benefit from going back to basics and working on the one or two most impactful behaviours and ignoring the rest. For example, we dropped all demands about being grumpy, eating everything on their plate, shouting, swearing, being generally away, but we drew a very hard and fast rule around hitting/hurting and hygiene-they have to have a bath every day. Apart from that, we have structure and routine, but reduce demand wherever possible. It worked, and we went from physical fights every day between the two of them to the odd normal level sibling spat.
In terms of getting help, the hurting animals thing is usually shocking enough to get non trauma specialist professionals to sit up and take notice, so in that way you'll get faster referrals because everyone will think that you have a mini serial killer on your hands because of the TV shows, but every single trauma informed adoption experienced therapist I've worked worked with for for kids has emphasised that for kids that young, it's not the most terrible thing in the world- probably a combination of impulsivity, a lack of development in understanding how or what other creatures feel and the dopamine rush of getting everyone to run around and get upset.
Definitely get reception on it though, there is a separate pot of money for kids under 5 to get assessed for an ehcp, so they might be able to get her assessed. FASD could be a very real possibility here, don't let them ignore that as it can impact on how various behaviours can be supported. I would suggest asking your gp to refer you on for that, going prepared with any documents etc.
If you want actual strategies for getting her to stop going for the animals, you could look at a few things. We had to do loads with our two. Role play with teddies how to care for the dog, and how they might feel. Get her to teach a baby doll about how to stroke the doggy kindly. Give her a specific job about caring for it and paradise her. Have her practice stroking kindly on something and praise her amen she does it right. Include the animal in drawings, conversations, prayers, and point out desirable features of it- what a lovely fluffy tail your drew! How would it feel? You could point out dogs on TV as well, bring them into the conversation. We also have a rule that if the cat goes into our bedroom, they can't follow her. then we obviously minimise contact between them. If your kid is dysregulated frequently, to be honest it increases the chance that there will be a incident, and it seems unkind to all parties to keep putting them in proximity where they might get hurt. Keep the dog in a separate room if at all possible, absence makes the heart grow fonder etc.
Have you considered reaching out to local adopters groups for support?
Finally, a reminder for self care. It's a tough gig, is parenting, particularly when adoption is involved, and I bet it's exhausting adjudicating between the pair of them. Make sure you have enought time for a cup of tea and a sit down at least once every couple of days!