Just ranting

4 replies

Pollylong · 14/08/2025 16:09

Ranting because I don’t have anywhere else to turn, and don’t want to scream into the void.

youngest starts school in sept, started some school transition in May as it’s going to be tricky for her.

home life has been increasingly difficult since the transitions started. We are now at the point that every bed time she screams insults at us and throws stuff at us, and last night woke at midnight and started all over again. It relentless.

just found out today the day after she starts school our adoption allowance will stop, dispute us explaining all of this. This means that my part time worker husband will have to increase his hours the same time she starts school.

i work full time, we are in our overdrafts within a week of pay day, every months at the
moment so we can’t afford for him not to work full time to cover the lose of adoption allowance and start keeping us in the black each month.

panel told us, no more help, u have had plenty of time to get her prepared for school, they told us to contact post adoption support and do a therapeutic parenting course. (We finished one a couple of months ago)

im scared for how hard the next few months are going to be, and lonely as live rurally with no adopter friends, and family that think we need to parent ‘traditionally’

OP posts:

Ted27 · 14/08/2025 17:19

That sounds very tough.
Have you looked at any benefit entitlements, particularly DLA.
DLA does not depend on diagnosis, its about level of need. Always worth having a go.

Original poster

Pollylong · 14/08/2025 18:26

Sent the DLA paperwork early July, got a letter two weeks ago saying it will be a 15 week wait for a reply.

Just feeling very overwhelmed and let down by a system that has already let her down in so many ways. It’s disheartening for them to make us write about all the ways that starting school is going to be very difficult for her and the knock on effect for us as a family, basically begging them to extend it long enough to help her settle in not forever and for them to stop it the day before she starts and tell us to a parenting course instead, feels like a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:

Cheekychop · 15/08/2025 09:40

It feels like a kick in the teeth Polly because it is a kick in the teeth.

Contact your local MP - get him/her on side and ask them to write to the panel asking them to reconsider. Contact post adoption support and ask for a full assessment of need - parenting courses can only do so much your daughter also needs some therapy for attachment/developmental trauma (eg life story work, art therapy). Also ask them to support the continuation of adoption allowance.

School - transition back in May - any positives of this will have been lost with the long summer holidays. So start the transition again - eg starting with half a day or one full day a week. If you think that school will be currently too much for her (and given her behaviour it could very well be too much) then consider putting her back a year and starting school next year. Adopted children tend to be a lot younger emotionally than their chronological age and so at age 5 she is probably still operating as a 2 to 3 year old. You need to parent her as her emotional age and not her chronological age.

Look into all the benefits that you are entitled to - DLA, carers allowance etc.

So sorry this is happening to you. We parent the most vulnerable children with absolutely no support or understanding of our children's needs from professionals who should know better. You will have to learn to develop a thick skin (not saying you haven't) and really fight/advocate for your daughter.

Xx

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/08/2025 10:03

Her not coping with school isn’t a failing on your part, or your daughters. Do you have any other professionals involved? I get each of them to write something explaining why your DD is struggling with this transition. I’d go through your local authority review and complaints process, basically explaining the basis the allowance was agreed on and that, apart from anything else, lack of notice will put you in financial hardship. Basically make as much noise with as many people, backed up by professional opinion. They may just extend it to shut you up - which is as good an outcome as any.

Flip