Settling in

[Hippocalipo]

Hi. I'm badly in need of some moral support. I've tried talking to my mum but she doesn't understand at all.

I know this is very very early days, however I'm at the end of my tether.

I've recently welcomed home a little boy. We went through intros and he was okish, he enjoyed playing with my at his foster carers house, but was a little shy at my house. All expected. However since he's moved in he has just screamed and cried most of the time. I know he must be angry, heartbroken, confused and upset, but I don't know if I can do this. Hes a lovely gorgeous little boy but I can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

I hate myself but I'm regretting everything atm. I had a lovely life, and now I feel trapped. I know none of this is his fault. He's been dealt a bad hand in life and I really want to love him and nurture him and take care of him. But he just cried and cries, at everything. As soon as I leave the room, he screams, as soon as I offer him a bottle he throws it and screams, I can give him a bottle, sing him lullabies and stroke his face and he'll be falling asleep and as soon as I lay him down in his cot he screams and throws everything out of his cot. He wakes in the night and screams the house down, I offer to pick him up and he shakes his head and screams more. I offer him all his favourite things and he'll just scream, its not even crying at this point. I feel like such an idiot for not being prepared for this.

Thank you for the replies.

Obviously the situation has been difficult and horrible since intros ended and he moved in with me.

But the health visitors comments have really knocked me. For personal reasons I've never been keen on health visitors. However I spoke to little ones social worker in last weeks visit about seeing the health visitor soon and how I was apprehensive. And she assured me they would be fantastic and very helpful. Well so far no one has been helpful at all, in any sense (apart from people on here) I've pleaded with them for help and all anyone does is pop round for a chat, upsets and disturbs him and then fucks off and leaves me in a worse situation than I was in before they visited.

I've got family and friends, however no ones advice means anything when they don't understand adoption.

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and for all this to go away.

I'm ashamed of how easily I've folded. I know he's been dealt a bad hand in life and I know 100% he deserves the world. But I just can't give him anything when im getting no sleep and all I'm hearing is screaming, constantly, even when he stops. I can still hear it. Phantom screaming. I fell asleep on the sofa the other day and woke up to screaming, looked over at him and he was still asleep. Going nuts.

Get yourself to your GP, post-adoption depression is a real thing, not helped by sleep deprivation. Can you rally your friends and family to take your baby out for a walk in his pram at nap time so you can sleep? They don’t need to give you advice, they just need to give you practical help. She says about to contradict herself. Buy Anbesol from your pharmacy. Your baby is at prime teething age and so this may be being overlooked by the professionals because adoption/trauma/ transitions etc. Sometimes, the simplest explanations can be the right ones. My AD1(nearly 18) suffered horribly with teething and even now I recall the nightmare nights and days.

The phantom screaming is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s a sign that you are becoming attuned to the baby and hypervigilant that there is a little human who is wholly dependent on you. My AD2(now nine) was placed at 12 hours old and I regularly used to wake in a cold sweat terrified that a pillow had fallen from my bed and onto her adjacent Moses basket. The sleep deprivation is awful, the whole thing is a horrible shock to the system and the sad thing is that - in real life - we can have so few people to talk the truth to as adoption is meant to be this happy every after story. You are not alone here.

You haven’t folded easily. You are trying to care for a very, very distressed infant - constant screaming will disable the strongest, most competent parent, you’ll be hyper vigilant all the time. That’s normal because baby crying is designed to get us to pay attention the problem is you can’t be in that hyper vigilant state all the time and remain healthy. You’re having a normal response to a very hard situation.

I’m also going to suggest that you’re in a place where your stress is feeding the baby’s stress and vice versa. I’m not saying that to suggest you’re doing anything wrong - you aren’t - but you need space for your system to calm for your own good and for your baby’s. You don’t need people to give you advice, you need them to give you a break. The fact that friends won’t look after him for an hour should tell you that what you’re doing is super human. Knowing that doesn’t mean you can keep doing it, or that you don’t need help - it means you don’t blame yourself for finding it impossible.

Speak to the social worker, explain you’re on the verge of disrupting any you need practical help. That means you need someone to take your child for a couple of hours so you can sleep. Don’t let them try to suggest it’s normal to be tired - this is beyond normal new mum tired. They may have a foster carer able to offer you some respite - the advantage of this is that someone else will have eyes on your child and can support you in how challenging it is to calm him. Social worker should try to avoid disruption where possible, not least because they don’t have lots of places to put children, so rather than asking for advice, tell them you need actual hands on help. There may be a family nurse partnership in your area, they don’t usually work with adoptive families but in this situation, as a social worker, I’d find a way to get them involved. They offer intensive, daily, support to new mums who are considered vulnerable and would be a huge help to you. Family support workers are fantastic at the practical stuff, so tell (don’t ask) social worker to get some concrete support in place.

Do also see your GP - post adoption depression is indeed a “thing” and your circumstances make you a prime candidate. The only time in my whole life I have ever used medication was the 18 months following placement (I don’t think I’ve shared that on here before). Honestly it created enough head space for me to think clearly at a time when I was totally overwhelmed. There’s no shame or judgement to be had, it doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it - it just calms your mind enough to cope better.

I have so much empathy and compassion for you - if I was near I’d happily take your little noise bundle for a few hours to let you sleep - I can’t believe how alone you seem with this.

Morning @Hippocalipo I hope you’re got some sleep last night 💕

Just read your latest update and a few things came to mind:

1. Your care for lo shines through, so despite “not liking him” you know he deserves the world, your subconscious is worrying about him (the phantom crying ) and you want to protect him from strangers. Your motherly instincts are doing what they do naturally but they are overwhelming, new emotions on a deeper level. I remember being scared and unsure what to do with these in relation to a total tiny stranger who was very demanding (and we had it easier than you are)
2. @ThePieceHall makes a really good point about anbesol. We had one episode a few days in when ours screamed & screamed and it was awful and soul destroying in the end the teething powders with chamomile in worked in an instant (we had tried calpol too) . It’s ok to try these things incase pain is an issue.
3. consider basic physical things if for no other reason than reassuring yourself , is he constipated, any wrapped hairs around fingers toes etc? Food intolerance? Could ask gp for a once over & talk about your own needs - book a double appointment
4. Have you tried this? - if he was screaming I’d put my earphones in with classical music on to block the noise & help me stay calm and examine him from head to toe. Telling him what I could see. I only did it a few times but It helped reassure me there was nothing physically wrong. I would talk through his screams in a quiet voice eg mommy sees your hair it’s soft, mommy can see a tear from your right eye, your nose is snotty, I wonder if it’s your gums hurting, here’s a freckle on your right shoulder . let’s count your fingers etc. it took ages and most times it did help calm him down.
5. if he’s throwing toys can you turn this into a game, give him a soft ball or balloon and throw it back
6. are there any adoption baby/toddler groups near you I had to travel 45 minutes to these but was worth it for the 2 hours of adult company with people that got it.
7. get someone you trust to take him out for hours. Take a short walk, have a bath & sleep. It won’t change the world but if you can do that once a week it will help
8. do demand support from social workers let them see the reality & be brutally honest with them
9. ignore health visitors our lo had complex feeding issues & they did not get this and gave awful advice every time, I stopped seeing them as soon as I could & after talking through the first time with SW just lied and blithely said all is fine and nodded a long to any advice they really do have no ideas about the realities of adoption
10. keep posting, keep breathing, keep feeding & clothing lo and it won’t always be like this
11. if you can’t carry on then remind yourself you are human and none of us are perfect and you have done your best
12. if you can carry on then know in the future you will look back and on this time and think how the hell did we survive

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I wish we could do more to help, it’s brutal, it’s relentless & it feels never ending, and you’re doing it right now 💐 that’s awe inspiring

Hippo, I hope that SWs have been in contact this morning and you have real support plans being put in place.

I've not commented on your thread before but it reminds me so much of the early days with my youngest. I used to have 'Lord of the dance' constantly running through my mind, but replace the word dance with whinge. It was relentless and really really hard.

I had an early support package of weekly sessions with a therapist (and 4 sessions with an OT) via ASF from week 4 onwards which really helped. I don't know when it got better, but slowly over many months it did, still hard but better. Our life now (3ish years on) is completely unrecognisable to when she firsr came home.

Another one just popping in to say hope you’re getting some support irl 💐

I really hope you’re ok and got some help. He may also be autistic and have sensory needs.
I hope something has helped.

This sounds brutal, but honestly really normal for a kid who’s been through that much change. He’s terrified and grieving, and screaming is how he’s coping. It’s not about you.
Early days are the hardest because there’s no trust yet. Stick to calm routines, keep things predictable, and take breaks whenever you can. Lean on your social worker or foster/adoption team, they see this a lot and can support you.
You’re not failing, you’re just both in survival mode. It will get better with time and consistency, even if it feels impossible right now

I hope you are doing ok OP. I have been thinking of you & wishing I could give mire help than a message.

Hope everything is ok OP

Sounds brutal, I hope you managed to get some form of support.

Disruption is an option, I know if feels taboo to even suggest but you have to do what is right for both yourself and him

@Hippocalipo
How are you doing?