Settling in

[Hippocalipo]

Hi. I'm badly in need of some moral support. I've tried talking to my mum but she doesn't understand at all.

I know this is very very early days, however I'm at the end of my tether.

I've recently welcomed home a little boy. We went through intros and he was okish, he enjoyed playing with my at his foster carers house, but was a little shy at my house. All expected. However since he's moved in he has just screamed and cried most of the time. I know he must be angry, heartbroken, confused and upset, but I don't know if I can do this. Hes a lovely gorgeous little boy but I can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

I hate myself but I'm regretting everything atm. I had a lovely life, and now I feel trapped. I know none of this is his fault. He's been dealt a bad hand in life and I really want to love him and nurture him and take care of him. But he just cried and cries, at everything. As soon as I leave the room, he screams, as soon as I offer him a bottle he throws it and screams, I can give him a bottle, sing him lullabies and stroke his face and he'll be falling asleep and as soon as I lay him down in his cot he screams and throws everything out of his cot. He wakes in the night and screams the house down, I offer to pick him up and he shakes his head and screams more. I offer him all his favourite things and he'll just scream, its not even crying at this point. I feel like such an idiot for not being prepared for this.

Just wondering if the shaking head could actually mean yes instead of no sometimes? It's a few years ago for us now (our LO is 7) but I think he learnt to shake his head before nod. Little ones can get confused, especially when they are worked up and don't really know what they want.

Also, as previous poster has said, focus on the milk more than anything. Milk was such a comfort for our LO, even as a toddler and preschooler.

I'd say definitely take your sister up on her offer. My mum came to stay quite early on. It can help to have another adult to talk to and offer support and another perspective for when you are feeling low.

The first few weeks with a baby who isn't newborn are so tough because you imagine everyone expects you to know what you are doing and you can't because it's all so new and different for you.

It sounds like you are doing your best to understand his cues and I think that's a lot of what being a parent through adoption is!

Yep,ask your sister for help,see her as your support in looking after you do that you can look after the baby,you focus on him and she focus on you.cook for you,bring you food etc but you fo the attachment things with him like bathing together,feeding him,sleeping next to him etc.completly newborn him and don't listen to any advice otherwise, independence is so far off for him, honestly I was annoyed at my 5 year olds teacher suggesting independence,it's attachment all the way for adoption.ifnore the foster carers saying he can feed yourself,you want to take the role completely,only you feeding him with that bottle in your arms like he likes,that's so so important to build that bond,it's key.give him as much milk as he wants,don't worry about that.theres a mumsnet mantra that food before one is just for fun,he can regress to that and get his comfort from milk just now but you feed him it holding the bottle,listening to nursery rhymes if that's what comforts him.male things nicer on yourself.do what helps you,maybe you and your sister going to the park with him,build a routine.get that sling today it's a game changer honestly. I find it helps having peaceful music on in the background and loops are great.
Your sister may also not understand,parenting him is going to be different to parenting another same age child just be confident in explaining that children regress when loosing their carer and he needs parenting as a newborn.i bottle fed my children much older,it's all for attachment not pushing them away.
So it helps alot to chat to other adopters who do get it.i recommend adoption UK,well worth joining them and i think they also have regular zoom meet ups for early adopters,which would be really helpful,as well as in person meet ups,just helps to talk to people going through the same thing.they also have a brilliant webinar on post adoption depression which is similar to post natal depression and it's worth watching and you can see how others dealt with the incredibly hard time.
Take one day at a time breathe when hes screaming and hold him close.always close.
I think it can help to reread his CPR to refresh your empathy as screaming does destroy this sometimes.
Oh and also what you say about watching him all night worrying about him breathing,that's brilliant,that's treating him as a newborn,embrace that -becoming a new mum does mean no sleep for now which is why it's good to have your sister there to help support you.

Hoping for a better day for you today,coffee and cebebbies and sunshine helps I think.

I've just had to leave him in his cot screaming. I know you all think its the worst thing I can do. But he woke up at 2.30am and has been screaming ever since. I've tried rocking him in my arms, he screams, I've tried singing to him, he screams, I've tried feeding him, he throws it and screams. Tried laying him down on the sofa, he thrashed around and screamed for an hour.

The neighbours have said their daughter can't sleep because all they can hear is him screaming. Its literally deafening. My ears are ringing. I'm surprised no ones called the police yet.

I'm so sorry, this just sounds so stressful. You can probably barely even think at the moment and just aching for some reprieve. Don't know if more advice is helpful or overwhelming but can I suggest:

• contact the GP, get a movicol prescription and see if there is anything else they want to check
• does water help? If so could you set up paddling pool, run through the sprinkler, go to an outdoor pool, splash pad or the beach if any of those are close to you, get someone else to be there with you to help. Wondering if it would help him to run/throw/stamp/splash around to release some anxiety. Water works for us but maybe running around outdoors or playing with sand or mud (sorry not sure how mobile he is so depending on that)
• do also let someone else eg your sister look after him for a couple of hours or more while you get out of the house and go somewhere peaceful - that's ok

Sometimes you need to step away, gather yourself and regroup a bit. You know he’s in a safe place - many mums need to take a step back for their own sanity. Do get some practical help though because you rightly need support.

Are you in touch with foster carers, can they give you any tips for settling him?

You are absolutely right to step away,it all sounds so so hard.i hope your social worker and foster carer can help support you with better support than there has been,do reach out to them and get your sister in too.maybe transitions were too quick and it would help for him to facetime or see your foster carer?talk to the social worker and see what they say?that's a lot of screaming, especially if neighbours can hear it all.

How are you doing OP? Hope you and little one have managed to get some rest today.

Loop ear plugs could help you cope with the noise when he's upset.

Not too good. I'm spending every waking minute fantasising about handing him back.

I've worked out hes getting about 5-6 hours sleep in any 24 hour period.

Oh @Hippocalipo this sounds sso tough. Has your sister been able to come yet? A screaming child is evolutionarily designed to draw attention to themselves, and it is horrible for you to endure for such long periods of time.

Walking away is no bad thing- you must be sleep deprived too. I think when people are saying keep him close, it's more of a general thing, not in specific instances.

You sound like you need a break, is there anyone at all who can pop in and help? Even just for an hour or so so that you cna get some sleep?

The sleep is a killer, honestly it really is.

I genuinely would be taking him to the GP to double check that there is nothing physical. I don't know loads about babies, but I know they should be sleeping for more than 5-6 hours. That combined with the feeding makes me feel like there might be something else going on. Don't trust a LAC medical to find anything!

Your life has just been upended, and it is so important to recognise that. Do you have a adoption group or any adopted friends in the local area? Could you reach out to anyone locally too?

It sounds very hard and I can well believe you’re so strung out and sleep deprived you just want it to end - and the quickest way is to just hand her back. And of course with adoption there’s that feeling that you could, if you really wanted to, just decide to end the adoption. i certainly felt that way more than once when I was in the weeds in the early days, sleep deprived, struggling with enormous change and feeling overwhelmed.

Things that helped were getting some actual help - someone to do things in the house while I tried to sort the kids, someone to entertain them while I cried in the shower, someone to make a cup of tea and someone (many people) to listen without judgement. I also found posting here really helped because I was reassured I wasn’t going crazy.

The other thing that helped was remember wanted children, not in a “ffs you chose this” kind of way but more in a this is hard, but it won’t always be and I have the family I longed for. I think particularly in adoption having children is overly romanticised and idealised - you’re saving a poor baby and doing such a good thing. But 80%+ of parenting is repeated drudgery, routine and getting on with it with the knowledge you’re loving and caring for your child. Adoption or not the early days are monotonous and hard. I’ve linked to this thread not enjoying motherhood to help give a sense that it’s not just about adoption.

What is your support network like? I thought mine was pretty robust and then found actually when faced with the reality of adoption people who said they’d be there just weren’t - I’m saying that in case you’re finding people thin on the ground and are blaming yourself in some way - another thing to feel shit about.

What will help in the moment? You getting some rest or respite? Baby not screaming? Getting something to eat? Getting out of the house? If you can work out what you need amidst the “everything is fucking hard”, you might be able to identify people who could help. Have you been able to take your little one to the doctor or health visitor?

That sounds dreadful. You are exhausted and he must be beyond exhausted. I wonder if the less sleep he gets the more wound up he gets and then the more wound up he gets the less sleep - a vicious circle.
Wonder if its worth talking to GP to see if there are any temporary sleep medications you might be able to use

My sister has offered to stay but her father rin law passed away 24 hours ago so it will probably be a delayed visit.

I did think I'd be able to rely on my best friend for moral support but she's not messaged once since little one came home. I'm not reaching out. Can't be bothered.

He fell asleep in the car on the drive home from the supermarket yesterday for 2 mins and then as soon as we got inside it was bloody murder, fighting to stay awake.

@Hippocalipo

This sounds so hard. As I said upthread I don't really know anything about babies. But I was wondering if he falls asleep in the car is it worth you packing a flask and snacks and driving somewhere more scenic than the supermarket so he is in deeper sleep, parking up somewhere but not getting out of the car. If he stays asleep you might get a bit of rest yourself.

@Hippocalipo just wondering how you’re getting on and sending good thoughts.

@HippocalipoI really hope you are doing okay. I've adopted twice, but I also have a partner, and that was hard enough. We have absolutely all had those moments wondering whether we have done the right thing. The early stages are so hard. Our eldest came home at a few weeks old and he screamed for 12 months, it was absolutely awful. I remember one night, a few weeks after he came home, we had barely slept in 72 hours and I suggested to my husband we take him back to NICU as he preferred the it there, and try again in a few weeks. He's now 5, and I'm watching him fall asleep next to me.

Have you got anyone local you can call on who can come and sit with little one with you so to can have a bit of a support/a shower/a cuppa? Can you share your general location (county?) in case once of us lives locally and can recommend any local support or meet up for a chat or something.

Seventeen years in here. Your little boy is frightened. His reactions are a totally normally human response to losing everything he has known. Your reactions are a totally normal human response to losing everything you have known. Adoption is a shock to everyone’s system. You CAN actually make your own rules. You do not have to listen to what SWs have to say about funnelling etc. Your boy sounds bereft. I am middle-aged and I could not sleep alone for ages when my beloved (extremely elderly father) died. We put too much expectations on our small children. Would your boy sleep better if you co-slept? It is common in other cultures and countries, like Japan, for young children to sleep with their parents till they are about 10.

@Hippocalipo Hope you’re doing ok ! I echo what pp posters have said about co sleeping. We didn’t do it initially I was obsessed with independent sleeping for some reason . It crept in when lo was older and able to ask and was life changing for us all. If I had my time again I’d do it from day 1.

also if you can find a sling that works we used ours until lo was 3 (was exhausting by then !) but so regulating for us both and meant I could do stuff!!

also if he falls asleep in car just sit in the car, you could factor a drive at a certain time of day if this suits him. I used to drive to find a nice view and sit & read. I think it’s what kept me sane. He went through (a short thankfully) phase of waking when the engine stopped so I just drove & drove!!!

ignore all the jobs you feel you should be doing and enjoy the you time it will help!

finally be kind to yourself & lots of people have talked about routine it’s definitely your friend!!

it is so tough, it does change as time goes on & you both adjust so hold on in there if you can ❤️‍🩹

Just so you don't feel like you're going mad

• its fine to park up on your own drive with engine running because he'll wake if you turn it off.
• its fine to drive a 5 mile loop round your town for 2 hours if it suits you, because you want him to sleep
• its ok if sometimes he's just crying and nothing will soothe it, and you put on ear plugs to give yourself a break from it
• its ok to bottle feed him more milk than recommended. If he's enjoying it for comfort, try swapping to a slower teat meant for a younger baby that allows him to spend longer drinking the bottle.
• have him checked for reflux/constipation etc to rule out pain as a cause of his screaming

Its gone from bad to worse. I really can't continue. I do not like this child, not even in the slightest.

The health visitor came out to visit us yesterday and even she said he seems miserable and very very whingey. Nothing settles him.

I'm constantly having to put him in his cot so I dont lose my rag with him.

I've tried every single suggestion anyone has ever come up with. Nothing works.

He (or his behaviour) has spoilt many trips out, from the park to just going to the supermarket. Whinge whinge whinge. I can't stand the sound of him.

I feel like either the foster carers ans social workers have no idea about child development or they are liars. This is in no way normal, even for an adopted child, been removed from everything they've ever known.

I'm getting 2 hours sleep a night and its torture. I regret every single decision I've made regarding him.

Can I call the emergency number as its the weekend?

I would contact the emergency number and say you aren't coping.
Even if they say hang on until Monday you will know you have got the ball rolling.

This isn't your fault. But for whatever reason it isn't working for him or you.

That sounds so tough for you all I’m sorry

if you feel you need to call the emergency number absolutely do

hope you have someone you can reach out to irl ❤️

Sorry things are still tough.

What advice did the HV offer?
You mentioned your mum, can she come round this weekend to offer a little practical support? Any friends who could pop in for a while? Who are your support network, are any of them able to come round to help?
Are you in contact still with the foster carer? Can they make any helpful suggestions? Do what you can to get through the weekend.

Contact the swkr first thing Monday and the child’s IRO and request an urgent meeting of all those involved around you and your child - do they know how things are?
Ring and follow up with emails .

I hope you can get the support you both need and quickly.

The health visitor didn't really offer any advice, she just said she was going to tell the social workers she thought he was miserable and that the placement was at risk. She commented on all the things she was surprised he couldn't do yet e.g waving goodbye and saying bye, not saying ta if you passed him something.

Most of my support network dont have kids, so they aren't really prepared to watch him for me when he just screams the house down when I go out of sight. Theyve helped with other tasks but I dont really need help with those.

I would have a meeting if it was on teams or something, but I don't really want a meeting at my house, considering it has made things 10x harder when we've had just 1 person visit. He has complete melt downs and can't handle it. Sobs and sobs for hours, throws his toys about in anger, won't eat anything or drink anything. Shakes and trembles. And closes his eyes for long periods if anyone looks at him.

@Hippocalipo

I’m nearly 18 years into my placements with my adopted children and the biggest piece of advice I could give new adopters is to sleep on everything. I understand that you are struggling but I’m concerned for you that if you phone the emergency number that your adoption dream may be over. Children’s social care teams can be expedient/ruthless so, from experience, their plan could be to remove your baby before things become too entrenched, so as to prevent further emotional harm. Adoption is sold as a fairytale ending but it is bloody hard, especially in the early days, in the trenches, especially with a pre-verbal baby. Your baby is grieving for everything he has known but he doesn’t have the words to express his loss and sorrow. Also, the vast majority of health visitors have rarely encountered an adopted child so they do not understand adoption-related trauma. They absolutely are not the experts on our children. Please do not let professionals who do not understand adoption and developmental trauma convince you that there is something wrong with your baby.

Do you have anyone who could come over to help you get through tonight and then tomorrow night and then the night over? Parenting is hard, parenting plus, which is what we do, is practically bloody impossible but it is achievable. We here can help you get through the next hard days?

Please, don’t be too hasty. It’s unfair that we are sold a happy ever after dream and then when the reality kicks in, we question ourselves and our commitment hard. It’s not helped by the fact that everyone around us expects us to be ecstatic 100 per cent, 24/7. Please do look up post-adoption depression as it is a real ‘ thing’ and it may be worth booking an appointment with your GP? Don’t forget that birth mothers have nine months to accustom themselves to and start to develop a bond with the baby growing inside them; you have been landed with a little ‘alien’ who doesn’t look like you, smell like you or mimic you.

Having said all of that, if your gut is telling you that this is absolutely the wrong thing, then you will find plenty of support here and in various other groups.

Sending you love, care, empathy and sympathy.

She commented on all the things she was surprised he couldn't do yet e.g waving goodbye and saying bye, not saying ta if you passed him something.

I’d suggest the health visitor isn’t considering the impact of trauma on child development. Children, especially babies, regress in the face of trauma - it’s their only way of processing what I happening to them. They generally are delayed in their development and tend to lose any skills gained following a move. It’s entirely reasonable that his language skills and relational skills will be delayed - he’s had two moves in his very short life which he will experience as traumatic no matter how well planned they might have been. The social worker will have that in mind.

Has your/the child’s social worker visited yet? If do what have they observed in your child and in your interactions with your child? At this stage I’d expect weekly visits especially given how unsettled he is and how much you’re struggling. What was your support network going into adoption? I know there’s been a family bereavement which changed your plans, have you got any kind of backup?

Ultimately disruption is always a possibility, it’s very hard on everyone but it sounds hard anyway.