Struggling with adoption of child

[samb1979]

Please help me. Any advice greatly received.

We have just completed bridging and I have no connection with the child that has been placed with us. My husband and birth child have bonded but I haven’t.

The guilt I feel is unreal. To my husband, birth child, to her, my family and friends. I was the one pushing for our family to be extended and now I feel like I’m failing everyone.

The child has more complex issues than we first were lead to believe such as sleep and bathing issues where this has been glossed over by the cpr and foster carers.

I’ve spoken to our social worker and team and don’t know what to do or say or how to be.

Is this normal?

I don't have much time right now to respond in full but I didn't want to read and run (middle of a ridiculous car journey) but it is very normal early on in placement to feel this way.

You probably won't bond straight away, that's fine and very normal. Who even does that? It takes tiiiimmme. In fact, it can take ages. The mini tyrant has arrived and is rightfully causing chaos because they don't know how else to survive. If someone took you away from everything you knew, said you couldn't have any of your old life back, it would be difficult for you too, and you have words to express it and people to help you, so sleep problems and bathing issues are very likely as it's the few things they can control.

But as I always say, this is Mumsnet and not kids net, so focusing on you: you need a break, a cup of tea and natter with someone who gets it because bonding with a mini tyrant is hard and lonely. Do you have a adoption support group?

I would say to any new parent try to protect the bond. Strip it back to absolute essentials, routines can be quite stifling. Does she have to bathe absolutely every day? Does it matter if all she eats is fish fingers and chips? If she stays up past her bedtime or is rocked to sleep or needs a special hot chocolate with marshmallows, it's all good. Lower your expectations of what it means to be a stereotypical good mum, let her watch TV, use screen time, take her to soft play, do what you need to give you all a break and positive moments.

You aren't alone, it is very normal, but my god it's difficult.

@samb1979
@Torvy sums it up very well.

You've all had your life turned upside down, its totally normal to feel discombobulated and have a huge range of emotion.
Everyone expects you to be blissfully happy and sail off into the rose coloured dawn, because you got what you wanted right ?
But the reality is hard. Cut yourself some slack.
The weather is nice, go out, feed the ducks and take it a day at a time.

Hi samba,

Great advice above. What I would add is that if the child has more difficulties than you were led to believe then do NOT apply for the adoption order until a full assessment of the child's needs is done and a proper support package is put in place. Social workers will start to put pressure on you to apply for the adoption order and no doubt will promise you the earth once it's done. Do not believe them - tell them that the child has more difficulties then you were led to believe and that you want a full assessment done and support package in place - to deal with therapy for the child and also adoption allowance for you as the child's needs may be such that you can't return to work ever.

You also have the option of disruption - but as everyone else has bonded with the child this may be an option which you feel unable to go down.

So stay strong and refuse pressure to apply for the order until you have everything you need in place and agreed by social services to fund - to make the adoption a success.
Xx

Early days in adoption are hard going - it’s not at all like giving birth, where you’ve carried the child, prepared for them physically and emotionally and really nothing can prepare you. Bonding, in the best of circumstances, takes time - many birth mums struggle to bond with their babies so it makes sense that a bond with a child who is effectively a stranger to you would take time and effort.

It’s also very usual for children to regress significantly in early placement. Every thing in their lives has changed, there are no familiar people, smells, sounds, no familiar house rules. So they regress to a younger age - things like toiletting, bathing, eating, sleeping, speaking all are up for grabs. I’d not worry too much at this stage - you aren’t seeing you’re actual child at this point, you’re seeing your scared, uncertain, traumatised child.

Everything has also changed for you - your understanding of parenting needs to shift to accommodate this little one, you have a complete change in family dynamics and are back to being tied in a way that you had perhaps moved away from. It’s not like adding a birth sibling, which is often more tricky than people want to admit. I imagine you feel quite deskilled in it all.

So, first off be very gentle with yourself, and with your new child. Don’t worry about routines and what normal family life is like - you’re not in a normal situation. Go at the child’s pace, your DH will need to do the heavy lifting with yourself birth child while you get to know this new little one. I’m guessing he’s been doing all the fun stuff while you’re trying to keep the house ticking over, swap some of that so you have the time to attend to your little one. Go out, play games, cuddle watching TV - just spend time with them not trying to do anything productive.Take meal times, bath times, bed times at their pace, split the routine with yourself birth child DH so you both have some down time.

Take yourself out for a walk, or a coffee, or to see a friend - get some respite.

Do things with your new child that focuses on relationship, chatter to them through the day, don’t worry about bonding, or attachment or anything else at this stage, just get to know them.

Keep an eye out for any continued development issues, and yes delay the adoption order until you have an idea of any ongoing issues but it’s far too soon now to know what those might be.

And keep posting, if you give an idea of the ages of your children or things that are particularly difficult there are many very knowledgeable, experienced adopters here. I can guarantee you someone here will have dealt with the things you’re finding hard, and folk here are very generous in sharing their experiences without judgement.

You’re finding it hard because it is very hard, but for most of us it does get better.

If you search the forum, you will find many, many threads like yours: an adopter struggling to bond with their child in the early stages of adoption. What you are experiencing is hard, but very common and normal.

Do what you feel helps you. A lot of adopters find it helpful to be very flexible, others stick to a strict routine. I fell into the latter category. For several weeks we kept every day the same to make life highly predictable to help the children feel safe and to reduce the stress on us parents. For us that worked well.

We played a lot of sensory games and did a lot of role play. We all painted each other and send a card with the paintings as an adoption announcement card to family and friends. We were physically very active. We followed our children's lead in what to play. You don't mention how old your child is, but I assume older than baby. Maybe this could be helpful:

https://www.trauma-informed.uk/shop/buy-dvd-s/product/47-communication-skills-and-attachment-play-the-first-five-years

I felt like you. My partner and son bonded early and I felt nothing. I had also been the one "pushing" for a child. It took months before I felt anything. A year before we were close. A decade on, my son and I have a closer and more secure relationship with each other than probably anyone else in the world.

I look back and feel bad at how I lost sight of his pain and anguish at losing his foster carers, I was caught up in my own world. I expected too much of him and I regret that. But I didn't know then what I came to learn. I wish I had been easier on him and also myself. But we are all human and mistakes are rectifiable. Give it time. It is a marathon not a sprint.

adopted children are human beings bot an internet order for a specific item it sounds like kid wasn't as ordered so send kid back this is a person not an item

I have not said that they are coffee - please re read my post. Disruption is always an option in adoption - and sometimes families unfortunately have to go down this route. Google "The Selwyn Report" - it might help your understanding of the issues involved in adoption.

The full title of the Selwyn Report is " beyond the adoption order- challenges, intervention and disruption" 2014 , for ease of reference.

have seen Selwyn report on paper it grand in theory not so as have also seen what happens to the child after disruption and they often never get second chance and spend lot of time blaming themselves leading to other issues in later life such as school disruption drink drugs teenage pregnancy etc because certain people on paper are great in regards adoption fostering etc and enjoy/romanticize the idea of being an adopter etc but the reality is very different to the theory of it and when you see the aftermath for a child/young person watch them struggle to get their life on track after disruption while the adoptive parents fade into background you would think twice about considering this

So glad you have seen the report coffee and if you are an adoptive parent then I am so glad that you have never had to experience what some adoptive parents have to experience, and I include myself in that. Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes or in the shoes of any parent in that report you have absolutely no idea what you are taking about. I will not be replying to you any more - you are just here to cause offence and arguments.

Disruption is awful, yes, but any adopter I know has come to that point through years of trying and not getting the support they and their child needs. Yes it adds another layer of trauma for the child or young person, it also leaves parents broken - no one wins and no parent who goes through disruption slips off into the sunset.

There is simply not enough support for vulnerable children be they in foster care, residential care or adopted families.

It should also be remembered that even when disruption happens, the adoptive parents are still the legal parents and retain parental responsibility.
I do know several families where disruption has happened and all of them have maintained a relationship of some sort with the young person.
Its sometimes referred to as parenting from a distance