How honest to be in letterbox contact

[EnergyCreatesReality]

As the title says - in the past we've written quite generic, bland letters following the format suggested by our SW a few years ago so it covers how tall AD6 is, how she's doing at school, favourite foods, hobbies etc.

We keep it all light and positive and she is amazing so it's easy but in reality she is also a very anxious child which causes problems at school as she goes very quickly into fight mode. We've had CAMHS sessions which haven't really helped and she is due to see an educational psychologist in November.

Me and my husband disagree on whether we should include things like this in the letters or just keep it light and fluffy. I'd just like thoughts and opinions on what to do as I'm torn on what to write for this next batch of letters (I'm the one who writes them).

I keep letters positive. My ad(7) knows what is in the letters and reads the replies, and would be horrified if I added the struggles. She is classic adopted child people pleaser and doesn’t want others to think negative of her. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer but
i go on the basis is this info my child wants them to know about her x

I would keep it light. The bps might think you are the problem and try to contact her if they think there are problems.

We keep ours light. Like you, food they like, books they read, games they play. We tell them if they have been poorly, colds, chicken pox etc but keep the long term conditions and behaviour out of it.

Leave it out, they don’t need to know and your first priority is to your daughter and what she is comfortable with. Put the positives and maybe as you are writing you can ask her what is okay to share but ultimately use your adult judgement in her best interests. The birth parents are adults (who may be very trauma experienced too and I have a lot of sympathy but your child is a child and comes first).

I take a slightly different view.

If you pretend everything is hunky dory, what happens if something happens you need to share out of the blue, or if they meet as adults and the birth family has been entirely unaware?

We said things like 'struggles at school to make friends but we are helping' or 'found covid very difficult but post adoption support have been helping'. So no issues without them being addressed, and not full gory details, but some awareness.

To be fair, I would agree with this. I would never put in the letters proper details likes she regularly lashes out and calls us horrible fatties when angry in the letter, as this would cause her shame, and is a direct consequence of her adoption and I don’t want them to feel bad also.

However when her foster sister/now adopted sister left our home for a while and she was struggling with this, I did put in the letters that the previous 6 months had been hard for her missing her sister and that we were helping and supporting her with this.

This is what I'm leaning towards - acknowledging that AD does get anxious but both we and the school are supporting her. It's primarly around any sort of change so this time is particularly tricky, her school are fantastic with the transition going up to year 2 in September.

I've only been doing letterbox for a year with my oldest (previously we did face to face, moved to letterbox at request of BPs).

I agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders . I don't feel I could do a fully sanitised positive letter. If face to face resumes (which is my hope!) I dont want them to be surprised that my daughter's day to day reality doesn't match with what they've been imagining. I want them to know that I'm not blind to her struggles but support her in them. I also just want to be honest with them, acknowledge that she was dealt a shit hand with the start in life she got, just like the start her BPs got, that she has a lot of struggles because of that, and that she deserves and is getting support and help and love and is never shamed for who she is (obviously I don't actually say all that but that's my feeling behind it).

I would never share things she wouldn't want me to, and never embarrass her. My other daughter has a much different life story and birth parents, in their circumstance I dont really share much at all with them, I just confirm she is alive and well basically.

So as well as sharing an overview, funny tidbits, answering any questions and anything else she wants I also say things like 'Mary is still finding it hard go into school in the mornings and she often feels really worried, so she goes to breakfast club which she enjoys and its a less intense start to the day. Mary's teacher is very kind and checks in with her at the start of every day.'

Overall I kept things positive, but I did include diagnoses, like ADHD and very briefly explained (eg. struggled to focus and to sit still), because I thought it might be helpful for the birth family to know. After all, there is a genetic factor and, as far as I know, none of them have been diagnosed. Birth family was in contact with siblings and so were we, therefore information might have been passed on anyway.

I also think it is important to include a sanitiaed version of reality. If BPs are accessing the letters, then it will help them to get a overall picture, especially if later on a meeting happens and their recollection of their childhood is different to how you have portrayed it. For example, my two have spent an inordinate amount of time being helped by "special doctors" (I.e. being assessed as to how we can get a diagnosis of the million and one things that cause their ridiculous behaviour), and to me it is important that BPs understand that this wasn't because we were hypochondriacs, but because the children showed signs of struggling and we are advocating hard to get them what they need.

It is general, but gives a flavour of the medical progession. We also hope it encourages BP to also consider the genetic component of some of the things and feel more confident in following up with their own assessment for those concerns, which might help them access more support later on in life for themselves or even any future siblings, which might help them be more successful in understanding their child's needs. Also BPs may have raised some concerns and feel validated that you are also seeing them too.

We temper everything by keeping it relatively vague and obviously with no specific details, but we go full ham in our anecdotes about the kids. We think they are adorable, and don't see a problem with sharing stuff that we think we would normally share with a favourably viewed work colleague- funny anecdote about them mashing potato into their hair? Saying an accidental swearword as they lear to read? Their peculiar fashion sense of minecraft wellies and a tutu? Funny little pickle, how hilarious. Screaming "You're a fucking idiot Mama" and lobbing a literal rock at me the middle of a meltdown? Less so.

I didn't expect my girls' birth parents to put difficult stuff in their letters and I didn't put any in mine.

Tbh, by the time they can connect atc18, stuff that happened at say primary school is long gone and you are dealing with how things are in that moment in time.

So personally I think there is little point in painting a full picture. It isn't deceptive to just talk about holidays and birthdays.

We have been doing contact letters now for over 18 years. Neither of mine are yet ready for direct contact despite being adults and we continue with letters.
For us issues developed slowly, little things in primary developed into bigger things by college age.
I wouldn't have wanted to have to go from 'everything is fine' to 'DD won't leave the house' in one letter.

How do you do the letters at that age? My girls' placing LA wrote to me the moment my elder daughter turned 18 to say that would be the end of letterbox for her. It continued for my younger daughter til she turned 18, which was 15 months later.

I looked into various options - we had no contact with birth parents but we did with older half sisters. We ended up meeting them face to face, facilitated by social services and with some asf funded therapy for support. We did ask social services to try one last chance to contact birth mother but she didn't respond. I had been continuing to send her letters even though we never heard back.

I agree with UnderTheNameOfSanders. I keep things light but touch on struggles. I found this helpful before we started Life Story Work.

It was helpful as the life story worker could ask the BP's questions around how they were in school, teenage years, things they struggled with and things they enjoyed which deepened the work.

Just to add, my younger daughter struggled when she was younger, but by the time she was 18 and we were doing direct contact, she was fine - working, nice boyfriend. She has never had any problems with the police, done drugs, been aggressive. It would have upset her if she thought i had told her birth family about stuff when she was younger.

@Arran2024 We are being allowed to continue with letterbox until my youngest is 25 as she has an EHCP.

Ah, I see. My girls both had ehc plans but the LA said no.

I didn't force it as we decided direct contact with the half siblings was the way to go. My younger daughter was increasingly angry that I was sharing any info about her with her birth mother, so she wanted to stop that. We were not allowed contact with birth dad. Half siblings seemed nice so we went down the route of meeting them.

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread. I was stalling on writing this years letterbox as it’s been a difficult year but reading this advice has helped me sort it all out in my head and come up with a watered down version of reality which feels right to share.

not My thread but as is often the case it’s great to read wisdom from so many experienced people. Thanks for taking the time out of your days to reply!!