Does anyone have a really small age gap?

[oldnewmummy]

Background: We're in Singapore, have one DS who's 17 months. We're looking into adopting a special needs child from care here (at the end of the year - DS will be almost 2).

We need to get cracking on this as we've just got PR in Australia and so need to do the adoption here first then apply for adoption visa for Oz.

Social services say it's very unlikely there would be a child under 1 available, so we're looking optimistically at up to maybe 18 months? That would mean a gap of maybe 4+ months between the kids.

Any experience of this?

ooh blimey thats a short gap. I know someone who adopted 2 at the same time with a similar gap and got pregnant whilst waiting so she went from no children to 3 under three within 6 months!

The issue is normally the amount of time a new adoptee needs so bigger age gap tends to be better. You might also have the problem comparisons as they grow up being so clsoe in age but not twins. A kind of identity crisi IYSWIM.

However if SS are prepared to consider it (they wouldn;t here) then I guess you ned to consider:

• how much attention your DS requires and how likely this is to go up with a new and potentially threatening similarly aged rival
• what special need is involved, how much more work it is likely to require.

I suspect you won;t know until you meet a possible child. ALso thoguh SS say "unlikely" a child under 12 months availble that doesn't mean there won't be. Does PR (?) mean you are headin back there to live? If so can't you do an overseas adoption from there? IF not sing then maybe another country?

I think its unlikely you will find any Uk adopters with such a small age gap, as SS dont allow it. So as Kewcumber says,it would only be families who have adopted a young baby then got pg

Its more common in the US, where families adopting from overseas soemtimes adopt a child close in age to one of their bio kids, or even adopt two unrelated children from the same group in an orphanage. If you check out the US boards you might get some good information

personally i would not do it. i have two bio kids within 18 months of each other and it was murder for the first few years. And neither is adopted or has any other special needs.

It woudl be very very difficult to give each chid the care they need, espcially if one is institutionalised AND has Sn AND is adopted. Might be just about manageable you are both at home full time or have other full time help eg nanny.

Can I ask why you don't just wait until your DS is a bit older? Cant you take your Ds into Aus with another type of visa as you have PR?

If i understand you correctly, it seems that you are solving a fairly short term problem re visas but setting up potentially a very difficult situation for years to come

Sorry to be such a wet blanket

It's OK Kristina, all advice appreciated.

We're British, so to activate Australian permanent residence we need to move there within 3 years. Singapore adoption of DC2 will take maybe 9 months then 6 months to process his/her visa (DS1 already granted). Which brings us to, say, Feb 2010.

If we wait until we get to Oz to try to adopt, it takes ages (like in the UK), we're getting on a bit (42 and 45 now), and DS will be about 10 years older!

Maybe best to wait another 6 months if no suitable child identified.

Really hard to know what to do for the best. We want to help an existing child in care but may not be possible.

oh i see - you are caught between needing to have a settled abode in singapore to adopt there are needing to move to Oz to activate your PR there. hmmm...bit of a problem ........

sorry no good ideas then

I think you are just going to have to sail a bit close to the wind on everything I'm afraid - wait as late as you think you possibly can to go for the adoption, then push for the youngest possible child you think you will get.

I've been thinking about this all night/day. We're by no means giving up, but you're absolutely right in that there is no point solving a short term problem by taking on more than we can handle long term.

We'd love another child, but if DS turns out to be an only child we'll just have to be damn grateful to have had him at all. We are VERY VERY lucky.

At the moment accepting this is easier said than done, but I hope if "our child" is out there we're fated to meet somehow.

Thanks so much to both of you, especially Kristina, for not sugar coating it. This is far too important to be naive about it.

that's funny, i was thinking about your situation too and wondering if i had been too blunt . as i often am . i guess that parents of twins seem to manage, which is in effect what you would have. although it's hard when you factor in the adoption issues, the SN, and the race / cultural issues.

You, Kristina... too blunt? Surely not

It's difficult to be sure about timescales where adoption is concerned though - things can take much longer than you anticipate. So wouldn't it be worth getting on with the business of getting your assessment/approval, then seeing what children are awaiting adoption and would fit into your family structure. I agree with Kristina that a small age gap is very difficult, but we have 5 years between our birth DS and our adopted DD and it's still not enough for them not to be competing with each other !!!!

oh I KNOW kewcumsber, I do try to be tactful. But soemtimes i get really wound up by posts. i can just about cope with the rather naive but well meaning ones

"my dh and i really LURVE children, we have 5 under 8 and we home school them all, we both have busy jobs and do lots of voluntary work and we would LOVE to give a home to a needy, unwanted child who woudl be so grateful to us for rescuing them. How long would it take us to adopt a healthy white baby? We coudl consider a child up to six months old and we wouldnt take a child from a high risk background of drugs, alcohol or mental ilness....."

but its harder not to lose the rag with the ones are actually quite malicious under a veneer of concern

you knwo the ones......

"my sister/friend/neighbour has adopted 3 children, she says they all have special needs and attachment problems. She is far too strict with them and they get no freedom. She is always moaning about them. i saw then once in the back garden and they seem fine to me . i have never seen them soiling, smearing, acting out sexually, manipulating, ,lying, attacking small children and pets and i think she is making it up. . All children do these things- once my 3yo dirtied his pants so i knwo what i am talkling about. i don't think they need respite/support in school/therapy/an allowance either.

please give me ammunition so i can go and criticise her and tell her how to do it better."

ok rant over

Don't hold back Kristina - tell us what you really think...

I do know what you mean though, I am fairly benign with the first kind having been a kindof one myself at the beginning (not the rescuing grateful child but oh a baby up to 9 months would suit me fine, doesn't have to be under 3 months ).

But the second sort do wind me up. I've been very very lucky. DS transitoedn very well due to the very slow hand over I htink. But I'm not naive enough to think he will not have any issues going forward. Yet I know my family and friends all think that being adopted is now irrelevant and he's just like any other child. And so he is at the momet but as I say - I don't expect that to last forever.

And now I'll be paranoid you're both having a dig at me!

But seriously (ish) it is a bit of a dilemma how well meaning/naive one should be. If no-one was naive enough to adopt then lots of kids would never find homes. But to me "lazy" naive is the worst in the sense that you don't think about the issues. I guess I would be "over-thinkingly naive" in that I worry myself stupid anticipating possible problems and researching them. Other "adoption" friends just seem to think there are no issues. I envy them their certainty.

I also worry about the lack of compulsory preparation where I am. DS1 is adopted (not clear in OP), he came to us at 1 day old and social services interviewed us for about 4 hours 4 months later (no Home Study required). It's up to us to think about the ongoing issues and I'm pretty sure if we did adopt an older special needs child (which here is e.g. cleft lip) then we'd be left to get on with it.

At the same time the alternative is an institution.

I'm not sure where this is all going (it's Sat night, I've had a few glasses of wine, unfit mother), I guess I'm just saying you need a bit of hope/naivety and a bit of rationality.

(Starting to sound a bit "Donny and Marie"...a "a little bit country.....")

No ONM - neither of us were having a go at you (in fact I have a suspicion that both of us were thinking of a particluar thread in scenario 2!)

I agree about a degree of naivety needed to go into an adoption but I suppose if such a thing exists it needs to be informed realistic naivety. Of course I hope DS will be one of those children that has no issues at all (for his sake really).

do you do anything about it? Well KC's wise words backed up by no experience or evdence whatsoever - loaf away in bliss. Or as my aged mother would say "No point borrowing trouble"!

I hope I'm wrong and DS has no "issues" at all, but I think I would be slightly deluded to assume that.

The only example I have so far - DS's speech is slow by 2.5 no two word sentances only a handful of words most of them not undestandable to anyone but me. Everyone in RL has told me it isn;t a problme and that I shouldn;t worry about it. I know that he is likely to be delayed due to change in language at a year and lack of one to one attention when his language development was at its peak. I know that its most likely to pick up and that he will be fine. However I'd be an idiot not to consider that CAPD is far more common in adopted children (particualrly those who were institutionalised young) and that language development is one of the symtomatic areas. I want him on someones radar screen for this asap because if detected early, therapies can be very helpful to get them through school years. I'm not really *expecting im to have this problem but I will make sure that it is noted on his 30 month check so if I don't think its improved enough within 6 months, I'll use it to get him referred for SALT. I suspect I wouldn't bother if he weren't adopted.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid!

Met a girl last week with a gap of NINE MONTHS ! don't know hat shocked me more,that anyone would be having sex then or that she had a really flat tummy!

hellymelly - htis is in th eadoption section - I don't think a flat tummy is going to be an issue here!

oh issy, i am also worrying about senior schools for DD2 aged 8 who sounds exactly like your girls. Like you I have worries about how she will cope in the large pushy academic schools around here who only seem interested in league tables and seem to have zero pastoral care/support. i worry how how her emotional vulnerabilities will show up in adolesence - she has coped with a lot of loss in her life already...

Kc - don't know if you want to hear this but Ds speech is now behind our DS aged 2yo 5 months as we have 3 word sentences although not always easy to understand. Are there things you coudl do with him that would help now if he does have CAPD??? I dont knwo much about it

sorry ONM for hijacking here

I had some good advice re speech (not from HV or GP obviously but form MN!) and his speech has improved a lot in the last 2-3 weeks. We are getting two word sentances regularly and the occasional three word ones. It has improved enough that although I think he is still behind I am going to rgister my concern at his 30 month check (if I ever get one) and leave it for a couple of months.

proper testing can't be done for CAPD until I think they are over 5 as they need certain skills to do the test. I don;t have a strong feeling wither way at the moment if he has a real problem with his speech or not.

IME there has to be a gap of 3 years between each child.

Not a Banana: Not here there doesn't, they asked me if I'd consider one older than DS.

Blimey, haven't even started worrying about adoption re schools yet! Another thing to worry about ....

Different then as here you wouldn't be allowed an older child.

Good luck.