Am I alone in sometimes fearing what I have taken on...?

[misspollysdolly]

Have posted on here several times - and sometimes alluded to the tough job we've taken on but tried to remain positive, but today I'm just feeling a bit down in the dumps and finding DD (8) a challenge. Just wondered, do any other adoptive parents (or birth for that matter) ever fear what their kids will be like as teenagers, and feel sad/cross about what impact their early experiences now have on family life...?

Feeling a bit sorry for myself today so sorry for the negativity ... Occasionally have days when the whole situation feels quite hopeless, when I believe we are destined to have a dreaful time with her in years to come (kind of, if you think the last five years have been tough, just you wait...IYSWIM) and when I think I was just naive to think we could taken her on unscathed by her past. Feels like one of those days today....

Sorry to be negative...Days like this when parents of just birth children (i.e. chat in the playground, or even just with good friends) are not helpful and make me feel more anxious and frustrated than ever.

Am getting support from a counsellor - just wondered what you lot thought...please be kind...

My family fostered when I was a child and I learned that the first few years of a child's life can really mess them up and undoing the damage is not really possible. But preventing further severe damage and equiping the child with the skills to process and cope with their difficult start is a worthwhile and valuable thing to do for someone.
Parenthood isn't easy at the best of times so be kind to yourself, get all the support you can.

I am a custodial stepmum to two sons who are now 11 and 12. They have no contact with their birth mum. I've had them since they were one and two and they've always been very difficult little boys, but now one has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and the other one has attachment issues and some learning difficulties as well and has just been impossible, as well as violent towards us later. We have so many problems with them with things like soiling, lying, stealing, and on and on. We are struggling to get them the professional help they need, but I keep trying. I have always tried to be a loving mum to them and treat them the same as my biological children, but having these too, I make myself uncomfortable, as children are so different when they don't have these issues. I am on the cusp of the teenage years and it's not getting any easier, only harder. I have lots of days like you're having.

In short, I can totally empathise. I am totally cross about their early experiences, as both my boys have mountains to be fabulous people, but their early experiences and inability to trust get in the way all the time. It's good that you have a counsellor to talk to. All we can do is continue to do our best, but it does beat you down sometimes...

'impossible recently' and 'violent towards us lately'

By the sea - reading your post has really struck a chord. My parents adopted 2 dc (from a very early age) and then along came me and my brother. There is only 3.5 years between the 4 of us.

Growing up was really hard as the adopted 2 were just so very different to me and youngest bro. My parents tried their best to treat us all equally and looking back now (with the perspective of being a parent) did pretty well. We each had emotional issues by the time we left home but they had managed to instill strong values in each of us and once out on our own we all found our feet and have turned out OK!

Having hated my sister (she was a real bully - both physical and emotional) we are now really very close, and I fully understand why she behaved as she did. My older bro cut all contact when he was 17 and we didn't see him again for about 15 years. He has also "come right" and is now happy and settled.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all you can do is your best. Each child will take that on board in their own way and hopefully will appreciate it in the end!

Thanks for posting that Tiggerish. It gives me some hope.

Tiggerish, my two are only small (4 & 2) but I know just what you mean. Before we adopted them, I would wake up shaking in the night imagining a traumatised and ruined life of violence stealing prison when they hit the teens or even earlier. I think it's partly fear of the unknown.

Things are fine at them moment, if a little emotional, but I do have that fear of the years to ocme. I think it is rational given the experience of so many adoptive families. But you would cope, people do. And there will be good times as well as bad.

Come and moan here any time you want to, that is free ayway

I'm in a hponeymopon period (DS only 2.6yrs) so I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and pretending he isn't going to have any issues later...

Anyone like to place bets?

Thanks everyone (Tiggerish - thank you for the encouragement).

For the last year it has felt rather like a grieving process realising, recognising and (trying to) accepting that DD does have some attachment stuff going on for her.

It's hard to know which is more significant - the first 22 months of her life (the last 6 of which were not at all positive/very traumatic) plus a relatively stable 18 months with an excellent foster family, or the past 5 years of (hopefully) good, solid, consistent and - dare I say it - fairly normal parenting. Some days when her behaviour (most of which she's not aware/in control of) is most challenging I do feel hopeless as is nothing we do can help her, but surely that does us and our hard work a dis-service...?

I also guess as the job of parents is to raise responsible and hopefully decent people, there are quite a lot of her issues that I cannot own for her. I can only support her and help her through any pain they bring, but I guess there are things she will have deal with herself in the future...? Does that make sense...any one got any tips for working out which issues are mine and which ones I have to let go of sometimes...?!

Thanks for the encouragement.

"any one got any tips for working out which issues are mine and which ones I have to let go of sometimes...?! "

Nope but if you work it out - do let me know!

I know exactly what you mean - this time yesterday I was thinking we'd made a huge mistake, as we were certainly in a storm, (not helped by PMT and some difficult criticism of me from outside).

Today is much calmer and in fact I know exactly why we've done this - the good times are wonderful.

As for the future, who knows what it holds - there is no point in worrying about that now. Yes their pasts will have an impact and with our three, it is unlikey that all three wil hav a smooth transition to aulthood, but then that is the same for amny families.

Anyway, big ((hugs)) - it sounds as though you need them now.

mBop

Thanks for the encouragement (and hugs mummybop! - sometimes you just need one don't you?!)

Away at my parents at the mo - DH has returned home with DD as she is going on camp at the end of the week so I'm here on my own with DSs (birth children) and actually feels like a bit of respite really so hopefully that will get my head a bit straighter.

I really find the school hols and getting used to extended times of being together with her more difficult than normal weeks - particularly as she winds DS1 up and I end up refereeing the two of them and then being v critical of/negative towards her - feel like I'm always nagging and then get huge angst about that.

There's such pressure to safeguard these kids from further damage when sometimes just wanting to do what comes naturally even if that is to say 'will you just leave me alone for a bit' or 'for heaven's sake will you just shut up!!'. Thing is then you go into the realms of stressing about self-esteem issues and senses of re-abandonment - AARRGGGHH! I think my DD has massively low self esteem and believe myself to be mainly resposible for this but I have cause to forever be talking to her about her behaviour.

She doesn't necessarily 'get' what she doing or why it's difficult to cope with and looks at me like a rabbit caught in headlights. Massive guilt ensues and there we are back to square one all the time. You are stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea all the chuffin time.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better at this end of the day so thanks guys. I'm sure we'll speak again soon...! Hope you've all had good days with your little darlings - give yourselves a big pat on the back and bigger G&T before bedtime!

Hi Misspolly - sorry you're having a hard time. I have two birth sons (11 and8) and an adopted daughter (3.5) We've had some really tough times with DS2 and DD winding each other up and me needing to referee to the point where I've been at screaming pitch...Nursery for her has helped, as has just time elapsing and them getting used to each other. Today is my birthday and we've been out for a really idyllic family meal, where I looked at them all with mellow pride (or was that just the wine!!)

Obviously your DD is that much older and you can probably foresee some of the issues ahead of you. Do try to deal with the day in hand and to really enjoy and appreciate any tiny moment of success - we so tend to overlook these and focus on the difficult times.

Lots of love xx

I just wanted to say there are some non-adoptive parents with very similar issues at the same ages as what you are going through - so try and hang on to the fact that although there are definite problems related to early experience and trauma there are also parts of this behaviour you are describing that are completely normal - and just as frustrating!

You sound as though you are getting some help from the counsellor - good for you

That's an interesting post, maryz.

My DH is very successful in his chosen field whilst his younger brother has yet to establish himself as an independent adult, despite being equally intelligent. He is in his late thirties and is back living with his (very reluctant) parents, after spells living with us or at our expense. He has never held down a job or a relationship for any length of time and has been unemployed for many years, living a strange nocturnal existence on the computer.

I'm sure there were subtle differences in how DH and his brother were parented, but nowhere near enough to explain how they turned out so different.