Special needs child - put into care

[Zully288]

I’m running on nothing. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of opinions on this one but I’m so run down with life at the moment I don’t know what to do. I am a single mum of three children. My eldest who is 11 has special needs (Autism, speech delay, behavioural problems, sensory issues) my daughter has been refusing school on and off for the last seven months. I can’t get a job or parent my other two children successfully whilst caring for my daughter. My nine year old has anxiety and sleep problems due to the aggression from my eldest., she cries each night asking why her life is like this. We have become socially isolated (my eldest refuses to leave the house sometimes and her behaviour towards other children at home is inappropriate (she’s fascinated with private parts and will ask boys to get their privates out of show hers to them) learning difficulties mean that she is not understanding social situations. Her age now brings hormones and shes lashing out at her sisters and destroying her bedroom when angry. I try my best to be patient but this has turned into be being numb to it all and I feel almost depressed. I don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I hate the idea of putting her into care but I feel it’s a choice between the wellbeing of my other two children (and me) or her. My children’s father has said he’ll have my nine year old go and live with him but I couldn’t bear that but am I being selfish. Should I let her go and live with him and have a ‘normal’ life and keep my youngest and eldest with me. Or do I put my eldest in care? I’ve thought about residential schools but with my eldest a refusal to go to school I don’t see how she’d go back in the week when she knew she wouldn’t be home again for a week. Can anyone give me some advice? I’m desperate

Hi. That sounds hard. Do you have any support from social services atm? Tbh you can't easily put a child into care. Social services will try to point you in the direction of support but it is incredibly difficult to put a child into care. And it is potentially incredibly damaging - if your ex wants to take one of the children that's the most reasonable answer.

@Zully288

That sounds incrediblely hard. What help do you get from the children's father. The offer sounds 'helpful' but really he would be leaving you with the biggest issues.
It really isnt that easy to put a child into care and places at residential school are hard to get. Does she have an EHCP?
But you clearly need help. I'd contact social services to see what support they can offer. It sounds like she needs a disability social worker.

Soy children’s father moved miles away and sees them twice a month. I don’t have much help other than odd weekends where my parents take my eldest for a few hours as Saturday mornings are particularly challenging. I can’t bear to see my nine year old so unhappy but I don’t know if I can let her go. My eldest is in a special needs school but I am literally running on empty. The mornings are exhausting and the afternoons are exhausting. Even when I get babysitters things go wrong because of my daughters frustrations of not being able to communicate properly and sees her two sisters getting on just fine. It’s so hard for my eldest but also so hard to see how my younger two are affected. Social services sounds like a must now

Round here you only get a disability social worker if you have a child with profound and multiple disabilities - think non verbal, in a wheelchair. And the services available are for this group.

My daughter has a moderate learning disability and epilepsy and she went to a sen school. But she didnt qualify for a disability social worker.

Do you claim dla for her?

Yes I claim DLA, I just feel like you have to hunt and hunt for help that might not even be there - and use what little energy you have left. I’ve contacted school but to no avail

Do your younger daughters get any support? If not, you could talk to your GP about CAMHS referrals and refer yourself for child in need assessments, so that they will hopefully get more support. It sounds like your younger ones live in a domestic violence situation (although your older daughter is not doing this on purpose of course!) and that is going to impact them longterm. They need to be protected.

It is very difficult to put your child into care, but it is possible. Your first step is to talk to social work about what’s going on and your difficulties in keeping your younger children safe. Be very honest about the risks, how you manage them and the toll it’s taking.

I’m assuming you’re in England and I’m not entirely sure of the law but you should be entitled to an assessment of need for you separate from your daughter.

Section 20 of the Children’s Act allows for non-compulsory care for children which simply means the child is accommodated with your agreement rather than being removed under legal order. Technically you can use that legislation to ask that your DD is cared for by the local authority but they tend to resist that for obvious reasons. They’ll try every other option to avoid taking your child into care, which is right and proper, but ultimately they may find the right place for her. In the meantime you should get some help from various services which might ease things a bit.

One thing to be aware of is that rather that take your older children into care they may see the younger children moving in with dad as a better option in terms of safe care. Not least because it keeps your children out of the care system and is much cheaper. If however your DD needs more specialist care you may be able to argue she can’t be cared for at home. It will be a bit of a fight tbh but if it means your DDs get their needs met it may be worth it.

I know ow this ppst was July but I feel so sorry for you I have a 7yr old boy SGS maybe be getting kinship for him im tired and me and my partner who is his papa argue all the time the boy hates me he hits bites me constantly I hope your good

@Zully288
I am so sorry this sounds so tough.

Can I ask if your ex is father to all three children, and if so why he isn't helping with all three.

I think there is some good advice here for you, above.