Advice on adoption and anything you think I need to hear

[allthegoodonesaretakenalready]

Husband (nearly 40) and I (nearly 29) are in the beginning stages of considering adoption. We are recently married after a nearly 6 year relationship and 5 years of living together. Husband has two children from a past relationship (F13 and M10). They come for dinner after school twice a week and are with us every Saturday. Youngest stays the night most Fridays but oldest doesn't - they are given the choice to stay.

House is in my sole name with no mortgage (inheritance). We both have stable jobs and an income of around £60k between us. We would be looking at 0-3 to leave a decent gap between youngest stepchild and adopted child. We feel this is best.

There's a few things I'm curious about:

1. We have a 3 bedroom house but one bedroom is a large loft conversion. Given that my stepdaughter stays with us a maximum of 6 nights a year, we are considering converting this room into three with a partition wall and another section as our office. This would leave 3 small rooms that are large enough for a single bed, desk and drawers. Would this be considered enough space given that the rooms would be used a maximum of 1 night a week and there would rarely be two of them up there?

1. We have 3 cats that are all indoor. Would this be considered too many or present another option? Two of them mostly keep themselves to themselves around the kids and one likes to socialise with them. She particularly likes the youngest and they often cuddle up together. She can easily be picked up and whilst she may verbally protest sometimes, she doesn't use claws or teeth with the kids.

1. Would my husband's age and health be an issue? As mentioned, he's nearly 40. He works out a few times a week but his BMI says he's obese. He is healthy and 6ft3 but I'm concerned someone would look at the numbers and not the size/build of him! He certainly doesn't look obese and feel it in himself.

1. Would our 11 year age gap be off-putting?

1. We live in a house with no front garden. The door opens onto a pavement. Would that be an issue?

1. There are steep steps in the back garden. There's a court yard and a section at the top of the steps that could easily be made secure and if course, a child would not be out there on their own when young. Is that an issue if made secure?

1. My husband's ex has a frosty relationship with him. What involvement will she need to have? I expect they will need something from her and am concerned she would try to sabotage things.

1. Both stepchildren have ASD. Older one is likely level 2 and has various interventions but is in mainstream school. She struggled with most things like leaving the house, everyday tasks etc. likely PDA profile. She can be hard to manage. Younger one is likely level 1 and has support in school but is generally okay and easy to manage.

1. I have a diagnosis of ASD/OCD and my husband has one of ADHD. All diagnosed during lockdown when our mental health hit rock bottom. We are both doing well now and unmedicated with no regular therapy as we don't feel well need it. Would these diagnoses be an issue?

10. I have thought long and hard about whether I want to TTC for years. I have endometriosis and vaginismus, so even TTC would be a whole ordeal in itself. I think I have finally reached the decision that I do not want to do this. To me, I want to be a mother. I want to care for a child but I don't have a preference for that to be a biological one. With the way things are, I just feel that it would be better to pour my time/energy/love/money into a child that is already in the world rather than fighting hard to bring another one in. I'm not sure if a social worker or case worker would agree with my opinion or force me to seek counselling sterling this decision?

Any thoughts from anyone in the know on any of the above would be welcomed :)

@allthegoodonesaretakenalready

Hi, firstly there are very few things in adoption land which can't be worked through. Sometimes you might need to do a bit of 'work' to sort somethings out but where there is a will there is usually a way.
To pick up on a few points
Age not a problem, many adopters are 'older', I was 47 when my son came home. You will have medicals so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
As they have children together his ex wife will be spoken to but SWs will be used to dealing with difficult exs, and as you will have referees chosen by you they will get a balanced view.
Its standard as part of the assessment that your motivations will be discussed but its absolutely fine for adoption to be a choice over birth children and it you have some very sound reasons for doing so.
A couple of things for you to think about - finances - have you accounted for one of you to take up to a year adoption leave and also for one of both of you to go part time so you can meet the childs needs.
The majority of adopted children have some level of additional needs, some very complex, which may not be apparent in very young children. You need to think about how you would manage given the existing children's and your own needs. Do some research on attachment, developmental delay and trauma, FASD.
Finally, SWs aren't looking for perfect people, we all have ' stuff' going in our lives, its how you manage it that's key.

You have a lot going on there. Picking up on a few points:

The step children could be a real problem imo. Adopted children don't always cope with change - your partner's children coming and going is not idea. There can also be jealousy issues.

The cats - sometimes the problem is the children hurting animals or developing an allergy. Would you recommend them?

Hi!
I am just starting an adoption process myself, so I can reassure you on a few points.

I would recommend that you attend a few information sessions with adoption agencies, they usually host sessions online every few weeks and they will cover the foundations (requirements, eligibility criteria, timeframe, process...), it's a good place to start, and they often give you a call before or after so you can ask more personal questions too.

To pick up a few of your points:

• Age and age gap: not an issue at all :) in effect, most adopters are older.

• Pets: the risks will be assessed as part of the house assessment process, unless they are dangerous animals it shouldn't be an issue.

• Bedroom: you are required to have a proper separate bedroom for your adopted child. Also, it can't be a bedroom that you can only access by going through another room first.
  It's hard to advise further without knowing more about the space you have, but it's something to keep in mind when you're thinking about dividing your loft (and I suppose the step-children may be affected by the fact that they are relegated to tiny rooms).

• House configuration: as part of the approval process they will come over to assess your house; if there are some obvious risks they will ask you to make some changes, but the big picture matters as much as the details (eg: if the house has a front garden and no stairs, but it's located in a very dangerous neighbourhood, then the front garden doesn't really matter, if you see what I mean). There seems to be a lot of positives about your house and living arrangements, therefore I would suggest you don't worry yourself too much about this right now; the fact that you have a house with enough space and a garden is already better than other adopters and it will work in your favour.

• Physical health: it's not just about BMI, essentially they want to make sure you both are in good enough health to take care of a child. They will pay attention to whether you smoke, drink, have good nutrition, and have anything concerning in your health history.
  I believe they ask you to do thorough medical assessments so likely, I would not worry too much at this point. You can also ask specific questions to the lovely staff of the adoption agencies when you contact them to book an information session.

• Mental health: I can's advise there, but I suppose they will also do a thorough assessment and look at your and your husband's lifestyle, profile, behaviour... in their entirety.
  I would only emphasize that adopting a child is an intense process for anyone, and like having children in general, it can put a lot of stress onto a relationship.
  So maybe be mindful that it may heighten your / your husband's emotions in general and be kind to one another (and to the step children), everyone processes stress/pressure in their own way.

Previous comments mention the job and finances situation, so no need to repeat, but this is an important point.

Last but not least, they will surely explore further how adopting may impact your step children, and they will want to speak to your husband's ex because it is standard procedure, but as mentioned in previous comments, I strongly suspect that they are used to dealing with difficult exes (and don't forget they also speak to other family members and friends or work colleagues, hence they will form a picture of who you are based on several people's interviews, not just the ex!).

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best in your process!
Keep us informed.

Sorry, not recommend, should read "rehome"